Remember how I told you that everything builds up inside me until I become a pressure cooker ready to explode and its then I know I need to write to you. It's funny. Writing is what does it. Remember when we use to go for rides and we would be riding along not saying anything and you would say "I can see you writing in that head of yours." And you would be right. My mind would be writing as we traveled along. If you've been watching me lately honey, you haven't seen me writing. I wonder what it is you see when you look at me now.
Do you see me sitting on my bed with a scarf covering a head that no longer has the long hair you loved so much?
Do you feel my insecurities in not being able to do the things I use to do? Do you feel how tired I am and not only physical,, but so emotional drained.
Do you know what I would give to have you say "Let's go for a ride," and climb in your truck and take a ride up the canyon and smell the scent of pine needles and sagebrush. To have you point out the deer and elk in some meadow or a sage grouse along side the road.
We'd share a Pepsi and some fried chicken as we traveled along. You would have your Copenhagen and I would have my Hersey bar and everything would be as it should be. But its not that way honey. Nor will it ever be again. It's not the way it should be. Or maybe it is. Maybe this is as it should be. Maybe this is what life has lead to. Maybe this is the place I was meant to be.
Maybe there's lessons I need to learn that I couldn't learn with you beside me. Maybe the lesson is to appreciate what I have at this moment like I really didn't appreciate the moments I had with you bumping along in a Dodge 1-ton.
What is it you see when you look at me now honey? Why can't you just whisper to me
"You're doing okay Pretty One. This is how it's suppose to be. Everything is as it was meant to be. Remember when you use to tell me that we were the writers of our lives and that before we came to earth, we wrote our life story so we would learn the lessons we needed to learn. And I would say 'Oh God! That can't be true. I wouldn't have been so stupid as to include so-in-so in my life.' Remember when you use to tell me that. Well just hang in there, Pretty One. Everything is okay. Everything will be okay. Get up and get busy and you will feel better. Remember when you use to tell me that a full head of hair didn't make the man. Well guess what, Babe. It doesn't make the woman either. I know you're tired. I know you've taken a lot of hits over the past three years. I was one of the ones who hit you. And then Daren. And now cancer. Well babe, it's all part of the life story you wrote. And here I thought I married a smart girl. Just keep on keepin' on Pretty One. I know it would make you feel better if I were there and said 'Why don't you get up and fix me a bologna sandwich and grab me a Pepsi.' I'm kidding. It wouldn't make you feel better. It would make you mad. I'm still with you though. Can't you feel me brush your arm? Can't you hear me whisper your name? Can't you feel me kiss your cheek? Maybe we're not taking a drive up the canyon, but wherever you are you can know I am with you. You can know that I love you. You can know that all's well."
I wish I could hear you say those things to me honey. I miss you so much.
I love you Far Beyond the 12th of Never.