You know how you and your siblings use to receive the "dreaded letters" from me. When ever you would do something that I didn't approve of, I would write you a letter and leave it on your pillow. Well Sweetheart, this isn't a dreaded letter. It's just one of many that will help your mother heal a little bit.
When your Dad died a year ago, you would tell me over and over and over "He's with you Mom. You just have to be open. You have to listen and take notice and not block him out." And I would tell you "I don't know how."
Well Sweetheart, you are not with me now and I still don't know how to listen and take notice and not block you out. You can't be subtle with me honey. You are going to need to do something pretty amazing for me to know you are with me. Honey, it's not that I don't believe. I really do. I think it's because my mind is just so noisy and I can't quiet it enough to hear your Dad or you.
I was thinking about the book we were going to write together. Remember, you called me a couple of weeks ago and told me you had come up with the name of it. You told me you wanted the title to be "SHUT UP. I'M TRYING TO HEAR MYSELF SPEAK." You were referring to your own mind never being quiet.
Our book was going to be about your struggle with addiction. You wanted to write it to help others not journey the same path you did. I can't write the book without you honey. I don't know half of what your demons put you through. So the idea will be put on a shelf. But my darling son, I do need your help....still. I have your two sons and twenty-three other grandchildren. Keep watch over them and if it be in your power, help them not journey the same road you traveled.
As you know my love, drugs are an epidemic in society today. It doesn't matter if one is young, old, rich, poor. They are being robbed of life by drugs. Your boy Christian said the other day "My dad saved my life and he saved the life of a lot of others." He was talking about how your addiction had made him realize and perhaps others that they should not take the same path. Please watch over the others that I love. Find someway to keep inspiring them to do those things that are right.
I love you my boy. (You are still and will always be my baby.)
Thank you for always being there for me. Thank you for making me laugh and cry and be alive because I was in your presence.
Give your dad a hug for me and tell him how much I love him.
Sweet Peace my Son