It's October here and with it came memories flooding in; memories of you my boy. Twenty-eight days have slipped by and now it October is leaving.
You had planned on being here this year. You were going to go hunting elk up Dry Fork Canyon. How I loved the times your dad and I shared with you up there. How I have loved the times I shared with you everywhere.
Did you hear the song Mariah sang for you. I shared it on Facebook. You were so loved by so many honey.
It's been over nine months and the emptiness is still inside me. It's like a void is there that can't be filled up. Like the best is in the past and I can't reach back and grab it and pull it up to now.
Memories is a two sided sword. In one way, when I drift back into them, the pain is so sharp, so real that I want to block them out. Then in another, I'm mad at my brain that I'm not able to recall every single word, every action, every thought that had to do with you, so I could play it in my mind like a movie on a screen. So I could have you with me again.
Yesterday, I pulled out my old camcorder and watched you and Mark on the trip you took to Canada and Arkansas hunting geese. I watched and listened as you talked and laughed and acted up like you always seem to do when you get together. Over and over and over again, you expressed how thrilled you were being there spending that time with your brother out in the country you both love so much. But even being there doing what you loved so dearly, a time came when the demons ripped away at you. They wouldn't let you be. You left dinner and Mark found you passed out. He took you back to your room and got you settled into bed.
What do I do honey? What do I do to help you help others now? I wrote your story and sent it up to Sheree's so Lindsay and Mariah could use it in their drug awareness program. I can only do so much here honey. I'm going to need your help. I will keep trying to get your story out, and then you need to whisper into someone's ear that is in need of help; tell him/her to listen and to not be sucked into addiction as you were. I will do my part honey, but I do need your help.
When I think of heaven, I think of the very best that was here on earth, multiplied over and over again. So, when it comes to you and your dad, I imagine you both are together on the very best elk hunt you could have ever imagined. You have set up a wonderful camp with a tent that doesn't leak. You have a campfire burning with a pot of coffee sitting over the coals. You are probably with your Grandpa Don Whiting. He always loved you so much. You were his first Whiting grandson to carry on the Whiting name. I can picture the three of you sitting there, enjoying the sounds of the night, the warmth of the fire, and the stars in the heavens. Your Grandpa and Dad are telling you stories of their time on earth, of the people they loved, and the lessons they learned. Of course, they will both tell you that you had a pretty great mom, and you will smile and tell them that I was your angel. That's what you always said. Now my darling son. You are my angel.
I love you honey. Words can never express how much, or how much I miss you. I absolutely hate not having any control.
I'm going back to Alaska on the 12th of November. I will be there to not celebrate your dad's death on the 13th. I talked to Vince and he told me he was glad I was coming up. I could fix Thanksgiving for everyone. He told me I could give him an early Christmas present. He wants me to copy my recipes into a recipe book for him. Remember honey. You wanted me to leave you my can that had all my recipe cards in it. I told him he could go over to Shannon's and get the can, but he said he wanted me to rewrite them all. A bossy boy you raised there. So grandma will do it for him.
Well my boy, I feel better now I have written you. The pain has become bearable again. Give your dad a hug for me. Tell him I love him with all my heart and miss him like crazy. Give your grandpa a hug for me too. He was a special person in my life. Have you seen Grandma Sophia yet? Did you apologize for the times when you and Mark were young and you would have Rainee go out of your room to tell Grandma Sophia you didn't like her. Luckily, she didn't kill the messenger.
Have you seen Aunt Mary and Uncle Ray? Have they been coming home to find a sink full of trout the way they did when they were here? You kept them in fresh fish.
I know your Aunt Emy and Aunt Fran and Uncle Chris were happy to see you again. They all thought you were pretty special. You were.
Honey, have you talked to my dad? You probably know the answers to all the mysteries we had surrounding him. Has he told you what his experiences were like here on earth. Did he tell you he knew Baby Face Nelson and Al Capone? Did he explain to you why he burned down those churches in Harco, Illinois and what the eight years in prison were like because he did. You already know the answers to all the questions I've had for so many years. Tell Daddy I remember the correct way to rake leaves just like he taught me. Tell him I love him.
Well my darling boy, take care of everyone that I love there where you are, and I will take care of all you love here where I am.
Until I get to feel your arms around me and hear you say "I love you, Mom" again, you will stay in my heart, my mind and my memories.
I love you honey.