Monday, December 26, 2011

A Letter to Danny - December 26, 2011

Hello Honey:

Christmas Eve was full of family.  Susan, Rainee and their families gathered at Mark's house for lots of food.  You know how our family get togethers are.  I always worry there will not be enough food and we always end up with an abundance.  Sheree and her family stayed home in Idaho.  Our Alaska kids all gathered at Haley's for prime rib and crab legs.  Remember how much we enjoyed that same meal when we were there on New Years and then set off fireworks over the frozen Salcha River?

I made it through the day alright but when everyone went home and I was alone with my own thoughts, I had a melt down missing you so much. 

You know what the one thing I miss most about you is?  I miss looking into your eyes.  I miss having you look back at me and being able to see your love, frustration, and yes even anger there in your eyes.  How many times have I looked into them over the last fifty years.  I never realized then that I would be missing that ability so much now.  It's strange; all the little things we take for granted.  I miss the way you pulled your pants up around your waist when they slipped down, how you would straighten your hat and how you would inevitably button your shirt wrong each time you put it on.

The other day, I slipped on one of your shirts, rolled up the sleeves and went about doing housework.  After a while I looked in the mirror and sure enough....I had it buttoned wrong. 

I know, my love, that you are now enjoying your garden in paradise; the garden grown from the seeds you sowed while on this earth.  While I spend so much of my time grieving for you, I know that I am not a victim.  I am simply a student.  I am learning the lessons I need to learn resulting from your passing.  I will admit my Darling that there are days I would just like to drop out of it quits.....not get the diploma.  I would just like to lie down and wait for you to come and get me but we both know I won't do that.  For one thing, I can't do that to our children and our grandchildren.  They expect more and deserve more than that from me.  And for another thing, I know you would be very disappointed in me if I did not live the rest of my life to the best of my ability. 

So many times over the past two years, you have told me how proud you were of me for my strength.  You have told me that my mom (Mother McCree to you) would be proud of me. 

Honey, it is so hard to be strong right now.  It was much easier being strong when I had you to come home to.  But you are there waiting for me to come home aren't you Darling?  That is how I will make it through this.  I'm not really home now.  I will be staying with our children knowing that you are still there at home waiting for me.  When I think of it that way, I believe I can make it.

And so my Darling, the rules still stand.  You have to have the dishes done by the time I get home so when I get there I can fix dinner.  You know how I hate trying to fix dinner when there are dirty dishes in the sink.  And yes honey, the first meal I will fix for you will be tacos...."No one makes tacos like grandma's tacos."  You would tell the kids. 

I love you so much Honey

Until the 12th of Never

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