A Letter to Danny - November 25, 2012

Hi Honey:

One holiday is over and one more to go...for now.  Once again, there was a void in Thanksgiving.

I've had a chance to think over the past year, Honey.  When you left, you took so much with you.  Not only did I lose you, but I lost a way of life.  Traditions that had once been mine, have now been passed down to our children...but I guess that is the way of traditions.  Isn't it?

I no longer will have all of our children over to "our" home for the holidays.  I will no longer decorate with my truck load of decorations as I did in the past.  Those too have been passed on to our children.  Everything is different now.  It's strange how one day, everything is the same and then in twenty-four hours, life as I knew it was gone. 

I guess my love, I will need to figure out where I go from here.  I need to learn to accept that my life with you is no longer.  My life as it was passed with your passing.  I guess I need to evolve.

Honey, I don't know what it is like where you are at.  People of the world can all have their "beliefs" but none can say for certain what truly is.  So my darling I will just ask this.

If you have any power to understand what it is I should do with my life now until my life itself is over, please find a way to let me know.  As it stands now, I am tossing in a state of limbo; unable to get my footing and not knowing which way to walk once I do. 

I don't want to waste this "different" life of mine.  If I must go on without you and without the life I once had, I want to go on in a way that matters.  I don't just want to wake up each morning and just put in my hours like that of a lazy laborer waiting for the clock to tick by.  I want my time to make a difference.  I want to go on in the right direction; one that will eventually lead me to wherever it is you are at.  But Honey, I don't know what road to get on or what exit to take.  So I need your help.  If you yourself cannot guide me, then ask someone who can. 

I will keep trying to find the answers myself, but I feel I need to "let go and let God".  I'm afraid the decisions I make at this time of desperation will only lead me in the wrong directions from where I should be going. 

I haven't told you yet that I love you and miss you more than you could imagine.  (And I can hear you say "What would you love and miss about me?")  And as I did so many times, I would hold you and say "Everything."

It's Sunday here.  Do you rest on Sunday where you are at?  You never did while you were earthbound.  In my mind, I see you on a new and improved 1969 Massey Ferguson tractor grading the dirt of heaven.  And I can see that when I come to meet you, you will have everything nice and level and "square with the world."  (Honey, the world isn't square.)  And knowing you as I do so well, you will sprinkle down the dust before I get there. 

I love you my crazy wonderful husband and will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.