Has it really been two years? Your dad always said when you look ahead, the future seems so far away, but time goes by so quickly. Time has gone by quickly honey, but it seems like only yesterday that I lost you.
"You died without an enemy. You were the light in my eye, the darling of my heart." This is what Abigail Adams, John Adams' wife said about their son who died from alcohol. When I read it, it was so the way I feel about you.
I went to your house at Christmas time. Christian invited me over. He took good care of me honey; just the way you would have wanted him too. He made me dinner of crab legs, salmon, baked potatoes and Red Lobster biscuits. He attempted pie dough from a recipe I gave him, but I had to tell him when baking pies, you really do need measuring spoons and measuring cups. I will see he has them next year. He had the tree up I gave to him and Vince, all decorated in the mountain man ornaments. I walked into the bedroom and opened the closet and saw your shirts hanging there. Your well-worn orange Mark Whiting Construction shirt was the first to catch my eye. I held it close and tried to capture your scent on it, but I couldn't. Christian gave me all your old Levis. I cut the legs off them and will turn them into quilt blocks and then into a quilt for your boys. Tucked between the Levis were your old camo shorts you wore so often. I couldn't cut them honey. They had to remain whole and old and worn.
Vince stayed in Utah for Christmas. He is still here honey. Mark is teaching him the ropes of Utah construction the way you would have if you were here. Vince says dirt is in his blood too. Rainee made certain he was taken care of for Christmas.
The three of us, Vince, Christian and I make it through each day but I look at them and I can see the loss in their eyes. They miss your dearly my boy...they love you dearly. But then you are easy to love.
Christian and I talked about how much you hate lemon pie; when you said it made you mad for anyone to like it. But you loved my lemon jello even though when you tried to make it you said it was like lemon rubber bands.
I'm glad I didn't know the future honey. I'm glad I didn't know you would be leaving me. You always said you would, but I wouldn't let myself believe you knew what lay ahead. I'm glad I didn't. It's hard enough to look back and see myself without you, than it would have been to look ahead and imagine myself without you.
Life goes on, and I can't imagine sometimes how. How can it go on when part of your heart is missing, when part of your world has collapsed. But second after second, minute after minute and soon a day is yesterday and I wonder how I have made it through another one without you and your dad.
It does comfort me to know you are together. Perhaps so very long ago before our family time began, it was pre-arranged for your dad to go and be there to meet you. I don't know for certain honey. I can only imagine, only what-if.
You have left no enemies honey. You are the light in my eye. You are the darling of my heart.
I'll love you forever. I'll love you for always. For ever and ever my baby you'll be.
Sweet Peace My Darling Boy.