Hi Honey:
Everyone has gone to bed as I sit here thinking about you. I haven't felt well the last few days, and not feeling well reminds me of you. It's funny all the things that make me think of you.
When you were with me and I didn't feel well you would say "Can I get you anything?" and I would say "No. I'm fine."
Then you would say "Why is it you can always get things for me when I don't feel good, but I can never get anything for you?" I tried to explain honey, that as a girl growing up, my mom had to work during the days. In my teenage years, it was just she and I at home, so if I wasn't feeling good, I had to get for myself because there was no one else there. Now as I sit here, I realize that perhaps I made you feel I didn't need you and Honey that is so far from the truth.
Knowing that you slept beside me brought me comfort. Knowing you were there if I really needed you, brought me peace.
Some might find it hard to believe that the sound of your snoring was such a good sound to me. For so many years when we were younger, you struggled sleeping at night. So when we got older and I would hear you snoring, it was like music to me. I knew you were resting and so I could too.
Tonight, my love, how I wish you were here with me. If you would ask me if I needed anything, I would find a list. But since you can't be with me, I will write this letter to you. Because when I write to you, I am with you again. Talking to you as if you sat beside me. Cry knowing that you would wipe my tears.
When I lost you Honey, I knew you were gone. But with Daren, I can't wrap my mind around his leaving.
With you, it seems I cried for weeks, missing you so bad. With Daren, it's like so often I refuse to believe he's not here so I don't cry, until the tears build up to over-flowing. Honey, is it because a child is not suppose to go before his mom?
The only comfort I have Honey, is knowing he is there with you and you are there with him. But then my love, you have always been there for him.
So as I sit here tonight with my medicine beside me, should I by chance here you whisper "Can I do something for you?" I would say "Yes, Honey. Keep taking care of our boy for me. Keep knowing how very much I love you and tell him that his mom loves him so much. Find time to stay beside me and if by chance you can, let me know you are here. When I fall to sleep tonight, let me hear you snore in my dreams."
I love you Honey with all my heart and I will
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
WWAPSWAKGBTOWOT (Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. God bless the one who opens this.)
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Monday, April 8, 2013
Daren's Letter - April 8, 2013
Hi Honey:
I sat in the dark last night, with my computer on my lap, looking at your picture. It was your eyes that kept me drawn in. I felt perhaps if I looked in them long enough and hard enough, I would see you smile at me, that perhaps you wouldn't be gone.
I do that sometimes honey. I guess its self preservation, or something. I think in my mind "He's not really dead. He's just at home." And then the reality shines through and I know you're not home; not in Alaska anyway. With that realization comes the pain and when it strikes, I pick up my Kindle and I start to read. A few nights ago, I read an entire book throughout the night to ward off the hurt. So I read, and while I read my mind doesn't let me remember you and your dad are gone. Then, it all builds up, like a pressure cooker that has reached the point where if steam isn't released, it will blow apart. The tears start, and my heart breaks.
"Get hold of yourself," I tell myself. "Do you think you're the only one who's lost ones they love? It happens everyday. It has happened since the beginning of time and it will happen until time as we know it ends. You shouldn't be causing your children to worry about you. That's not right for you to do."
"I know," I tell myself. "That's why I wait until it's dark; when they are all asleep."
"You really think they don't know? You think they don't see the difference? You're an adult, Susie. You need to pull yourself together. You know what Danny would say 'Get up and get busy. It will make you feel better'. Do what you need to do for yourself to pull yourself together."
So I listen to myself be chastised by myself then reach over and pick up my Kindle.
I know I'll make it through this. I will for your sons and for your siblings. I don't know how long it's going to take. I need to stop being wrapped up in me, for I know if someone is wrapped up in themselves, they make a very small package.
So I sit down at my computer and I write. I write letters to you or to your dad, for right now, I can't seem to write anything else, and for me, writing is my coping mechanism.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I miss your dad so much. Life seems so long today.
Mom
I sat in the dark last night, with my computer on my lap, looking at your picture. It was your eyes that kept me drawn in. I felt perhaps if I looked in them long enough and hard enough, I would see you smile at me, that perhaps you wouldn't be gone.
I do that sometimes honey. I guess its self preservation, or something. I think in my mind "He's not really dead. He's just at home." And then the reality shines through and I know you're not home; not in Alaska anyway. With that realization comes the pain and when it strikes, I pick up my Kindle and I start to read. A few nights ago, I read an entire book throughout the night to ward off the hurt. So I read, and while I read my mind doesn't let me remember you and your dad are gone. Then, it all builds up, like a pressure cooker that has reached the point where if steam isn't released, it will blow apart. The tears start, and my heart breaks.
"Get hold of yourself," I tell myself. "Do you think you're the only one who's lost ones they love? It happens everyday. It has happened since the beginning of time and it will happen until time as we know it ends. You shouldn't be causing your children to worry about you. That's not right for you to do."
"I know," I tell myself. "That's why I wait until it's dark; when they are all asleep."
"You really think they don't know? You think they don't see the difference? You're an adult, Susie. You need to pull yourself together. You know what Danny would say 'Get up and get busy. It will make you feel better'. Do what you need to do for yourself to pull yourself together."
So I listen to myself be chastised by myself then reach over and pick up my Kindle.
I know I'll make it through this. I will for your sons and for your siblings. I don't know how long it's going to take. I need to stop being wrapped up in me, for I know if someone is wrapped up in themselves, they make a very small package.
So I sit down at my computer and I write. I write letters to you or to your dad, for right now, I can't seem to write anything else, and for me, writing is my coping mechanism.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I miss your dad so much. Life seems so long today.
Mom
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A Letter to Danny - April 2, 2013
Hi Honey:
I was just sitting here thinking. You know me, I do a lot of thinking. My thoughts took me into the past, as it's where the most important part of my life lies now. I thought about boyfriends I had when I was young. I had a few. There was Alan Staker, David Broadbent, Jimmy Hout, Larry Hansen, Mickey Merchant and a few others. They were the stepping stones, leading me to you. For you see Honey, I had a few boyfriends, but I only had one love. My one love of my life was you. Boyfriends and "The love of your life" are as different as night and day. The love of your life is the one you cannot fathom being without, the one who not only holds your heart, but also a part of your soul.
Times have changed since you and I were young. Now, in this day, living together is the norm. Marriage has been put on the back burner. It's not for me to judge it this is right or wrong, but if I could tell our children or grandchildren anything I have learned in this life, it would be this.
"If you make the decision to live with someone, be as committed to that person as if you had a marriage certificate tucked away in a cedar smelling chest. If you are choosing to live with someone, make certain that person is the kind of person you would want to share your entire life with. Please don't use "living together" as a means to having a back door, an escape route when things get tough or when angers flare, or when problems of life arise that needs to be worked out. Make certain the person you are choosing to live with is the type of person you would want to be the parent to your children, grandparent to your grandchildren. For you see. Falling in love is a temporary insanity. It is after that temporary insanity wears off, that true love sets in. True love is the kind of love that will see you both through whatever life throws at you. True love means you will stand by this person and he/she will stand by you for better or worse, through sickness or through health, rather you are rich or poor. That you will stick by that person when age creeps around the corner, robbing him/her of youth, beauty, grace. That when the skin has wrinkled and gravity takes control, and perhaps when the mind is lost to the past, when health requires a wheel chair or feeding tubes, you will look at that person and still see the love of your life. If the person you are with is not the one that you would commit yourself wholly too, then perhaps it is not wise to live together. Perhaps it would be the wiser to wait for the one you would be willing to marry rather you married them or not."
As for me my darling, I would rather have had one true love, one love of my life, that to have a hundred substitutes. And that I had in you.
You know how many times I think of you throughout the day. You can hear me say "I love you, Danny" as I'm doing the dishes, or folding clothes, or driving in the car. Sometimes without even thinking, those words escape my mouth. I know then that you are so imbedded in my being, so deeply a part of me, that telling you I love you is as much a part of me as breathing.
I love you Honey, and will
Far beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
I was just sitting here thinking. You know me, I do a lot of thinking. My thoughts took me into the past, as it's where the most important part of my life lies now. I thought about boyfriends I had when I was young. I had a few. There was Alan Staker, David Broadbent, Jimmy Hout, Larry Hansen, Mickey Merchant and a few others. They were the stepping stones, leading me to you. For you see Honey, I had a few boyfriends, but I only had one love. My one love of my life was you. Boyfriends and "The love of your life" are as different as night and day. The love of your life is the one you cannot fathom being without, the one who not only holds your heart, but also a part of your soul.
Times have changed since you and I were young. Now, in this day, living together is the norm. Marriage has been put on the back burner. It's not for me to judge it this is right or wrong, but if I could tell our children or grandchildren anything I have learned in this life, it would be this.
"If you make the decision to live with someone, be as committed to that person as if you had a marriage certificate tucked away in a cedar smelling chest. If you are choosing to live with someone, make certain that person is the kind of person you would want to share your entire life with. Please don't use "living together" as a means to having a back door, an escape route when things get tough or when angers flare, or when problems of life arise that needs to be worked out. Make certain the person you are choosing to live with is the type of person you would want to be the parent to your children, grandparent to your grandchildren. For you see. Falling in love is a temporary insanity. It is after that temporary insanity wears off, that true love sets in. True love is the kind of love that will see you both through whatever life throws at you. True love means you will stand by this person and he/she will stand by you for better or worse, through sickness or through health, rather you are rich or poor. That you will stick by that person when age creeps around the corner, robbing him/her of youth, beauty, grace. That when the skin has wrinkled and gravity takes control, and perhaps when the mind is lost to the past, when health requires a wheel chair or feeding tubes, you will look at that person and still see the love of your life. If the person you are with is not the one that you would commit yourself wholly too, then perhaps it is not wise to live together. Perhaps it would be the wiser to wait for the one you would be willing to marry rather you married them or not."
As for me my darling, I would rather have had one true love, one love of my life, that to have a hundred substitutes. And that I had in you.
You know how many times I think of you throughout the day. You can hear me say "I love you, Danny" as I'm doing the dishes, or folding clothes, or driving in the car. Sometimes without even thinking, those words escape my mouth. I know then that you are so imbedded in my being, so deeply a part of me, that telling you I love you is as much a part of me as breathing.
I love you Honey, and will
Far beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Sunday, March 31, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 31, 2013
Happy Easter my darling boy.
Do you have any idea how much I am going to miss you today. If you get a chance, keep watch. I am making the lemon Jello you liked so much with ham. Remember. You made it for Thanksgiving. Although I walked you through the recipe, step by step via telephone from Utah, you said you managed it into tasting like lemon rubber bands. Well keep watch today honey. I'm certain you will notice the two or three steps you forgot last November.
How I miss your way with words. I'm certain if you could tell us about the day you died, you would say you were "Hi Fiving the hand of God."
I will think today about the last time you shared in the Egg-mazing race with me here in Alaska. After finding one of the clues, it told you to head back to Haley's house. When you all got there, you had to participate in a relay race where you would run from point "A" to point "B" while jumping through a hula hoop. Watching you manipulate your 6'3" frame through that hula hoop was truly amazing (and pretty darn funny). And I can still picture you in the game where you had to put a pair of panty hose on your head which had a ball in the end of one toe. By sheer talent of swinging your head, you had to knock over some plastic bowling pins. I close my eyes and I can see you (and hear you). The memory makes me laugh...and then cry.
I love you my darling boy and I miss you more than any of my words could say.
Your boys are coming over the Shannon's today. We will be having the race again and they will be filled with good food and good fun. We will take care of them, this first Easter without you.
You must know already how very much you are loved by all of us and missed so dearly. You were such an important cog of our family wheel. Now you are gone, the wheel doesn't roll quite right anymore. Our family rolls on through life, but the journey is harder, not so smooth without you.
Come and be with us today. Let your boys feel your presence in the truck as they head out looking for the hidden clues. Let them hear you cheering for them as they make their ways through the obstacle courses. Sit next to them as they share the family dinner of ham, potato salad, lemon Jello and the rest of the trimmings. Help them to be happy honey. Help them to be safe. Help inspire them from where you are to do those things that are good and right and will help make for them, happy and successful lives.
And if you get a chance, let me here you whisper "I love you Mom."
For I love you, Daren.
Mom
Do you have any idea how much I am going to miss you today. If you get a chance, keep watch. I am making the lemon Jello you liked so much with ham. Remember. You made it for Thanksgiving. Although I walked you through the recipe, step by step via telephone from Utah, you said you managed it into tasting like lemon rubber bands. Well keep watch today honey. I'm certain you will notice the two or three steps you forgot last November.
How I miss your way with words. I'm certain if you could tell us about the day you died, you would say you were "Hi Fiving the hand of God."
I will think today about the last time you shared in the Egg-mazing race with me here in Alaska. After finding one of the clues, it told you to head back to Haley's house. When you all got there, you had to participate in a relay race where you would run from point "A" to point "B" while jumping through a hula hoop. Watching you manipulate your 6'3" frame through that hula hoop was truly amazing (and pretty darn funny). And I can still picture you in the game where you had to put a pair of panty hose on your head which had a ball in the end of one toe. By sheer talent of swinging your head, you had to knock over some plastic bowling pins. I close my eyes and I can see you (and hear you). The memory makes me laugh...and then cry.
I love you my darling boy and I miss you more than any of my words could say.
Your boys are coming over the Shannon's today. We will be having the race again and they will be filled with good food and good fun. We will take care of them, this first Easter without you.
You must know already how very much you are loved by all of us and missed so dearly. You were such an important cog of our family wheel. Now you are gone, the wheel doesn't roll quite right anymore. Our family rolls on through life, but the journey is harder, not so smooth without you.
Come and be with us today. Let your boys feel your presence in the truck as they head out looking for the hidden clues. Let them hear you cheering for them as they make their ways through the obstacle courses. Sit next to them as they share the family dinner of ham, potato salad, lemon Jello and the rest of the trimmings. Help them to be happy honey. Help them to be safe. Help inspire them from where you are to do those things that are good and right and will help make for them, happy and successful lives.
And if you get a chance, let me here you whisper "I love you Mom."
For I love you, Daren.
Mom
A Letter to Danny - March 31, 2013
Happy Easter Honey:
Your potato salad is done; just the way you like it, just the way I've made it for 49 years. A ham you would be proud of is in the oven and yes we will be doing the Egg-mazing Race this year. Your bunch of loons will be playing their parts.
You know my love, how much I miss you.
Remember when we started our Egg-mazing Race. Our kids were teenagers and too old for the Easter Bunny so we came up with a "scavenger hunt". We hid eggs all around Provo. With clues in hand, the kids jumped in their cars and as teams and set off to find the eggs. The first ones back won the grand Easter basket filled with treats and theater tickets. Susan was twenty-one then. She was forty-four at the last one we held in Utah. She was driving "her team" as they headed out to the Mona Reservoir to collect that clue. Everyone was passing her as she went as fast as her "ill" car would take her. The others all pulled down the road that led to the clue and as Susan pulled up behind them, she parked straddle the road so they couldn't get out. What she didn't have in cars, she had in brains.
When they finished the auto part of the race, they made it back to the house where each team needed a member to dress in the Easter Bunny costume. They donned their white long handle underwear with the net bath sponge pinned on as a tail, and their bunny ears affixed. They had to hop down under the little hill into the pasture where their team mates would throw them eggs. They had to catch three eggs, put the eggs in their baskets and hop back to the house. What they didn't know was the eggs were raw.
All of our kids were always such good sports. It didn't matter how silly we made things, they always joined in. I don't think they realized then, what these memoires would mean to me years down the road.
And now, our grandchildren are all grown too except for one. We will no longer be hiding 600 eggs in your hay fields for them to find like we did at our Payson house; riding around on your four wheeler covering the five eight acres. Because they are now young adults and teenagers they will continue the tradition with choosing up teams, jumping in their cars and searching Fairbanks for clues. There will be a void created by not having our Utah and Idaho kids here, but most of all by my not having you and Daren here.
But you will be here in my heart honey. You are here in my memories. How thankful I am to have them.
Throughout the day, I will think of you; think of you both. I will feel the pain of my loss, but I will be thankful that through the spirit of this holiday, I know that sometime, someplace, somewhere, I will be with you again.
Be with me today honey. Be with me and watch your loons.
I love you.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Your potato salad is done; just the way you like it, just the way I've made it for 49 years. A ham you would be proud of is in the oven and yes we will be doing the Egg-mazing Race this year. Your bunch of loons will be playing their parts.
You know my love, how much I miss you.
Remember when we started our Egg-mazing Race. Our kids were teenagers and too old for the Easter Bunny so we came up with a "scavenger hunt". We hid eggs all around Provo. With clues in hand, the kids jumped in their cars and as teams and set off to find the eggs. The first ones back won the grand Easter basket filled with treats and theater tickets. Susan was twenty-one then. She was forty-four at the last one we held in Utah. She was driving "her team" as they headed out to the Mona Reservoir to collect that clue. Everyone was passing her as she went as fast as her "ill" car would take her. The others all pulled down the road that led to the clue and as Susan pulled up behind them, she parked straddle the road so they couldn't get out. What she didn't have in cars, she had in brains.
When they finished the auto part of the race, they made it back to the house where each team needed a member to dress in the Easter Bunny costume. They donned their white long handle underwear with the net bath sponge pinned on as a tail, and their bunny ears affixed. They had to hop down under the little hill into the pasture where their team mates would throw them eggs. They had to catch three eggs, put the eggs in their baskets and hop back to the house. What they didn't know was the eggs were raw.
All of our kids were always such good sports. It didn't matter how silly we made things, they always joined in. I don't think they realized then, what these memoires would mean to me years down the road.
And now, our grandchildren are all grown too except for one. We will no longer be hiding 600 eggs in your hay fields for them to find like we did at our Payson house; riding around on your four wheeler covering the five eight acres. Because they are now young adults and teenagers they will continue the tradition with choosing up teams, jumping in their cars and searching Fairbanks for clues. There will be a void created by not having our Utah and Idaho kids here, but most of all by my not having you and Daren here.
But you will be here in my heart honey. You are here in my memories. How thankful I am to have them.
Throughout the day, I will think of you; think of you both. I will feel the pain of my loss, but I will be thankful that through the spirit of this holiday, I know that sometime, someplace, somewhere, I will be with you again.
Be with me today honey. Be with me and watch your loons.
I love you.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Friday, March 29, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 29, 2013
Hi Babe:
"You've just gotta empty your mind, Mom. Just let it happen."
These were words you told me when your dad passed away and I couldn't dream of him or feel him near me. You kept assuring me he was around, and I kept telling you I couldn't feel him.
"Look for him in a dream." You told me.
Well my dear boy, I dreamed of you. I dreamed I was on the telephone talking to someone. I was telling them I had lost you and I was sobbing. I was so hurt. Then I heard you say "Hi Mom."
"Daren just talked to me! I heard him on the phone! It was him!" I said to someone in my dream as I clutched the phone to my heart.
"Mom. I'm right here." You said and I looked up to see you standing in front of me. You were thinner and younger and as I approached you, I was afraid if I touched you, you would fade. But I reached out and touched your face and then put my arms around you. You hugged me back.
"I miss you honey," I said. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Mom." You replied holding me.
"Come with me," I said and we walked into another room where your dad waited. He looked up like he was looking into a bright light, shielding his eyes with his hand over his eyes. "Look honey. It's Daren," I said as he walked over to you and placed his hand on your head.
We walked out into the other room, and there were two people waiting for you. I only recall the man having a small moustache. The lady however was beautiful. She had on green pants and a lighter green shirt. Her hair was dark and had a beautiful sheen to it. It was turned under like hairstyles of the 1940's. Her complexion was beautiful and her lips were red. "We need to go," she said.
"You know he's a very good man," I said to them. And she said "We know. We only take the good ones."
Immediately, I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 4:58 in the morning.
I seldom dream honey, and when I do, I usually don't remember them. You know that. The fact that I recall so much detail of this one makes me believe that perhaps, it wasn't just a dream.
I love you so much honey. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you. Thank you for the hug and the words.
Forever Honey.
Mom.
"You've just gotta empty your mind, Mom. Just let it happen."
These were words you told me when your dad passed away and I couldn't dream of him or feel him near me. You kept assuring me he was around, and I kept telling you I couldn't feel him.
"Look for him in a dream." You told me.
Well my dear boy, I dreamed of you. I dreamed I was on the telephone talking to someone. I was telling them I had lost you and I was sobbing. I was so hurt. Then I heard you say "Hi Mom."
"Daren just talked to me! I heard him on the phone! It was him!" I said to someone in my dream as I clutched the phone to my heart.
"Mom. I'm right here." You said and I looked up to see you standing in front of me. You were thinner and younger and as I approached you, I was afraid if I touched you, you would fade. But I reached out and touched your face and then put my arms around you. You hugged me back.
"I miss you honey," I said. "I love you so much."
"I love you too, Mom." You replied holding me.
"Come with me," I said and we walked into another room where your dad waited. He looked up like he was looking into a bright light, shielding his eyes with his hand over his eyes. "Look honey. It's Daren," I said as he walked over to you and placed his hand on your head.
We walked out into the other room, and there were two people waiting for you. I only recall the man having a small moustache. The lady however was beautiful. She had on green pants and a lighter green shirt. Her hair was dark and had a beautiful sheen to it. It was turned under like hairstyles of the 1940's. Her complexion was beautiful and her lips were red. "We need to go," she said.
"You know he's a very good man," I said to them. And she said "We know. We only take the good ones."
Immediately, I woke up and looked at the clock. It was 4:58 in the morning.
I seldom dream honey, and when I do, I usually don't remember them. You know that. The fact that I recall so much detail of this one makes me believe that perhaps, it wasn't just a dream.
I love you so much honey. I can't begin to tell you how much I miss you. Thank you for the hug and the words.
Forever Honey.
Mom.
Sunday, March 24, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 24, 2013
Good Morning Honey:
So I said my prayers and asked my God to protect my family. All of you. I can't exclude you and your dad just because I can't see you, so you are still in my prayers. As always, I pray that you all will be protected; held safe, and well in the hollow of His hand. Then I pray that our actions will be those that are pleasing to Him, that we all will do things that are of good report, things that would be pleasing before Him.
This has been my prayer everyday for as long as I can remember and I have known God has heard me and for the most part, granted my request. Losing your dad and then you caused my faith to stumble for a while. "Why me?" I asked the darkness of my mind. But then I realized that if I had to ask why when times were dark, I would also need to ask why when times were bright and beautiful that had been most of my life. Why had I been so blessed to be born of good parents into a home of loving siblings. Why had I been blessed to fall in love with the love of my life, and have him love me for fifty years. Why had I been blessed to give birth to seven children that I would adore and cherish. Why would I be blessed with good friends who would love and support me throughout my life. The "whys" of life cannot only be asked when the storm clouds gather. They need to be asked when the sun is shining and the rainbow dips towards the earth, when a lazy breeze kisses your cheek on a hot summers day. When you hear a child's laughter, the bubbling of a stream, or the soft sound of quietness. So I will try to understand the "dark" whys while I embrace the good ones.
But even with my accepting, my darling boy, it doesn't mean my heart will not ache, that I will not be lonely, and missing. That is something I cannot seem to prevent. I look out my window here in Alaska and watch the steam rise from the exhausts. I see the snow piled on the buildings and the frost painted on the windowsills. For an instant I smell your cologne or the scent of your cigarettes. How I long to hear your steps come to the door, have it open and have you ask me if I have an extra cup of coffee. How I miss having you step in at dinner time and say "God, that smells good."
I've pretty much accomplished what I came back to Alaska to do. I've helped Vince and Christian get your death benefits set up for Christian. We changed phone service so it will be less expensive for them. We got Vince's income taxes filed and your retirement and insurances applied for. They have fuel enough to get them to spring. We filed for your Permanent Fund and for their's too. When you died, I could hear you say to me "Mom, would you help my boys get things straightened out?" and I told you, yes I would. And while I was helping them, it was like I was helping you still. Like so many times I did before, but like I will not be doing again. Your needing me is no more.
I look at the snow, at the exhaust floating in the air, at the frost painting the windows and I think "I can't do Alaska anymore. Not right now anyway. Losing you and your dad here makes me feel like my chest is in a vise. Like I can't breathe. I am so lonely even with everyone around. I know it will change. I know I will. I know it will take time.
I asked Vince if he would be okay and he told me he would. I told him if he needed anything to remember his Aunt Haley and Aunt Shannon were here for him and he said "I know that,Grandma. But Christian and I need to learn to take care of ourselves. We need to be self sufficient."
"Just promise me one thing, honey," I told him. "If you open your fridge and find no food, or if you turn on your heat and find none there, please remember you have people who will help you."
And he said "I know Grandma. I'll always have family."
So I'm going to freight your dad's welder and the boring tool back down to Utah. Mark needs them both.
Then I will say goodbye to Alaska for a while. Just until the memories can fade a little. I'm not needed here anymore in any great sense. Instead, I will go back to Utah where Mark can use my help with his books, where I can help Lola with Jeri, and where I can help Sheree get back on her feet again.
I will go back to the old memories. Memories where the pain has been muted by time. Where they bring more smiles than tears. And I will pretend. I will pretend that you are just three thousand miles away in Alaska.
Do you know how much this woman loves you? Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? I hope so honey. When you look back on your life...when you judge yourself...don't be too harsh. You have given so much joy.
I love you, babe.
Mom
So I said my prayers and asked my God to protect my family. All of you. I can't exclude you and your dad just because I can't see you, so you are still in my prayers. As always, I pray that you all will be protected; held safe, and well in the hollow of His hand. Then I pray that our actions will be those that are pleasing to Him, that we all will do things that are of good report, things that would be pleasing before Him.
This has been my prayer everyday for as long as I can remember and I have known God has heard me and for the most part, granted my request. Losing your dad and then you caused my faith to stumble for a while. "Why me?" I asked the darkness of my mind. But then I realized that if I had to ask why when times were dark, I would also need to ask why when times were bright and beautiful that had been most of my life. Why had I been so blessed to be born of good parents into a home of loving siblings. Why had I been blessed to fall in love with the love of my life, and have him love me for fifty years. Why had I been blessed to give birth to seven children that I would adore and cherish. Why would I be blessed with good friends who would love and support me throughout my life. The "whys" of life cannot only be asked when the storm clouds gather. They need to be asked when the sun is shining and the rainbow dips towards the earth, when a lazy breeze kisses your cheek on a hot summers day. When you hear a child's laughter, the bubbling of a stream, or the soft sound of quietness. So I will try to understand the "dark" whys while I embrace the good ones.
But even with my accepting, my darling boy, it doesn't mean my heart will not ache, that I will not be lonely, and missing. That is something I cannot seem to prevent. I look out my window here in Alaska and watch the steam rise from the exhausts. I see the snow piled on the buildings and the frost painted on the windowsills. For an instant I smell your cologne or the scent of your cigarettes. How I long to hear your steps come to the door, have it open and have you ask me if I have an extra cup of coffee. How I miss having you step in at dinner time and say "God, that smells good."
I've pretty much accomplished what I came back to Alaska to do. I've helped Vince and Christian get your death benefits set up for Christian. We changed phone service so it will be less expensive for them. We got Vince's income taxes filed and your retirement and insurances applied for. They have fuel enough to get them to spring. We filed for your Permanent Fund and for their's too. When you died, I could hear you say to me "Mom, would you help my boys get things straightened out?" and I told you, yes I would. And while I was helping them, it was like I was helping you still. Like so many times I did before, but like I will not be doing again. Your needing me is no more.
I look at the snow, at the exhaust floating in the air, at the frost painting the windows and I think "I can't do Alaska anymore. Not right now anyway. Losing you and your dad here makes me feel like my chest is in a vise. Like I can't breathe. I am so lonely even with everyone around. I know it will change. I know I will. I know it will take time.
I asked Vince if he would be okay and he told me he would. I told him if he needed anything to remember his Aunt Haley and Aunt Shannon were here for him and he said "I know that,Grandma. But Christian and I need to learn to take care of ourselves. We need to be self sufficient."
"Just promise me one thing, honey," I told him. "If you open your fridge and find no food, or if you turn on your heat and find none there, please remember you have people who will help you."
And he said "I know Grandma. I'll always have family."
So I'm going to freight your dad's welder and the boring tool back down to Utah. Mark needs them both.
Then I will say goodbye to Alaska for a while. Just until the memories can fade a little. I'm not needed here anymore in any great sense. Instead, I will go back to Utah where Mark can use my help with his books, where I can help Lola with Jeri, and where I can help Sheree get back on her feet again.
I will go back to the old memories. Memories where the pain has been muted by time. Where they bring more smiles than tears. And I will pretend. I will pretend that you are just three thousand miles away in Alaska.
Do you know how much this woman loves you? Do you have any idea how much you mean to me? I hope so honey. When you look back on your life...when you judge yourself...don't be too harsh. You have given so much joy.
I love you, babe.
Mom
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