Monday, December 19, 2011

A Letter to Danny - December 18, 2011

Hello Honey:

Rainee and I are sitting in the Airport waiting to go back to Utah. I talked to Daren yesterday and asked him how your dog Izama was doing. He said he and Christian are taking good care of him. They have put him on dog food instead of table scraps. He said he is doing fine, but that sometimes he lets out sad little whines and they know he is missing you.

Once upon a time before we were married, my mom told me if I wanted a good man, to choose one who was good to animals. I did as she told me and married you. I have never known anyone who was better and kinder to animals as you are; from the ones you had as pets, to the game you killed and reverently appreciated as you took care of the meat.

The only animals you didn't care for were sheep, so the day you came home and told me you were going to get a ram and an ewe surprised me. You admonished the kids and I not to make them pets and told us we were not to name them.

We assured you we would not name them nor make pets of them. You didn't take your own advise however. By the time you got them home, you had named the ram Thadeus and the ewe you had named Lady. Needless to say, we never did have mutton or lamb on our dinner table. Just before you died you mentioned that you sure had good dogs in your life to which I responded "Honey, you have had good dogs because they have had you."

Mortgage payments, credit scores, bank balances; none of them are important now Honey.  So much of life is so trivial when it gets down to it.  So many unimportant things take up so much of our time.  So many truly important ones we set on the back burner waiting their turn in line behind stuff that doesn't matter.  What I wouldn't give to take back all the times I spent worrying about the trite in life.  I would gather up every second of every minute and spend them with my arms around you, holding on for dear life to that which is truly important.  I am so sorry for lost chances.

Our life together has been a patchwork of colors bound together with cords of love. Loving you so much and watching you grieve when your Dad died,  I wrote this poem for you:

Carry On

I know that when your heart is full of sorrow
as though the dark of night may never see the dawn,
it's hard to bear the burden squarely on your shoulders
and say "He's gone, but I must carry on."

I know for every drop of rain, you see no rainbow;
for every bird you see, you hear no song.
I know it hurts to face the coming morrow;
but I am gone and you must carry on.

So face the future bravely, head held proudly.
Make every dream we ever dreamed come true my son,
for though you see me not I'm always with you
and with calloused hands I too shall carry on.

So please hold back your tears and feel no sorrow
for it's here in heaven that I now belong.
There's work in God's Holy Habitation
and with a happy heart I too shall carry on.

How easy words come to hard it is for me to find comfort in my own making right now.

I'm loving you Darling, Far Beyond the 12th of Never.

I believe the true spirit

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