Sunday, October 21, 2012

A Letter to Danny - October 21, 2012

Hello Honey:

I have a lot of time on my hands now.  Time to think over our life together.

Falling in love is temporary insanity and was I ever insane over you.  In the dark of night when I think back to being sixteen years old and falling in love with you, I can still feel those old feelings in this old heart of mine.  I bet my grandchildren cannot fathom their grandmother feeling the same feelings back then, that they feel today.  Oh Honey.  They know so little about you and me.

Looking back, eighteen years old was so young to take on the responsibility of marriage.  But, I loved you and that was all that mattered at the time.  There was so much you didn't know about me back then; things that would take our lifetime together for you to find out.

My mom was a widow, who had grown hardened by life and men.  Her first husband died leaving her with seven children to raise on her own.  Then, marrying my dad, only to have him become terminally ill, once again left her to fend for herself and her children.  She was tough because that is what life created in her.  You just didn't know.

When we were first married, you had misconceptions of me.  Why you didn't voice these misunderstandings before we were married, I don't know.  Maybe you feared losing me as much as I did you.  You thought that my being raised by a single mom built in me the idea that a woman didn't need a man, and with this notion, your insecurities grew.  Because you harbored those thoughts, you didn't want Mom to influence my life as your wife and as a result, you didn't want me to have her in my life.

I tried to explain to you that my Mom accepted you.  She was so impressed with you.  You had told her that someday you wanted to build your family construction company into a major one, and she recognized your ambiiton.  She would comment that even in your contractor work clothes, you still looked well groomed.  She said she knew you would take care of me.  You see Honey, she didn't want me to have a life like her's either.

I tried to explain to you, I didn't want to be independent like my mom.  I didn't want to wake up in the morning knowing I was alone.  I didn't want to go out to go to work and find my car with a flat tire and know if it got fixed, I would need to fix it myself.  I didn't want to raise my children alone and not have the help of their father.  I didn't want to be tough.  I didn't want to be hard.  But you just didn't understand.  You thought that if I was around her, I would be like her.  Honey, you didn't understand that I was who I was because of her.  She was the one who molded the girl you fell in love with.  But to prove how much I loved you, I quit calling her.  I didn't invite her over nor did I visit her.  Surely then, you would see that it was you I wanted to be with.  But what you didn't understand was that at night when all was quiet, I would lay and worry about her.  I would worry she was there, alone and not know how much I loved her and appreciated her.  I would pray she would know that I was thinking of her and that I had not deserted her, for she was still very much in my heart.  I was torn between the two people I loved most in the world; not wanting to let either of you down. 

I was eighteen years old and married that brisk autumn day as I walked down the same street I had once walked when I had gone to school.  The maple trees that lined the street were decked in leaves of reds, golds and yellows.  Some of the leaves losing their grip, floated gently to the ground to swirl around my feet.  I recalled walking this street with my girlfriends, laughing and singing and sharing our dreams of what we envisioned our lives to be.  The golden brown of the horse chestnuts sparkled in the autumn sun, and as I reached down and picked one up, a tear found it's way down my cheek.  It was then I realized, I had thrown away my youth.

I wiped away the tear and placed the same hand over my stomach where my child rested just below my heart.  The autumn breeze kissed my cheek and a smile replaced the tear.  Everything would be okay.

I loved you and would love you

Far Beyond the 12th of Never

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