Wednesday, April 17, 2013

A Letter to Danny - April 16, 2013

Hi Honey:

Everyone has gone to bed as I sit here thinking about you.  I haven't felt well the last few days, and not feeling well reminds me of you.  It's funny all the things that make me think of you.

When you were with me and I didn't feel well you would say "Can I get you anything?" and I would say "No.  I'm fine." 

Then you would say "Why is it you can always get things for me when I don't feel good, but I can never get anything for you?"  I tried to explain honey, that as a girl growing up, my mom had to work during the days.  In my teenage years, it was just she and I at home, so if I wasn't feeling good, I had to get for myself because there was no one else there.  Now as I sit here, I realize that perhaps I made you feel I didn't need you and Honey that is so far from the truth. 

Knowing that you slept beside me brought me comfort.  Knowing you were there if I really needed you, brought me peace. 

Some might find it hard to believe that the sound of your snoring was such a good sound to me.  For so many years when we were younger, you struggled sleeping at night.  So when we got older and I would hear you snoring, it was like music to me.  I knew you were resting and so I could too.

Tonight, my love, how I wish you were here with me.  If you would ask me if I needed anything, I would find a list.  But since you can't be with me, I will write this letter to you.  Because when I write to you, I am with you again.  Talking to you as if you sat beside me.  Cry knowing that you would wipe my tears.

When I lost you Honey, I knew you were gone.  But with Daren, I can't wrap my mind around his leaving. 

With you, it seems I cried for weeks, missing you so bad.  With Daren, it's like so often I refuse to believe he's not here so I don't cry, until the tears build up to over-flowing.  Honey, is it because a child is not suppose to go before his mom? 

The only comfort I have Honey, is knowing he is there with you and you are there with him.  But then my love, you have always been there for him. 

So as I sit here tonight with my medicine beside me, should I by chance here you whisper "Can I do something for you?"  I would say "Yes, Honey.  Keep taking care of our boy for me.  Keep knowing how very much I love you and tell him that his mom loves him so much.  Find time to stay beside me and if by chance you can, let me know you are here.  When I fall to sleep tonight, let me hear you snore in my dreams."

I love you Honey with all my heart and I will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.


WWAPSWAKGBTOWOT (Written with a pen.  Sealed with a kiss.  God bless the one who opens this.)

Monday, April 8, 2013

Daren's Letter - April 8, 2013

Hi Honey:

I sat in the dark last night, with my computer on my lap, looking at your picture.  It was your eyes that kept me drawn in.  I felt perhaps if I looked in them long enough and hard enough, I would see you smile at me, that perhaps you wouldn't be gone.

I do that sometimes honey.  I guess its self preservation, or something.  I think in my mind "He's not really dead.  He's just at home." And then the reality shines through and I know you're not home; not in Alaska anyway.  With that realization comes the pain and when it strikes, I pick up my Kindle and I start to read.  A few nights ago, I read an entire book throughout the night to ward off the hurt.  So I read, and while I read my mind doesn't let me remember you and your dad are gone.  Then, it all builds up, like a pressure cooker that has reached the point where if steam isn't released, it will blow apart.  The tears start, and my heart breaks.

"Get hold of yourself," I tell myself.  "Do you think you're the only one who's lost ones they love?  It happens everyday.  It has happened since the beginning of time and it will happen until time as we know it ends.  You shouldn't be causing your children to worry about you.  That's not right for you to do."

"I know," I tell myself.  "That's why I wait until it's dark; when they are all asleep." 

"You really think they don't know?  You think they don't see the difference?  You're an adult, Susie.  You need to pull yourself together.  You know what Danny would say 'Get up and get busy.  It will make you feel better'.  Do what you need to do for yourself to pull yourself together."

So I listen to myself be chastised by myself then reach over and pick up my Kindle.

I know I'll make it through this.  I will for your sons and for your siblings.  I don't know how long it's going to take.  I need to stop being wrapped up in me, for I know if someone is wrapped up in themselves, they make a very small package.

So I sit down at my computer and I write.  I write letters to you or to your dad, for right now, I can't seem to write anything else, and for me, writing is my coping mechanism. 

I love you honey.  I miss you so much.  I miss your dad so much.  Life seems so long today.


Tuesday, April 2, 2013

A Letter to Danny - April 2, 2013

Hi Honey:

I was just sitting here thinking.  You know me, I do a lot of thinking.  My thoughts took me into the past, as it's where the most important part of my life lies now.  I thought about boyfriends I had when I was young.  I had a few.  There was Alan Staker, David Broadbent, Jimmy Hout, Larry Hansen, Mickey Merchant and a few others.  They were the stepping stones, leading me to you.  For you see Honey, I had a few boyfriends, but I only had one love.  My one love of my life was you.  Boyfriends and "The love of your life" are as different as night and day.  The love of your life is the one you cannot fathom being without, the one who not only holds your heart, but also a part of your soul.

Times have changed since you and I were young.  Now, in this day, living together is the norm.  Marriage has been put on the back burner.  It's not for me to judge it this is right or wrong, but if I could tell our children or grandchildren anything I have learned in this life, it would be this. 

"If you make the decision to live with someone, be as committed to that person as if you had a marriage certificate tucked away in a cedar smelling chest.  If you are choosing to live with someone, make certain that person is the kind of person you would want to share your entire life with.  Please don't use "living together" as a means to having a back door, an escape route when things get tough or when angers flare, or when problems of life arise that needs to be worked out.  Make certain the person you are choosing to live with is the type of person you would want to be the parent to your children, grandparent to your grandchildren.  For you see.  Falling in love is a temporary insanity.  It is after that temporary insanity wears off, that true love sets in.  True love is the kind of love that will see you both through whatever life throws at you.  True love means you will stand by this person and he/she will stand by you for better or worse, through sickness or through health, rather you are rich or poor.  That you will stick by that person when age creeps around the corner, robbing him/her of youth, beauty, grace.  That when the skin has wrinkled and gravity takes control, and perhaps when the mind is lost to the past, when health requires a wheel chair or feeding tubes, you will look at that person and still see the love of your life.  If the person you are with is not the one that you would commit yourself wholly too, then perhaps it is not wise to live together.  Perhaps it would be the wiser to wait for the one you would be willing to marry rather you married them or not."

As for me my darling, I would rather have had one true love, one love of my life, that to have a hundred substitutes. And that I had in you.

You know how many times I think of you throughout the day.  You can hear me say "I love you, Danny" as I'm doing the dishes, or folding clothes, or driving in the car.  Sometimes without even thinking, those words escape my mouth.  I know then that you are so imbedded in my being, so deeply a part of me, that telling you I love you is as much a part of me as breathing.

I love you Honey, and will

Far beyond the 12th of Never.