Wednesday, December 7, 2011

A Letter to Danny December 5, 2011

Everyone says it will take time for the pain to go away, but I wonder if there is enough time left.  I love you so much honey.  It’s cold out today.  A skiff of snow has covered the ground and it reminds me of another time.  You had come home for Christmas….a break between Fort Ord and Fort Leonard Wood.  I was so happy.  While you were gone, I would walk up to Clarks Men’s Store on University Avenue each week during my high school lunch break and I would make a payment on a red plaid Pendleton coat that was to be your Christmas present.  You gave me a light brown sweater with dark brown trim.  It was Christmas Eve so many years ago that I’m remembering now.  We had driven up to Sundance and the snow was falling creating a wonderland.  You had brought your ice skates and you had borrowed a pair for me.  We were alone out on the pond.  A fire blazed in a barrel to the side but as I remember, I wasn’t cold….only happy.   The gloves I had on concealed the engagement ring you had given me and when one of your friends approached us you introduced me as your wife.  How I loved you then and how I love you now.  I still wonder why it was me who held your heart.  You had so many girlfriends.  You were the James Dean of Provo High; handsome, moody.  I was the youngest child of a poor widow woman.  Where the girls you dated bought their clothes from Clarks or Firmage’s, I bought mine at stores like Lerner’s and Anita’s.   They would come to your house in cute little convertibles and I drove my mom’s old Buick.  I would come to understand that most girls vied for your attention while most guys vied to be your friend.  That was how you were.
 You told me you had loved me for a long time.  You told me you used to watch me as walked past your house on the way to Dixon Jr. High School.  You said you would watch me as I walked home from Provo High School.  You even remembered I wore a beige imitation leather coat that had a hat with fur trim.  You laughed when you said you would whistle at me and I would just keep walking without paying attention to you.   We lived in a house by one of your friends.  We had known his parents and when he had asked to store a boat in our garage my mother didn’t hesitate to let him.  You said you came with him one day to get the boat and that I walked out of the house to move the Buick out of the way.  You recalled I wore a gray skirt and a green sweater and that I didn’t pay you any attention. 
Thank you my darling for noticing me.  Thank you for loving me.  Thank you for waiting for me.  Can you see me now I wonder?  Do you see me taking sad and solemn steps as I walk through what is left of my life?  Do you see I wear a green sweater today?  Do you whistle at me and am I unable to hear you?  Promise me my darling to wait once more for me. 

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