One holiday is over and one more to go...for now. Once again, there was a void in Thanksgiving.
I've had a chance to think over the past year, Honey. When you left, you took so much with you. Not only did I lose you, but I lost a way of life. Traditions that had once been mine, have now been passed down to our children...but I guess that is the way of traditions. Isn't it?
I no longer will have all of our children over to "our" home for the holidays. I will no longer decorate with my truck load of decorations as I did in the past. Those too have been passed on to our children. Everything is different now. It's strange how one day, everything is the same and then in twenty-four hours, life as I knew it was gone.
I guess my love, I will need to figure out where I go from here. I need to learn to accept that my life with you is no longer. My life as it was passed with your passing. I guess I need to evolve.
Honey, I don't know what it is like where you are at. People of the world can all have their "beliefs" but none can say for certain what truly is. So my darling I will just ask this.
If you have any power to understand what it is I should do with my life now until my life itself is over, please find a way to let me know. As it stands now, I am tossing in a state of limbo; unable to get my footing and not knowing which way to walk once I do.
I don't want to waste this "different" life of mine. If I must go on without you and without the life I once had, I want to go on in a way that matters. I don't just want to wake up each morning and just put in my hours like that of a lazy laborer waiting for the clock to tick by. I want my time to make a difference. I want to go on in the right direction; one that will eventually lead me to wherever it is you are at. But Honey, I don't know what road to get on or what exit to take. So I need your help. If you yourself cannot guide me, then ask someone who can.
I will keep trying to find the answers myself, but I feel I need to "let go and let God". I'm afraid the decisions I make at this time of desperation will only lead me in the wrong directions from where I should be going.
I haven't told you yet that I love you and miss you more than you could imagine. (And I can hear you say "What would you love and miss about me?") And as I did so many times, I would hold you and say "Everything."
It's Sunday here. Do you rest on Sunday where you are at? You never did while you were earthbound. In my mind, I see you on a new and improved 1969 Massey Ferguson tractor grading the dirt of heaven. And I can see that when I come to meet you, you will have everything nice and level and "square with the world." (Honey, the world isn't square.) And knowing you as I do so well, you will sprinkle down the dust before I get there.
I love you my crazy wonderful husband and will
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.