Monday, November 26, 2012

Christmas is for Children and for Lovers

Christmas is for Children and for Lovers
Copyright 2012-Susie Whiting

Christmas lights are sparkling
Snowflakes dancing in the air.
Carolers are singing
Christmas time is here.

Children write to Santa.
There's tinsel on the tree.
I feel the magic of the season
Because you’re here next to me.

Christmas is for children and for lovers
feeling all the magic that it weaves,
marveling at the joy as they discover
Miracles can happen…if only you believe.

The chestnuts are roasting
The church bells start to chime.
It’s a winter wonderland
Walking with your hand in mine.

The sound of children laughing
As they play out in the snow.
It’s the season for believers
So everyone should know.

Christmas is for children and for lovers
feeling all the magic that it weaves,
marveling at the joy as they discover
Miracles can happen…if only you believe.

The magic of the season feels the air
Because there’s children and you are here.

Sunday, November 25, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 25, 2012

Hi Honey:

One holiday is over and one more to go...for now.  Once again, there was a void in Thanksgiving.

I've had a chance to think over the past year, Honey.  When you left, you took so much with you.  Not only did I lose you, but I lost a way of life.  Traditions that had once been mine, have now been passed down to our children...but I guess that is the way of traditions.  Isn't it?

I no longer will have all of our children over to "our" home for the holidays.  I will no longer decorate with my truck load of decorations as I did in the past.  Those too have been passed on to our children.  Everything is different now.  It's strange how one day, everything is the same and then in twenty-four hours, life as I knew it was gone. 

I guess my love, I will need to figure out where I go from here.  I need to learn to accept that my life with you is no longer.  My life as it was passed with your passing.  I guess I need to evolve.

Honey, I don't know what it is like where you are at.  People of the world can all have their "beliefs" but none can say for certain what truly is.  So my darling I will just ask this.

If you have any power to understand what it is I should do with my life now until my life itself is over, please find a way to let me know.  As it stands now, I am tossing in a state of limbo; unable to get my footing and not knowing which way to walk once I do. 

I don't want to waste this "different" life of mine.  If I must go on without you and without the life I once had, I want to go on in a way that matters.  I don't just want to wake up each morning and just put in my hours like that of a lazy laborer waiting for the clock to tick by.  I want my time to make a difference.  I want to go on in the right direction; one that will eventually lead me to wherever it is you are at.  But Honey, I don't know what road to get on or what exit to take.  So I need your help.  If you yourself cannot guide me, then ask someone who can. 

I will keep trying to find the answers myself, but I feel I need to "let go and let God".  I'm afraid the decisions I make at this time of desperation will only lead me in the wrong directions from where I should be going. 

I haven't told you yet that I love you and miss you more than you could imagine.  (And I can hear you say "What would you love and miss about me?")  And as I did so many times, I would hold you and say "Everything."

It's Sunday here.  Do you rest on Sunday where you are at?  You never did while you were earthbound.  In my mind, I see you on a new and improved 1969 Massey Ferguson tractor grading the dirt of heaven.  And I can see that when I come to meet you, you will have everything nice and level and "square with the world."  (Honey, the world isn't square.)  And knowing you as I do so well, you will sprinkle down the dust before I get there. 

I love you my crazy wonderful husband and will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.

Wednesday, November 21, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 21, 2012

Hello Honey:

Last year, the night before Thanksgiving, I went to make my stuffing for the next day and broke down telling Daren "I can't do this."  He slid the turkey back in the fridge and told me "Just wait 'til tomorrow Mom."  Well Honey, you would be proud of me.  I just finished making my stuffing, it is in the fridge waiting to be baked tomorrow.  The turkey is prepped, so I just need to slide it in the over in the morning. 

It has been a hard day without you.  Then, Shannon called asking me how to make my stuffing so she can have it in Alaska tomorrow.  Daren called me asking how to make my lemon jello and Vinnie called asking me how to bake a pie.  And once again, Honey, my kids were the ones who lifted me up and dusted me off and helped me make it through the day.  Just knowing our Alaska families will be sharing Thanksgiving together, Sheree and her family will be sharing it with Jon's sister, and Susan, Mark and Rainee will be here tomorrow, somehow makes it better.  There will be lots of talk and laughter and things will be okay. 

This Thanksgiving I am so thankful for love.  There is no greater gift than it.  I have been so blessed to have been loved by good parents, siblings, friends and then you, our children and grandchildren.  As the song from "The Sound of Music" goes "Somewhere in my youth or childhood, I must have done something good."  God has been so tremendously good to me.

The house is smelling of cranberry muffins.  If you were here, you would be telling me how to fix the turkey and I would remind you I have fixed more than forty-seven turkey dinners.  Then you would say "You always were the champion turkey cooker."  Did I ever tell you thank you for all the little endearing things you use to say to me.  I love you Honey.  I'm sorry for ever taking anything you said or did for granted.  I wish I could reach out and grab hold of all of them and hold them close once more. 

I don't know what your schedule is like where you are at, but if you get a chance come around tomorrow.  Go to Ashley's and see our Alaska kids, then go to Sheree's and look in on her and then come on to Mark's and we will be here hoping to feel you with us. 

Wherever you are, know that I love you and will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


Tuesday, November 20, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 20, 2012

Hi Honey:

It's almost Thanksgiving; your favorite holiday.  How you loved the smell of turkey roasting and you said no one made dressing like I did.  You would always give me a hard time about buying so much food, but then you would be so proud when it all came together on Thanksgiving Day.

If you were here, I would be finding out where to buy the best mincemeat pie for you. If you were here, tomorrow night you would have a piece with your coffee and then Thanksgiving morning you would have another piece with your coffee.  It was a good thing you started eating it early because no one else liked mincemeat pie but you.  After Thanksgiving dinner, you would say "It's a shame I can't eat more."

You would grin as the kids wrote on the "Thankful Door".  When they had all left, you would have me read to you what they said they were thankful for.  You were always thankful Honey.  You were thankful for the warmth of your home, the food you ate, your bed at night, getting in out of a storm, or a cool breeze in the summer.  You appreciated an ironed shirt, a good cup of coffee, and me. You had such a good spirit.  I hope our children and grandchildren will learn how to be thankful for the little things in life as you were. Now as I think about you my love, it's the little things about you that I love and miss the most.  The little things are what really matter in this life.

I'll go about the motions of preparing Thanksgiving dinner.  The turkey will be roasted the same way as will the dressing.  The potatoes and gravy will be just the way you liked them and of course there will be yams. 

Maybe I will buy a mincemeat pie after all.  Then when everyone has gone to bed, I will make two cups of coffee, one for me and one for you.  And I will sit in the quiet of Thanksgiving night and drink my coffee and think of you.  I will be Thankful that you fell in love with me.  I will be Thankful for our 47 years together.  I will be Thankful for our children and grandchildren.  I will be Thankful for the memories we built.  I will be Thankful I am Danny Whiting's wife.  Then when I start getting sad from missing you, I will go to bed but not before I tell you I love you and always will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


Saturday, November 17, 2012

, A Letter to Danny - November 17, 2012

Hi Honey:

If you were here, we would be snuggled down in our bed listening to the rain beating against the windows and you would say "I'm sure glad we're not sleeping out underneath the truck."  I don't know whatever prompted you to say that as I really don't remember a time we slept out under the truck.  But, you would say it and I would agree and right now, I'm sure glad I'm not out sleeping underneath a truck. 

I was trying to imagine today what things you might be doing wherever it is you're at.  Then the thought came to me that you are probably doing some pretty important things.  I think this, because of the spirit you had.  You truly had a wonderful spirit.  You loved your family, the earth, and the animals.  In so many ways, you were child like, and it only made me love you more.  I have your Bible with me; the one that you slept with under your pillow.  You wouldn't go to sleep without it. 

I want you to be happy where you are Honey...but not real happy.  As you use to say "Misery loves company" and since I am being miserable without you, I would really like for you to be a little miserable too. 

I want you to miss me and my Hersey bar like I miss you and your Pepsi.  I want you to miss my singing to you when we would go for rides and hearing me tell you that I love you.  I want you to miss my riding in your dump truck with you while we shared a lunch or when I helped you change your tires.  I want you to remember my riding on the side of your backhoe with you as we went out in the fields to load hay or to irrigate the fields.  I want you to miss my hearing you call me "Snuggler" or "Sweeter".  I want you to miss the noise of our home when all the kids came over and the laughing never ceased.  I want you to miss our life together, like I do. 

But I don't want it to consume you Honey, like I'm sure you don't want it to me.  I want you to go about doing what you need to do, but if you smell rain on hot cement, think of me. 

I love you Darling, and I will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


Wednesday, November 14, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 14, 2012

Hi Honey:

Well it's been a year.  Our kids called me yesterday to see how I was holding up and I told them I had relived the day you left for the last 364 days.  Yesterday was no different.  In your honor, we had tacos for dinner. 

Mark called me this morning and told me he's reminded of you every day.  When he drives the dump truck or goes duck hunting out in Duschene Valley, you are there with him.  All of your kids miss you something awful.  It just shows how much you are loved.  (and right about now you would say "What is there about me they love." and I would tell you "There's a lot of reasons")  I hear your voice in my head often.

A year ago today, I went to the pre-trial hearing I came down to Utah to go to.  The pain from your dying was so fresh and intense.  I made it through the meeting and then Mark took me to the airport to fly back to late, to you. 

I sat in my seat and I didn't know how I was going to make it.  Oh God I was hurting.  Then I heard in my head as you you told me "Have a glass of wine.  It will help." 

The stewardess came by and I did as I heard you tell me.  She gave me a glass of wine and I chugged it down.  You know how I hate the taste of alcohol so I took it like I would take a spoonful of  The fact that I hadn't had anything to eat all day helped speed it into my blood stream.  Being a novice drinker, a glass of wine made me drunk. 

I arrived in Spokane for my layover and called Rainee to let her know I made it safe.  Needless to say, she knew by the way I was talking, I wasn't myself. 

Honey, it was so funny.  Within ten minutes after hanging up with Rainee, I had calls from all of our kids and Lola too.  Mom was drunk!!  Rainee was sure I was going to miss my connecting flight, or make a scene on the plane and get thrown off.  It was just so funny.

Even drunk, I had the soundness of mind to tell myself "Susie.  You need something to eat."  So I went to McDonalds and after a cheeseburger and a coke, I was feeling better.  I made my connecting flight.  I didn't cause a scene.  I didn't get thrown off the plane.  I made it back to you, none the worse for a glass of wine.  I guess the next time you advise me, you might want to think it through a little better.

I love you Honey.  Another day of missing you. 

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


Monday, November 12, 2012

Mama He's Gone

Mama He’s Gone
Copyright 2012-Susie Whiting

Mama, when I was a little girl you told me
when I cried I’d feel better after while,
that the tears would wash away the pain inside me
and in a while you would see me smile.

I sit here in the dark with just one shadow on the wall
The ticking of the clock tells me life doesn’t stop at all.
I play the movie in my mind from beginning to the end
refill my empty glass and then replay it all again.

There’s no more tears inside
They’ve all been cried
and I still can’t smile.

Oh Mama I’ve tried, I don’t know what to do
I can’t seem to stop my heart from tearing in two.
The tears that I’ve cried, don’t fix what is wrong.
Oh Mama I’e cried. But Mama he’s gone.


There’s no more tears inside
They’ve all been cried
and I still can’t smile.

Oh Mama I’ve tried. I don’t know what to do.
I can’t seem to stop my heart from tearing in two.
The tears that I’ve cried, don’t fix swhat is wrong.
Oh Mama I’ve cried. But Mama he’s gone.

Mama I’ve tried. Mama I’ve cried.
But Mama he’s gone.

Sunday, November 11, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 11, 2012

Good Morning Honey:

I dreamed about you again this morning just before I awoke.  We were in our trailer house down along the Provo River.  You were having chest pains and I had a girl call for an ambulance.  I kept telling you "The ambulance is just about here Honey.  Just hold on." 

I could hear the sirens coming, but when they got to the corner of where we were it turned the other way.  I got you into your truck and started down Center Street in Provo to take you to the hospital.  I missed the entry to the Emergency.  I  and when I got to the exit end I pulled in, pulled up onto the lawn and ran in to get someone to come and help us.  As I was running back to the truck I yelled over my shoulder "He needs a wheelchair." 

When I got to the truck, my niece was talking to you.  You were telling her "I'm okay."  I told her "He's not okay.  It's his heart.  He's just always so positive. 

One of the male nurses said "Yes.  Danny is always positive."

Next, I was back in our trailer house alone.  I told myself "He died.  I remember he died."

Next I'm walking down the street and I see your truck pulled to the side.  Daren is standing at the driver's side window telling some guys "That was a hard job."  I see a building and I know that you are in there.  "If he's there," I told myself, "I'm going to go up to him and hold him and tell him how much I love him."  I walk in and there's this long table full of food.  You are standing there.  I could tell you just had a hair cut. (or your ears lowered as you would say.)  You are wearing your green quilted jacket.  I walk up to hold you and you backed up a little.  I reached out and held on to your left arm as you said "Be happy.  Let's just move forward."  Then I woke up.

After a year of not dreaming of you...not being with you, I felt as though I was in a vise and pressure was squeezing me in.  After the last two nights of having you in my dreams, that has lifted.

I love you so much Honey and miss you more than words can say.  I don't want you to worry about me.  I know you have "things" you need to do where you are at and I want you to be happy too. But I will welcome your visits in my dreams anytime.

Today is my mom's birthday.  Wish her a happy birthday for me.  Tell her I love her.

I love you Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


Saturday, November 10, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 10, 2012

Hi Honey:

A year ago at this time, I was in Utah.  Your attorney had called us regarding your case against Rite Aid Pharmacy.  Remember Honey, they had filled the wrong prescription and it had made you very ill.  Your attorney said that one of us had to come back to Salt Lake City for a pre-trail conference.  You didn't feel like going so you had me go in your place.

You were so terribly sick this day, a year ago.   Daren took you to the clinic in Fairbanks and Shannon and Haley met you there.  Even being so sick, they said you still had your sense of humor.  When the nurse went to draw your blood, just before she poked the needle in, you yelled "OWW".  They said the nurse jumped so high.

Shannon and Haley laughed when the doctor asked you if you had any children and you told him you had two sons.  "What are we...chopped liver." Haley said. 

They were so worried about you and worried that I was three thousand miles away.  They told the doctor I was in Utah and asked him if they should have me come home.  He told them to wait until Monday; that they would run more tests then.  You died on Sunday. 

How can a year go by so quickly without you?  How can so much pain be packed into such a small time frame. 

You always had such vivid dreams Honey.  I remember you telling me about them and they would be filled with such details.  You knew I had seldom dreamed and when I did, I couldn't remember them. 
Not being able to dream about you has bothered me the entire year.  That is why what happened night before last was so incredible.

Haley had been talking to you as she was driving home.  She said she hoped people would think she was talking on her phone if they happened to glance her way and see her by herself with her lips moving.  But she was talking to her Dad, telling you to get ahold of one of us and let us know you were okay.  "I don't care who you contact, Dad," she said.  "rather it's me or Rainee or Daren or somebody.  Just get in touch with one of us and let us know you are okay.  Mom is struggling.  She needs to know you are all right."  She said she talked to you all the way from Fairbanks to Moose Creek. 

I laid down on my bed that night and fell asleep.  And I dreamed of you. We were sitting in a large dark room, but a light illuminated a table and chairs, the kitchen cupboards, and a bed that was in the background.  I was looking for something to fix to eat.

"You don't like chicken stew.  Do you?"  You asked me.
"Do we have chicken stew?"  I asked as I kneeled down to look in the cupboard.  All I saw was can goods and a Hostess Cupcake.  You liked Hostess cupcakes, so I placed it in front of you and turned the television around so you could see it.

You gave a little shiver like you use to do when you were cold.  I knelt down in front of you and rubbed your right leg with my left hand.  I could feel the texture of your levi's, and feel the tightness of your swollen leg underneath.

"Do you want to go lay down and get warm?"  I  asked you."  Then I said a silent prayer "Please God don't take him from me." 

I awoke, and for just a few seconds, I still felt you there with me. 

"I'm so glad I got to be with you."  I said aloud to you for I knew you were there in my room.

It was late, but I had to tell someone I had been with you, so I sent a message to Rainee.  Little did I know that later that night, you would visit her in her dreams also.  I would later learn you visited your niece Sherry too.

Early that morning, Jereme was laying in bed.  Everyone else had left the house and he heard the bathroom faucet turn on.  He thought perhaps McKensie was still at home.

"McKensie," he called.  "What are you doing?" 

There was no answer.

He walked into the bathroom to find the handle of the faucet turned on and the water  running with no one there......No one but you Honey.

Thank you Honey for hearing Haley as she talked to you.  Thank you for loving us enough to want to let us know that you are okay. 

I love you Darling,

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.



Wednesday, November 7, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 7, 2012

Hi Honey:

Every morning I wake up with a pressure that seems to squeeze me.  It stays throughout the day, and I know that it is because the 13th is coming.

Do you remember the poem I wrote for you when your dad died.

Carry On
I know that when a heart is full of sorrow
as though the dark of night may never see the dawn,
it's hard to bear the burden squarely on your shoulders
and say "He's gone, but I must carry on."
I know for every drop of rain you see no rainbow,
for every bird you see, you hear no song.
I know it hurts to face the coming 'morrow.
But I am gone, and you must carry on.
So face the future bravely, head held proudly.
Make every dream we've ever dreamed come true my son.
For though you see me not I'm always with you
and with calloused hands will help you carry on.
So please hold back your tears and feel no sorrow.
For it's here in heaven that I now belong.
There's work in God's Holy Habitation
and with a happy heart I too shall carry on.
Now my words seem so hollow.  I'm doing the best I can Honey.  Somedays are better than others.  I'm not certain what my purpose here is anymore for after all, you were my purpose for so many years.  I wake up in the morning and put one foot in front of the other and pray that I am walking down the path I should be walking. 
I need you to do something for me Honey.  I know that where you are at now, you have the answers.  So if you see me walking and if I seem to be stumbling or going off track, please nudge me back onto the right road.  Help me stay on the one that will lead me back to you.
I miss you Darling and I will love you
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.

Saturday, November 3, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 3, 2012

Good Morning Honey.

Was it planned somewhere in the pre-existence; your leaving me?  Did somewhere deep inside your soul, hidden from your consiousness, lay the knowledge that when I boarded that plane a year ago, I would not see you again in this lifetime.  Before time, was it you who made the decision that it would be at that time your soul would fly free of the binds of this earth and leave me behind with so many regrets, or was it the both of us that made that decision...somewhere so very long ago?

I'm certain that at the time the decision was made, it all seemed so simple and understandable, for at that time, we had perfect knowledge of the reasons.  But in this life, not all is so simple and understandable. 

I had always been with you Honey.  I had been there with you through each and every bump and climb along our life.  Even if it was only a bad dream, I was there beside and would listen until your steady breathing let me know you had once again drifted off to sleep.  I would lay my hand on your chest and the beating of your heart would lull me back to rest.  I was there with you when we were a financial success, and when it was all taken from us.  I was with you when you could swim upstream, and then when you labored to walk.  I was there with you when your fears were irrational and your temper uncontrollable and again when your strength gave me peace and your tenderness showed me love. 

I was with you every day, except for that day, that last day when you needed me and I wasn't there for you.  But was it in the pre-existence that we made that decision...that I would not be with you at that time.  Was it because had I been there I could not have let you go and had I been there, you would not have had the strength to go. 

I don't know Darling.  I don't understand.  I only know I miss you and would move heaven and eath to be with you, had I the power.    But because of our children, I will wait.  I am broken, but I am breathing.  I will get up and get busy because it will make me feel better.  For after all, those were your words. 

When I think about how long it will be until I'm with you again, I can almost hear you whisper "It's such a short time."  Perhaps were you are at, mortal time is but a blink of the eye, but where I am at, it moves as molasses from a jar. 

I am still with you Honey.  You are in my waking thoughts and my dreams.  You are in the color of the autumn leaves and the first snowfall.  You are in the pines and the rivers, the sunrise and sunset.  You are in our sons and daughters.  For not matter how far apart we are, we are bound by that golden, invisible thread; the thread that binds hearts.

I love you my Darling.

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.