Sunday, November 25, 2012

A Letter to Danny - November 25, 2012

Hi Honey:

One holiday is over and one more to go...for now.  Once again, there was a void in Thanksgiving.

I've had a chance to think over the past year, Honey.  When you left, you took so much with you.  Not only did I lose you, but I lost a way of life.  Traditions that had once been mine, have now been passed down to our children...but I guess that is the way of traditions.  Isn't it?

I no longer will have all of our children over to "our" home for the holidays.  I will no longer decorate with my truck load of decorations as I did in the past.  Those too have been passed on to our children.  Everything is different now.  It's strange how one day, everything is the same and then in twenty-four hours, life as I knew it was gone. 

I guess my love, I will need to figure out where I go from here.  I need to learn to accept that my life with you is no longer.  My life as it was passed with your passing.  I guess I need to evolve.

Honey, I don't know what it is like where you are at.  People of the world can all have their "beliefs" but none can say for certain what truly is.  So my darling I will just ask this.

If you have any power to understand what it is I should do with my life now until my life itself is over, please find a way to let me know.  As it stands now, I am tossing in a state of limbo; unable to get my footing and not knowing which way to walk once I do. 

I don't want to waste this "different" life of mine.  If I must go on without you and without the life I once had, I want to go on in a way that matters.  I don't just want to wake up each morning and just put in my hours like that of a lazy laborer waiting for the clock to tick by.  I want my time to make a difference.  I want to go on in the right direction; one that will eventually lead me to wherever it is you are at.  But Honey, I don't know what road to get on or what exit to take.  So I need your help.  If you yourself cannot guide me, then ask someone who can. 

I will keep trying to find the answers myself, but I feel I need to "let go and let God".  I'm afraid the decisions I make at this time of desperation will only lead me in the wrong directions from where I should be going. 

I haven't told you yet that I love you and miss you more than you could imagine.  (And I can hear you say "What would you love and miss about me?")  And as I did so many times, I would hold you and say "Everything."

It's Sunday here.  Do you rest on Sunday where you are at?  You never did while you were earthbound.  In my mind, I see you on a new and improved 1969 Massey Ferguson tractor grading the dirt of heaven.  And I can see that when I come to meet you, you will have everything nice and level and "square with the world."  (Honey, the world isn't square.)  And knowing you as I do so well, you will sprinkle down the dust before I get there. 

I love you my crazy wonderful husband and will

Far Beyond the 12th of Never.

1 comment:

  1. susie
    my how you touched me in your writings!!I am so glad you where on the same site , honored to be able to read your work.I can feel the pain as you write for in many ways ,I traveled the same road.I feel with time you will find the path you should travel, truth be told, you are on it !!You are touching people ,so many , in ways that make them stop, and so wow, things do change , there is hope for me and for love !!
    In your writings people can lose them selves s and grab hold of your thoughts, and follow you on this wonderful journey. That mt friend is a very special gift !! I too have lost in this past year , and it is soooo hard . What amazes me is your family . They are what binds you to this path , they are your true blessings !!In these times of uncertainty we seem lost and confused , believe me , you are not . You have found your road in which to travel, grab hold and walk it . You will enjoy it's journey .god bless , and always know, if it's in your heart , it is living !! tommy