I make it through it for a while. I function for a while. And then missing you wraps its arms around my heart and squeezes until I can hardly breathe. Where are you Honey? What are you doing. Do you miss me and our life together? My feelings are like a double edged sword. I want you to be happy, but I want you to miss me. I want you to be able to go about what you need to be doing, but I want you near me. I'm a mess of contradictions Honey. I need to remember to take my aspirin a day because you are not here to remind me to do it.
How I miss all the tiny little things that I took for granted; feeling the bed shift when you moved, smelling your Old Spice, hearing your footsteps as you walked across the floor, searching for your glasses that you misplaced. I know where your glasses are now. They are in the drawer next to my bed along with your bible and your belt, the book you were reading, and an empty can of Copenhagen. Your cowboy hat and your jacket are hanging in m closet. I will remove your jacket in a moment, slip my arms in the sleeves just to feel you near me.
I stopped at the book section in the store yesterday. I picked up books about life after death and read accounts of what others had to say. Some of what they said coincided, but other accounts differed. I doubt anyone on this earth really knows where you are or what you are doing. It is all a matter of what they believe it to be....and what do I believe it to be? I thought I had it all figured out at one time, I "believed" I knew what life was about and what death was about. There is so much I question now Darling. The only belief I have that is set in stone is that I have a God that loves me and when all is said and done "love" is the answer to everything. "Love". A small word that I feel encompasses every purpose...every thing. Unfortunately there is another small word that can be a result of "love" and that is "pain."
I think of night of November 16th. I had been sleeping on Haley's couch or the correct wording was I was trying to sleep. Sleep evaded me because of mssing you so much. I had been playing a game on my phone "Bejeweled" or something like that. I was not on the internet. I was not on Facebook. My battery was dying so I turned my phone off and plugged it in for the rest of the night. When I awoke the next morning, I turned it back on to find it logged into Facebook. It was on a post Sheree had made several days before that said "I am not good at words but I love you." That was you wasn't it Darling? It so happened that was the same night that you had proposed to me 48 years earlier.
Remember when we used to go for drives and I would be sitting looking out the window and you would say to me "You're writing in your head aren't you?" and I would say "You know me pretty well don't you." and you would say "I've been with you for forty-some years." It's a pretty wonderful thing to have someone know you so well and love you so much. Despite all my faults, you still loved me. I'm so thankful for that gift you gave me. I'm so thankful that I found comfort in your snoring: That I found peace in your just being close to me: That I found safety in your strength of character. You completed me Darling. Your love made me whole. Your love made me better.
I hope my loving you gave you the same gift. Wherever you are I remain loving you Far Beyond the 12th of Never.