I finished your story the best I could without your help. I heard if one happens to see little lightning bolts in their peripheral vision it's a spirit trying to communicate with them. After I finished your story, I walked out of my bedroom, down the hallway and to the outside of my left eye, I saw lightning bolts one right after the other. I know it was you, Honey. I could feel your energy.
When your dad died, I struggled so hard with not having the ability to feel him near me. You would tell me over and over "He's there, Mom. You just have to open yourself up." and I would tell you that I was truly trying. I knew that you were letting me know that you are with me. Did you hear me say "I see you, Honey. I love you so much and I miss you."
I hope, my darling boy, that your story will help just one person from getting into drugs or help them come off them. I don't know what else I can do, so I need your guidance to help me know what steps I should take from here.
I don't know what it is like where you are at. I don't know what it is you are suppose to be doing in the realm you know share with your Dad. I don't know what powers you possess. But if you do have power you can use on helping anyone here, I would ask that first of all you help your sons. Stay close to them and whisper to them to make right choices. Second Honey, you know your friends that are suffering from the same demons you had. If you can, go to them and encourage them to change the path they are walking. Encourage them to have the strength to do what you were unable to accomplish. If I can do something to help, somehow let me know what that something is.
You remember the lyrics I wrote for you "Dance with the Devil." Tyler York composed the music for it and Honey, it turned out so beautiful. He will have the professional demo done around March 3rd and we will get it on YouTube. I know you will love it when you hear it.
I'm heading to Alaska on Thursday. I'm going up to help Vince and Christian with all the legalities that came from your passing. They are such wonderful boys. I was telling Vince the other night what my plans were to keep from being a burden on my family and he said "Don't worry about it Grandma. I will take care of you." I told him how much his saying that meant to me, but its my responsibility to take care of me until I can't possibly do it any longer.
Life is not the same without you honey, nor will it ever be again. You left a void that cannot be filled by time or reason. I have wondered if a spirit can be terminally broken from being torn apart from grief. I feel when your dad left, he took a part of my spirit and when you left, you took another. I can actually feel an emptiness inside me. With your dad, I felt lost and with you I feel hollow. The thing that comforts me is closing my eyes and picturing you where you are at. I picture you walking along with your dad, or having a cup of coffee with him. I picture your smile as you say hello to your Aunt Mary and give her a big hug. She loved you so much. She enjoyed going home and finding her sink filled with trout you had caught in the Provo River. I picture your greeting all of our family that has past before you and I see the joy in their faces in seeing you once again. I can see your dad standing there being so proud of you.
I'm glad you are at peace Sweetheart. I'm glad you don't wake up everyday with trying to battle your addictions. I bet you feel so free now, don't you.
Wherever you are at, or whatever you are doing just remember one thing. There's a lady here, sitting in the middle of her bed writing this letter that loves you dearly...always have and always will. I'm glad I got to be your Mom and share your life with you.
I love you my boy.
'Til I'm with you again.