I just went for my walk. Were you with me as I listened to "Born Free" and "Dance with the Devil?" Did you see me kiss my fingers and press them against the air in front of me as I said "I love you babe."
I walked down by Bailey's Bend and the memories came flooding back. I remember pulling up there with your dad in the dump truck, and seeing you and Mark working there. I always fixed extra sandwiches when I made your dad's lunch, because I knew you would be so happy to get one of them. You would usually raid a Pepsi out of our cooler too.
You knew about the times I was disappointed when I knew you had been on drugs, but I don't think you really understood how tremendously happy you made me when I would know that you weren't. God how I love you honey. Oh how I miss you.
I was remembering tonight how the day after your dad died and I flew back to Alaska, how you were there at the airport waiting for me. You encircled me in your arms and just stood there holding me. Thank you honey for all your hugs. Thank you for loving me as your mom. Thank you for liking my sandwiches and my Spanish rice. It's so funny honey that now, at this time in my life, I am so happy I got to do those simple silly things. I had hard boiled some eggs one day and showed up on the job with them peeled and in a ziplock baggie with salt and pepper on them. You would have thought I'd fixed you pheasant under glass. You appreciated those eggs so much.
Remember how you teased me when I was backing out the snowy driveway at our Salcha house and then it was you that backed out and got stuck. You were so mad. I was laughing to myself.
In my mind right now, you are wearing worn levis, dusty work boots, and your orange tee shirt with the Mark Whiting Construction insignia on it. In my mind, you are still so handsome and so silly. A lot of times, Mark will be kidding around, and when I look at him, I see the same silly expressions you used to get.
Vinnie called the other day to get my checking account number so he could deposit money for his insurance. He called me later to tell me it was there and that he had deposited a little extra so I could buy something for myself. "Vinnie," I said. "You don't need to do that."
"Grandma," he replied. "Would you stop telling me what to do. Go buy yourself some diapers."
"You know, you sounded just like your dad," I said.
So I bought me a jacket that I had been needing and texted him to tell him what his money had gone for and to thank him again. He responded by texting "No problem, Granny. :) My dad kinda pounded it into my head to make sure you come first. So I try."
Honey, I don't expect anything from your boys...just their love. But thank you for caring about me that much.
I'll try to help them as much as I can without infringing on their "space". I love them both so much.
I had to write to you tonight honey. The pressure cooker I've told you about was building up steam, and writing you is the way I release the pain.
Wherever you are my beautiful son, know that someone here, sitting on her bed, loves you so very much and forever and ever my baby you'll be.
Love you Honey.