Sunday, June 23, 2013

A Letter to Danny - June 23, 2013

Hi Honey:

It has crept upon me again.  Just when I think I have myself under control, the pain hits and the only thing that makes it feel better is to write to you. 

Night before last, just as I was between the non sleep and sleep stage, I heard your voice.  You said one word "Susie".  I opened my eyes quickly and said "I hear you honey."  That was all there was.

For so many years honey, we were so blessed with not having accidents or illness fall upon our family.  Of course, we struggled with Daren's addiction and with the emotional illness that affects our family, but still, I knew my prayers each day were answered that God keep you and our children safe from illness, harm or accident.  But then I got the telephone call telling me I had lost you, and then fourteen months later got another telling me I had lost Daren.  It's as though the magic bubble that had surrounded us had shattered and the pain I had prayed so hard to evade, had found its way in.  And now Honey, as I've been forced to face the reality,  I'm afraid.  I don't know if I can handle another telephone call and yet, I'm afraid someday I will. 

I tell myself don't think about that Susie.  Don't ask for problems.  So I keep a book with me wherever I'm at and when the fear comes, I pick up a book and read to keep my mind off it.  Do you know how many books I have read since I lost you?  A whole bunch. 

I will continue my prayers for God to watch out over you, our children and our grandchildren.  That we all will be safe from harm or accident or illness and that we will all strive to do those things that would be pleasing to God.  Now though Honey, I will also pray that God will bless me that I will have peace that everything will be as its should be and that I will know that.  I know I have my band of angels around me Honey, but if you can, would you send yours to me also.  I can't wake up and be afraid each day.

I miss you so much and I miss our boy so much too. Tell him to listen to me.  Will you?  I want him to hear me tell him I love him.  I want him to see that as I drive along listening to Kid Rock sing "Born Free" I send him a kiss to let him know that I understand and that I love him beyond words.

Would you tell my mom hello for me?  Would you tell her to send me some of her strength?  It's funny Honey, but when I think of her, I still feel like her little girl.  Here I am a sixty seven year old woman, but when I think of my mom, I'm just her baby again. 

Well my love, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read until I fall asleep.  When you get a minute, come sit on my bed by me and if by chance you see a time when my brain is quiet for a minute, talk to me again. 

Good Night Honey.  Tell Daren his mom misses him so much.

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


Sunday, June 9, 2013

Daren's Letter - June 9, 2013

And so my son, some days are better than others.  Some are worse.  I don't know why that is.  I've tried to sort it out in my mind and have yet to reach a conclusion.  When the pain comes; when I feel as though the knife has reached my heart and turned, I wonder why.  What was I thinking.  What was I smelling.  What was I hearing that changed how I felt so quickly.

Yesterday I was busy.  "Get up and get busy," your dad would say.  "It will make you feel better."  And I had been busy for the better part of the day, but then it crept in; the pain of missing you.  So I downloaded songs by Kid Rock and Lynard Skynyrd, burned them onto a CD, called Frodo to come with me and you and I went for a ride.  Did you notice the kiss I sent into the air when I played Kid Rock singing "Born Free."  Did you attempt to wipe the tears I couldn't hold back?

I talked to you.  I told you how much I love you.  I told you that this thing called life is full of lessons, some of which we all will pass and some we will fail and need to take the class over again.  Did you hear me tell you that you passed so many of your classes. 

Did you hear me say "I hope so," when I played Lynard Skynyrd's "Simple Man."  I had heard you said that song reminded you of me.  It tells of a mother that tries to teach her son what is really important in this life.  You learned much from someone honey.  You learned to be kind, compassionate, giving and loving.  I hope I played a part in those parts that made you, you. 

I tried to call Vince and Christian.  I just needed to hear their voices.  But they weren't by their phones.  I left them messages.  I told them how much I loved them, that I missed them, and I was proud of them. 

I don't understand this thing called grief.  I keep telling myself over and over that I am not the first nor will I be the last to lose someone I love so dearly.  And I know that Honey, but it doesn't matter.  After I've lectured myself and scolded myself using the part of my brain that is logical, the part of my heart that hurts says "But that knowledge doesn't make it any better."

So I sit on my bed and write this letter to you because when I do, I feel my words are going out into the universe and into your ears, into your heart.  When I write, I think you receive my letters.  It is no longer just words or thoughts whispered into the air.  It is words and thoughts written down, tangible, real.  As real as my love for you. 

So honey, I have my CD in my car.  It's labeled Susie's Songs, but it's not really mine.  They are your songs.  Songs that meant something to you.  Songs that you related to.  And because they are a part of you, they will be a part of me. 

I love you honey.  I do find comfort in knowing you are at peace now.  I know you no longer feel the pain your earthbound body was forced to endure.  If I close my eyes and listen close, I can almost hear your laughter echoing heaven.  I'll keep trying to hear it honey, because if I hear you laugh, then I will find some sense of joy in all that I do not understand.

Good night honey.

Sweet Peace my Boy.