It's strange how one day I can feel like I am going to make it, and the next feel like my heart is being ripped out of me.
I told myself yesterday "Nothing will ever be the same." I told myself the same thing when your Dad died, and now I say it about you. "Nothing will ever be the same." No matter how hard I try, or what I do, or how much I pray, "Nothing will ever be the same."
I can't call you and hear you say "Hi Mom. What's up." I can't hear you say "Love you Mom." I can't listen as you tell me about your plans or your dreams. What am I to do, Honey?
Why did you take it away from me? Why did you choose to take those last pills. Why were they more important than your boys or me. What did they give you that I was unable to?
Did you ever realize that one day they would win and I would lose. They would leave me sitting here in Alaska wishing so badly I could drive out to your house and see you again. Do you know I have your phone number on speed dial. I call it and listen to your voice mail message answer "Hey, this is Daren Whiting. Can't get to the phone. Leave me a message and I'll bet back with you. Thanks" The message I leave at hearing your voice is to kiss the screen of my phone and whisper "I love you honey."
My hands are tied. How I hate addiction. How I hate drugs that robbed me of my son. Do you know what it's like honey, to have an enemy that you hate so much and not be able to fight it. To look around me and watch that enemy win and win and win. To see other mothers lose and cry because they can't fight it either so they watch it rob them of their children too.
What do I do Honey? How do I accept this is something I just have to accept when it is something that is so wrong and unfair. Good guys are suppose to win. You were suppose to win. But you lost. I lost. Your sons lost. The good guys didn't win. The drugs did.
I hate the system. I hate that money is spent on incarcerating the addict instead of helping them recover. I hate it that I have no answers.
So I will sit here and cry. Cry for all that could have been but that will never be. I'll cry for me and your sons and for you, because I know you my boy. I know what kind of heart you had. I know how much you were capable of and now will never be.
Today I am angry. Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. Today I am lonely. The only way anyting could possibly be right from your death would be if I could help just one person not die too. But I don't know how honey. I don't know how to make a difference.
I know you are near me, but it's not the same. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I love you my darling boy.