Daren's Letter - November 18, 2013

Hello My Boy:

Sitting here in Alaska in the early morning, listening to the quiet and thinking of you.  I don't worry about you and hell honey.  I don't worry about it at all because I know God knows what kind of man laid behind the actions of addiction...a mighty fine one.  Remember when I wrote this poem for you?  I wrote it after one of our conversations; one of the times you called me your angel.

I was standing there at the judgment seat

watching as my life rolled past my view.

It was too late to change my ways

there was nothing left for me to do.

 

The path to the left led straight to Hell

and I knew my time had come.

I'd danced the dance, now came the time

to pay for what I'd done.

 

Then I heard a voice behind me;

one I knew so well.

It said "Let me take his place Lord.

Let me do his time in Hell."

 

"Let me do his time in hell Lord

He's my baby still you see.

How am I to know his failures 
are not the cause of me.

 

"He was perfect when you gave him.

Please wash him clean again.

Put his sins upon my shoulders.

'Cause I'd walk through hell for him.

 

"Please let me bear his burden.

Let me pay his toll.

Put his sins upon my shoulders

and let heaven keep his soul."

 

When I turned I saw her by my side

right where she'd always been.

Trying to teach me to do the right

but beside me when I caved in.

 

Her love was unconditional

although I did my part,

to throw her love back in her face

and trample on her heart.

 

I watched her tears begin to fall;

tears that I knew so well.

As she begged God to allow her

To do my time in hell.

 

I awoke to find the morning sun

I felt tears upon my face

and knew I had another day

to try to earn my Lord's good grace..

 

The first thing I did was called my mom

and heard the voice I knew so well.

I said "You needn't worry Mom,

Neither of us will go to hell.

 

 

The thing I didn't realize back then Honey was that you were already doing your time in hell; your hell on earth.  I only hope my darling boy, that I helped make your time there a little easier. 

 

I love you so much Daren.  Your leaving has left me empty.  Please Honey, let your presence be felt among those that you love, your family, friends, whoever.  Let them feel you when they pick up that joint, when they pour out the pills, when they fill up their glass, if they pick up a syringe or cut a line.  Whisper in their ears that its not worth it.  Ask whoever is there with you to help them so they won't do their time in hell on earth.

 

I love you honey.  Sweet peace my darling boy. Tell your dad I love him too.  I miss both of you more than I can say.

 

 

Mom.

 

 

 

 

=

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pre Chorus:
I watched as her tears begin to fall,

 

 

 

 

Outcro

 

I woke to the light of morning sun.

I felt the tears upon my face.
And knew I had another day

to gain my Lord’s own grace.

The first thing I did was called my Mom,

and heard the voice I knew so well.
I said “Don’t you worry Mama,

neither of us will do my time in Hell.”

Repeat Chorus:

 

 

 

A Letter to Danny- November 13, 2013

Hello Honey:

Guess what?  I'm back in Alaska.  I flew in yesterday and as I walked out of the terminal headed towards baggage claim, I lost my breath.  The last time I made that walk, I was coming to pick up the pieces of my heart when Daren died.  The time before that, when I made that walk I was coming because you had left me. 

Two years ago today, I woke up thinking it would be a normal day.  I was at Mark's house getting things done so I could come home to you the next day. I didn't know that would be the day when my world would tumble down around me. 

We were watching Harry Potter; Mark, Dawna, the kids, and I, when the phone rang.  It was Haley telling me you had died.  I remember crumbling to the floor.  Then, I called the hospital and asked for the emergency room.  I was crying as I told them to put the phone up to your ear.  I needed to tell you that I loved you.  I heard them talking to you on the other end of the phone, telling you it was me on the phone.   I told you I loved you.  The nurse came back on the phone and told me she was sorry. 

Two years ago.  It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems like forever.  Time is so strange.  I remember you telling our kids that a year seems like such a long time when you look forward, but is just a twinkling of an eye when you look back on it. 

The old saying "Time heals all wounds," isn't really true.  Two years haven't healed me.  I'm just learning to deal with you not being with me.  You learn to deal...you don't heal.

I won't be sending up balloons today Honey.  I will do that on your birthday.  I will spend the day remembering you, our life together. 

You are with me all the time Honey.  When I wake, when I drive, when I write, when I clean, and right before I fall to sleep you are there; in my mind and in my heart.  You're with me when I look at the autumn leaves, when it rains, when the wind blows and today in Alaska when there is an ice storm.  The last ice storm I was a part of, I was with you; living in our little cedar house in Salcha, Alaska.  Schools and business had been shut down because of it, so you and I settled and kept warm and enjoyed just being together. 

I think if scientists could look into my heart, into my skin and into my soul, they would find part of your DNA there because you are such a part of me. 

I love you Honey.  Always have and always will.

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.

Susie