Monday, September 3, 2012

A Letter to Danny - September 3, 1012

Hi honey:

I knew I told you I wouldn't be writing anymore letters to you, but I want to talk to you, and you know that I talk best when I write.

I went to Monroe Mountain over Labor Day weekend with Rainee and Mark.  I thought of you so much while I was there.  It was one of those things where I had to prepare myself to go there, since we had been there so many times and built so many memories.  Shane took Rainee over to where you found Mark's bull elk for him.  She really wanted to see it....dishrag canyon.

I remember all the pain you were in the last time we went there.  You had hurt your hip so bad that you could hardly walk, but you didn't let it get you down.  You were determined to make it up the mountain and watch Mark as he cleaned his elk.  You really never did let much get you down honey.  I can remember so many of the times like when you were bit by a black widow and your arm swelled up something terrible.  Then when you were bit by the scorpion and had such a bad alergic reaction to it.  I remember the night the truck fell on you.  When they pulled you out from underneath it, your entire right side looked like it was mashed.  But each time, you were determined not to quit.  You got back up and went to work.  You really were an inspiration to so many people honey.  I am so proud of you and proud I was the one to be your wife. 

I'm making it honey.  Each day I put one foot in front of the other and one memory back on a shelf and go about my life.  My life has been divided into three sections:  Life before you, life with you, and life after you.  Each one, "you" were the main character.  I'm not quite whole, honey.  I don't think I ever will be again.  I will do everything I can to not waste the time I have left on this earth, and to not cause our children grief or problems. 

My car broke down week before last, and I wished you were here.  You would know what to do about it.  But once again I realized, I am on my own now.  Oh I know.  Our kids would come to my help in a heartbeat, but I don't want them to need to at this point in time.  Someday, perhaps there will be a time when I can't possibly do things for myself.  At that time, I will ask their help.  Right now though, they all have their own lives to deal with and I don't want to be an added burden on any of them.  (Although they would say I'm not a burden.)

I love you honey.  You know there will never be anyone else for me but you.  I miss our lives together.  You know what is so funny.  Some of the things I miss most about you are those things that use to drive me crazy.  Now, I look back at them and smile.  I would like to be driven crazy again with your antics and ways. 

Wherever you are honey, please know that I love you with all my heart.  I won't be afraid to leave this earth, because I know you will be there waiting for me.

I love you honey.

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.