Hi Honey:
I wish I knew where you were and what you are doing. You know me, honey. If I know where my all my family is, then I can rest.
What is it you do there in that new dimension? Are you taking your contractor's classes like you wanted to take here on earth, but that your drugs kept interferring with? You had so many dreams while you were living, and each one of them were so worthy. You wanted to get your contractor's license here in Alaska and start a business with your boys. Remember honey, I was going to come up and see that all the legal steps were put in place so you and Vinnie could get it going this year. You had an in-family bookkeeper.
I was hopeful but yet, I was also realistic, honey. I could see you fulfilling your dreams had it been only you, but you had a silent partner in your life. One that would keep pulling the rug out from under you and cause your good intentions to come crashing down around you.
My son, could do anything. You were smart and handsome and charismatic. Your dreams were not unrealistic and I knew you had whatever it took to make them come true. But then my darling boy, there was your alter-ego. Daren on drugs. That was the one that made the rules by which you would live by. That was the evil step child that would smash your dreams apart, that would unravel all you tried to build. It was a selfish one. It didn't care if it robbed my son of his time with his boys. It didn't care if it ripped lives apart and broke hearts. Addiction doesn't care about anyone but itself.
In my mind, I see you as you are now; where you are now. I see you happy, healthy and released of your demons. I can see my son, the same one I glimpsed when you were able to be yourself while here beside me.
For this moment in time my darling boy, I will be happy for you. I will be happy you are there being all that you can be. I will be happy that you are happy, that you have peace, that you are there with your dad, that you have a perfect understanding of everything. But it will only be for this moment in time though, honey. For I know it is just a matter of minutes that I will be missing you so much. I will be missing taking you out a loaf of my hot home baked bread. I will be missing hearing your voice on the phone. I will be missing your antics and your laughter and your dreaming of what might have been. Yes, my darling boy, I will even be missing lecturing you on not letting your drugs take control. I will miss everything and everything that has to do with my boy, my son, because I love you so much. I do know one thing my love. I know that love doesn't die. It doesn't die with death. Death robbed me of you, but it did not rob me of my love for you. It will live forever.
So, to keep my sanity, I will picture you. I will picture that you are not dead, but just away for a while. I will picture you in this place...this wonderful place where you are living up to your potential. I will picture you playing in the dirt with a backhoe, trackhoe, or hand shovel. I will picture you with your safety vest on and your hard hat too. Your levis will be dusty and your work boots will be worn. I can see you and your dad standing there arguing. He is saying there is no way the boring tool will come out on the other side of the road where it is suppose to because you lined it up with the left-handed part of your brain and he can only see through his right-handed part. I can almost feel the ground shake underneath my own feet as the tool makes its way across the road and comes out exactly where it is suppose to come out at. I can picture you telling your dad "I told you so, Pops." Then, in my vision, I see your dad place his hand on your shoulder...just place his hand on your shoulder and you know in that instant how very much he loves you and how proud he is of you.
I will play this movie in my mind and for a moment, it will make me happy. I will think you and he are just away for a little while and soon you will be back home again. Home in time for dinner. Then, I will come back into the present and realize two chairs will be left empty around the dinner table.
Be happy honey. If there's a chance you can let me know you are okay and close by, let me know. Okay?
Tell your dad I miss him and love him and I look forward to the day when I will be with you both again.
I love you.
Mom
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