I wish so much my mind would stay quiet for a while.
"Be quiet." I try to tell myself. "Be quiet and perhaps you will hear him whisper. Perhaps you will feel a soft breeze cross your cheek and you will know it's him. Perhaps you will glance to your right or to your left and see a sparkle and know that he is standing next to you. Be calm and perhaps you will smell the faint scent of Old Spice Aftershave or Elsha 1776 Cologne.
"Just relax, be calm, be quiet. You can do it," I tell myself.
I do know you are close by me Honey. I know that the golden thread that bound us together for fifty years has not broken just because I can't see you. I just miss you so much.
And because I do, I write; because when I write, is when I feel close to you. I know you read what I write. Now, you read it yourself, unlike when you were here and would have me read it to you.
You will read how much I love you, how much I miss you and how much I cherish the time we had together. You will read how I feel a part of my soul was torn away when you left me, and how now another part has been torn away by Daren's leaving.
You will read, and you will feel the pain I feel and even though I cannot physically see, or hear or smell you, I know you will touch that emptiness I feel in my spirit and you will numb it for a while. You cannot heal it. You can only numb it. It will only be healed when once again I can reach out and take your hand and feel your arms around me. But until that time, having it numb will do. It will help me function, and smile, and not worry our children. It will help me see the sunrise and sunset although it will never seem quite as beautiful again. But that's okay Honey, for I have seen the beauty in it before...with you.
Tell that boy of ours that his Mom loves him. Tell him I miss him so tremendously. Tell him I'll watch out for his sons until they have the footing to watch out for themselves.
Go have a cup of coffee with him. Tell him to have a little coffee with his sugar.
I love you Darling.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never