This will be a hard time of year this year for me. It is getting so close to the time you left me. It was just a year ago that I was trying to find a place for us to live. We had stayed in our trailer house as long as possible, but the cold temperature was making staying much longer an impossibility. I worried if we were going to be able to afford the rent on what I brought home. I worried if we would be able to afford the price of fuel to heat a house. I worried that you would be warm enough. You were so cold now that it was hard to keep you warm enough. was once told that 90% of what a person worries about never comes to be. I reminded myself of that when I was worrying so much.
I called you and told you when I got back home to Alaska, I would rent again the house we had lived in in Salcha. The rent had been reduced and I thought we would be able to afford the heating bill. You told me "Don't worry about it. A lot of things can happen between now and then."
Oh honey, I didn't know just how much would happen in that short amount of time. Everything I had worried about never came to be. You would leave and I would end up moving in with Mark during the cold of winter, and then with Shannon in Alaska during the summer. I didn't need to worry about rent, or the cost of fuel anymore. But what a high price that peace of mind cost me. I would trade losing you for it.
I don't know where you are or what you are doing now, my love. Oh I know. People always tell me you are with God or you are in heaven and I know that. But I also know you would not be content to be idle. You could never be idle. Even when you felt so awful, you always had work you needed to get done. What is your work there, Honey? Are you working on the road crews? Are there utility lines that need buried or is there hay to be hauled? Or are you chain-saw carving bears and turtles, owls or walking sticks from diamond willow. Or do you have another job? Are you watching over me and your children and your grandchildren. Are you close by trying to guide us down the road that will one day lead us to where you are?
Wherever you are my love, remember this. Our souls were both cut from the same star. Wherever you are, a part of me is with you. I know this, because I can feel it inside me. I can feel an emptiness that sits right below my heart. The emptiness is real. I believe when you left me, a part of my spirit went with you. The silver cord that bound us pulled apart my spirit when you left.
You are still in my prayers Honey. I pray that wherever you are, you are happy. I pray that wherever you are, you know that I still love you with all my heart, that you are always on my mind, and that I thank God for the life I was able to spend with you.
I love you Honey.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.