Thursday, January 30, 2014

Daren's Letter - January 30, 2014

Hello Honey:

I got your messages on my blog.  Thank you Sweetheart for using what I write to let me know you are still with me.

I hadn't planned on writing a letter to you on the anniversary of your death.  I wasn't going to write anything on Facebook either.  I had made the decision to mourn on my own that day.  Rainee was in Georgia when she texted me and asked the address of my blog.  A woman she was with wanted to read it, so I gave it to her and then went ahead and entered into it.  Had she not texted me, I wouldn't have received your message.

I started to cry when I saw what you had done.  On the letter I wrote to you on December 26th, you had underlined and changed the fonts to green on the words "Merry Christmas"  "Christmas Ornaments" "Flannel Jacket" and "Caribbean Cruise".  On the letter of January 9th you had done the same thing to "loved ones" and "peace and love."

They stayed that way until this morning.  When I went into my blog today, your changes were gone.  I found it interesting that when I went to the list of all the things I had written, there were two items that were listed as "Drafts" dated January 9th.  I don't do drafts, so I know that it was on that day; the day I was hurting so badly for you, that you made the changes in your letters.  You let me know you are with me. 

When your dad died, you knew I had such a hard time not being able to feel him, or dream of him.  You would tell me it was because my mind was too busy.  So, you found a way to get around my crazy mind.  You went to where you knew I would see.  You went to my writing. 

I love you so much Dare.  I miss you more than you can believe, but because you love me, you have made your being gone bearable now because I know you are looking over my shoulder. 

Tell your dad, I love him and miss him.  Of course, he knows it because he is looking over my other shoulder, but I like to tell him anyway.

I don't know what my destiny is on this earth.  I don't know when it will be my time to shed this body and fly to where you are, but I do know my darling son that when that time comes, you will be there to meet me.  So I will just imagine that you are living in some far off country and I haven't the means to visit you right now.  So I will write you my letters and tell you what is going on in my life.  I will say I love and miss you and I'll be happy when the time comes that I can afford to come to where you are. 

And on your letters I will mark WWAPSWAKGBTOWOT which means:
Written with a pen
Sealed with a kiss
God bless the one
Who opens this.

Sweet Peace my Darling Son.


Thursday, January 9, 2014

Daren's Letter - January 9, 2014

Dear Daren:

I was told you see me when I write in my journal so I am hoping you are looking over my shoulder and reading what I am writing now.

Some days I don't handle your being gone, honey.  The last two days have been extremely hard.  I can't bear your not being here.  I can't face the fat that I wasn't with you the day(s) before you died.  I hate it so much that the last time I talked to you I didn't talk longer.  I didn't hear your voice longer and now you are gone and I have lost my chances.

I know you are okay where you are at.  I know you are at peace from your demons you fought here; demons of addiction.  I know you are with your dad and our other loved ones that have passed on.  I know you are in a place of peace and love, but I must be selfish because I would rather have you here with me.

I'd rather be able to talk to you.  I'd rather be able to see you walking down the isle  of Safeways.  I'd rather you be eating my cooking.  I'd rather be telling you that you need to give up your drugs, that you have so much potential and that I believe in you.

I'd rather be doing anything than sitting here writing a letter to you; a letter I don't know if you're reading or not, sitting here missing you so bad my heart feels like  it could break in two. 

"Get your mind quiet," you told me when your dad died.  "Get your  mind quiet and you will be able to feel him near.  He's with you, Mom.  You just won't let your mind be quiet enough to hear him or feel him near you."

I couldn't master it when your dad died and I can't with you now.

Everyone tells me to "believe."  I do believe.  It's not that I don't believe in Heaven.  It's not that I don't believe you and your dad are "in a better place."  I don't want to hear that "time will  heal."

I want you and I can't have you.  I can't have my baby, my sandy-haired boy, my handsome son.

Oh God honey.  Read over my shoulder.  Know there's this lady curled up on the couch writing a letter to you that loves you more than she loves life itself.

I'll try to quiet my mind.  I'll try to feel you; sense you.

I'll try baby.