I just replayed the slide show that we did at your memorial service. The house is quiet and the reality that you are gone has hit like a sledge hammer. You're gone.
No more hearing your voice say "Hi Mom" when I call you. No more hearing you say "I love you." For the last few days I have told myself, "Just pretend he's still in Alaska. Don't think about it. Just pretend." But I know that would not be healthy for me to keep doing. I can't hide in the fantasy my mind wants me to build no matter how much I would like to. But I don't know how I'm going to make it through this.
Do you realize how much joy you gave me. Do you realize how many times you made me laugh. Do you know that I know the fight you put up against your demons.
I was always so consumed in your conquering them, that I didn't ever tell you that I was proud that you were fighting them. I know of others that just give in and let addiction take control and not consider who they are hurting or not even care. You were never like that honey. You always cared. I know how much you loved your sons, me, your dad, your siblings.
Oh Honey. I know you are free from the pain. I know that somewhere in another dimension, you are looking back over your life and you are judging yourself. And I know you will be a harsh judge of yourself. I just pray you will look between the shadows and see all the light you created while here.
You are not in Alaska but you are somewhere. You are on a trip where there is no phone service or emails or texting, Federal Express or postal service. You are on a trip that the only way you can be reached is by my sending out my thoughts, love and voice into the universe. So I write this letter Honey. Because it is with the writing of it that my mind and heart is sending my message to my fingers and through the veil to where you are. Catch my love Honey. Catch my pride in you. Catch my memories. And my darling boy, if it be in your power wherever you are, send to me a bit of you. Send it in the sunshine, in the breeze, in a snowflake. Let me know you are close by me and I will make it through this.
I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. I love you. Catch my words. Catch my love.