Hi Honey:
It has happened. Just like overnight it came; that soft golden hue that only comes with autumn. How you loved this time of year. You use to say that everything was better: your food tasted better, your home felt better, your clothes felt better once the dog days of summer gave way to the golden hue of autumn.
The leaves are starting to change. I noticed the red upon the mountains a few days ago and soon quaken asps will shed their leaves of green for those of yellow. They were your favorite trees. You would always say you could find a deer or elk hiding in their cover. How you loved your hunts. Hunting was your passion. I remember telling my friend that if they took out licenses to hunt piss ants you would be the first in line.
I remember the second year we were married and you were getting ready to go hunting with some of the guys that worked for you. You asked me if I would see if I could find a coat for you; an orange one. The weather was so cold that year. We had a lot of snow as I set out in search of one that would keep my man warm. Now, I laugh at what I brought home to you. It was a very warm, very orange, very ugly, one-piece, orange cover-all. It would have kept my man warm, but it would also had made him look like a giant orange marshmallow. My heart was in the right place, just my hunting dress style was a bit off. Needless to say, I had to return it. Thank you for not making me feel then as silly as what I feel now.
Being raised with just my mom, hunting was something we didn't do. Until I married you, I had the Bambi Syndrome; thinking hunting as mean and cruel. But when I married you, you showed me a man that loved to hunt, that respected the animals that he brought down, that was thankful for the meat that was put on our table. I think in some past life, you were an American Indian; that was the type of love and respect you showed for the earth and the animals on it. I learned to like to cook what you brought home...except for that goose.
It was a beautiful bird as I prepared it with sage dressing. It was only after I put it in the oven and the aroma drifted through the house that I started to vomit, and vomit, and vomit. Of course, it wasn't really the bird itself that caused my distress. It was the fact that I was pregnant with our second baby and morning sickness hit me with a vengeance. I think the scent of roasting goose got into every fiber of our house. I could smell it in our couch cushions, in the drapes, everywhere. Of course, when a woman is pregnant, their sense of smell is so horrifically strong anyway. After the goose was cooked (that's funny) you didn't even like the taste of it. We had invited your dad over for dinner though and for a night of playing poker, and he loved it. We sent it home with him and I never roasted another one. There are two things, that after 47 years I still shudder about eating. One is goose and the other is Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
Remember our hunting trip out on the southwest desert the first year we were married. We were hunting antelope and you fixed dinner over an open fire; dinner that consisted of a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. I was pregnant with our first baby at that time and with one bite, I became so sick. When I think of it, I can still smell the smoked taste of that stew and feel my stomach start to rumble.
I miss those days honey. I miss the days after when I wouldn't go with you hunting, but would stay at home with our babies while you went. I enjoyed getting you ready to go. I would plan your meals and purchase the food, and stock the trailer and watch you don your orange and take off. While you were gone, I don't think I cooked a meal. The kids and I would hit all the fast food joints in town until the night you came back home again.
You were my life honey; you and our kids, and you still are. Love doesn't die, does it. It stays settled right in your heart. As I sit here on my bed in the middle of the night, the love I had for you for all those years is still nestled inside me. I'm learning to deal with my grief from losing you. It doesn't go away, I just learn to deal with it. It's boils and steams inside me until the pressure reaches the point that the tears come and I open my computer and write to you. Then it is held at bay for a while longer.
I miss you honey and I will love you,
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Daren's Letter - August 28, 2013
Hi Honey:
I just went for my walk. Were you with me as I listened to "Born Free" and "Dance with the Devil?" Did you see me kiss my fingers and press them against the air in front of me as I said "I love you babe."
I walked down by Bailey's Bend and the memories came flooding back. I remember pulling up there with your dad in the dump truck, and seeing you and Mark working there. I always fixed extra sandwiches when I made your dad's lunch, because I knew you would be so happy to get one of them. You would usually raid a Pepsi out of our cooler too.
You knew about the times I was disappointed when I knew you had been on drugs, but I don't think you really understood how tremendously happy you made me when I would know that you weren't. God how I love you honey. Oh how I miss you.
I was remembering tonight how the day after your dad died and I flew back to Alaska, how you were there at the airport waiting for me. You encircled me in your arms and just stood there holding me. Thank you honey for all your hugs. Thank you for loving me as your mom. Thank you for liking my sandwiches and my Spanish rice. It's so funny honey that now, at this time in my life, I am so happy I got to do those simple silly things. I had hard boiled some eggs one day and showed up on the job with them peeled and in a ziplock baggie with salt and pepper on them. You would have thought I'd fixed you pheasant under glass. You appreciated those eggs so much.
Remember how you teased me when I was backing out the snowy driveway at our Salcha house and then it was you that backed out and got stuck. You were so mad. I was laughing to myself.
In my mind right now, you are wearing worn levis, dusty work boots, and your orange tee shirt with the Mark Whiting Construction insignia on it. In my mind, you are still so handsome and so silly. A lot of times, Mark will be kidding around, and when I look at him, I see the same silly expressions you used to get.
Vinnie called the other day to get my checking account number so he could deposit money for his insurance. He called me later to tell me it was there and that he had deposited a little extra so I could buy something for myself. "Vinnie," I said. "You don't need to do that."
"Grandma," he replied. "Would you stop telling me what to do. Go buy yourself some diapers."
"You know, you sounded just like your dad," I said.
So I bought me a jacket that I had been needing and texted him to tell him what his money had gone for and to thank him again. He responded by texting "No problem, Granny. :) My dad kinda pounded it into my head to make sure you come first. So I try."
Honey, I don't expect anything from your boys...just their love. But thank you for caring about me that much.
I'll try to help them as much as I can without infringing on their "space". I love them both so much.
I had to write to you tonight honey. The pressure cooker I've told you about was building up steam, and writing you is the way I release the pain.
Wherever you are my beautiful son, know that someone here, sitting on her bed, loves you so very much and forever and ever my baby you'll be.
Love you Honey.
Mom
I just went for my walk. Were you with me as I listened to "Born Free" and "Dance with the Devil?" Did you see me kiss my fingers and press them against the air in front of me as I said "I love you babe."
I walked down by Bailey's Bend and the memories came flooding back. I remember pulling up there with your dad in the dump truck, and seeing you and Mark working there. I always fixed extra sandwiches when I made your dad's lunch, because I knew you would be so happy to get one of them. You would usually raid a Pepsi out of our cooler too.
You knew about the times I was disappointed when I knew you had been on drugs, but I don't think you really understood how tremendously happy you made me when I would know that you weren't. God how I love you honey. Oh how I miss you.
I was remembering tonight how the day after your dad died and I flew back to Alaska, how you were there at the airport waiting for me. You encircled me in your arms and just stood there holding me. Thank you honey for all your hugs. Thank you for loving me as your mom. Thank you for liking my sandwiches and my Spanish rice. It's so funny honey that now, at this time in my life, I am so happy I got to do those simple silly things. I had hard boiled some eggs one day and showed up on the job with them peeled and in a ziplock baggie with salt and pepper on them. You would have thought I'd fixed you pheasant under glass. You appreciated those eggs so much.
Remember how you teased me when I was backing out the snowy driveway at our Salcha house and then it was you that backed out and got stuck. You were so mad. I was laughing to myself.
In my mind right now, you are wearing worn levis, dusty work boots, and your orange tee shirt with the Mark Whiting Construction insignia on it. In my mind, you are still so handsome and so silly. A lot of times, Mark will be kidding around, and when I look at him, I see the same silly expressions you used to get.
Vinnie called the other day to get my checking account number so he could deposit money for his insurance. He called me later to tell me it was there and that he had deposited a little extra so I could buy something for myself. "Vinnie," I said. "You don't need to do that."
"Grandma," he replied. "Would you stop telling me what to do. Go buy yourself some diapers."
"You know, you sounded just like your dad," I said.
So I bought me a jacket that I had been needing and texted him to tell him what his money had gone for and to thank him again. He responded by texting "No problem, Granny. :) My dad kinda pounded it into my head to make sure you come first. So I try."
Honey, I don't expect anything from your boys...just their love. But thank you for caring about me that much.
I'll try to help them as much as I can without infringing on their "space". I love them both so much.
I had to write to you tonight honey. The pressure cooker I've told you about was building up steam, and writing you is the way I release the pain.
Wherever you are my beautiful son, know that someone here, sitting on her bed, loves you so very much and forever and ever my baby you'll be.
Love you Honey.
Mom
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Wonderful, Scary Camping Trip
Once upon a time there were 12 little boys. These little boys were very lucky indeed because they were all cousins. There were the four year olds, Jessie and Austin; the three year olds, Cody, Beau, Vince, Trenton and Slaytor, the two year old Tucker, the one year olds Christian, Jackson, and McKade and then a none year old Tanner.
One day as they were playing at Grandpa and Grandma Whiting's house they had a wonderful idea. They were going to have a camp-out!!!
"I know," said Trenton. Let's have it at my house. We have a big back yard and my daddy and mama won't care.
"Yeah!" said Slaytor. "That will be fun!"
"Cody and Beau and I all have our very own sleeping bags," said Jessie, "and I can bring the new blanket off my mom's bed if someone else needs some covers."
"I can borrow my dad's sleeping bag," said Austin. "It has blood on it from a bear my dad shot."
"Cool," said Slaytor with his eyes opened wide, "Where did he shoot it?"
"In his head," answered Austin proudly.
"I have my very own sleeping bag," Vince said. "Grandpa and Grandma gave it to me for my birthday. It has a Harvey David motorcycle on it,"
"Cool," Slaytor said excitedly. "What's a Harvey David Motorcycle?"
"I don't know," Vince answered. "He's somebody that my mom and dad likes."
The rest of the little boys just stood and listened. They didn't talk very much.
The next Saturday afternoon, Trenton was playing in his back yard with his little brother Jackson when everyone started coming.
Jessie and Cody and Beau arrived with three sleeping bags and the brand new quilt from their mom's bed. Jessie was wearing a large silver pan on his head. Cody and Beau carried large sticks.
Right behind them was Slaytor. He had his Ninja turtle sleeping bag under one arm and under the other he had a little cushion to his mom's new couch. In his teeth he carried a plastic bucket.
Following Slaytor was Vince and Christian. Vince had his Harvey David Motorcycle sleeping bag and a Barney sleeping bag for Christian. Christian was holding a little flashlight and a handful of string.
Austin and Tucker came next. Austin carried a very large sleeping bag that had the stains from the bear smack dab on it. Tucker carried his jacket and a candle and a smile from ear to ear.
McKade was the next to come. He was carrying his trusty bottle and a blanket, and one shoe that had fallen off.
"Hi Guys!" Trenton yelled as he ran to meet them. "You really did come."
"Trenton?" his mother called from the doorway. "What is going on?"
"We're having a camp-out at our house," Trenton called back excitedly.
"Did daddy say it was okay?" his mother questioned.
"Nope. Daddy doesn't know yet," Trenton replied. "Isn't he going to be excited?"
"Oh, I'm sure he will," his mother answered.
The boys busied themselves making their incredible camping spot. They decided that the very best place to sleep was underneath the trampoline. Trenton pulled off the blankets from his bed and with the brand new quilt Jessie had brought they laid them over the trampoline until they touched the ground all the way around. They didn't have anything to hold the blankets on top of the trampoline, so they all took off their shoes and laid them on the blankets to hold them in place.
It was getting dark, so they all climbed inside their huge tent and laid their sleeping bags and blankets out. It was getting darker and darker. Pretty soon it was so dark that they couldn't see each other.
"It's awfully dark in here," Vince said.
"Yeah," answered Austin. "I've got a good idea. Tucker has a candle."
"That's not a good idea," said Jessie. "We aren't allowed to use matches so we can't burn it."
"Oh yeah," replied Austin.
"Christian has a flashlight," Vince said excitedly.
"Good. Where is it?" asked Jessie.
"I don't know," Vince said. "I can't see."
"Let's all feel around," said Slaytor. "I bet we can find it if we just feel around for it."
All the little boys got down on their hands and knees and started feeling around for the flashlight.
"Ouch!" Slaytor screamed. "Somebody just stepped on my fingers."
There was a loud "thud" as Cody and Beau bashed into each other's heads.
"Cody! Watch out where I'm going!" yelled Beau.
"You need to watch out where I'm going," yelled back Cody.
"You guys," Jessie piped in. "How can you watch where you're going when you can't see? Just look for the flashlight."
"I found it!" yelled Trenton. Just then McKade began to cry.
"No you didn't," Austin said. "That's McKade's bottle. Give it back to him so he won't cry."
"Sorry 'Kade," Trenton said as he handed the bottle back to McKade who happily put it in his mouth and stopped crying.
"Here it is," Vince said as he turned on the little flashlight that made just the tiniest little glow.
"That doesn't make a very big light. Does it?" Slaytor said looking a little bewildered.
"Everybody just get in your bed," Jessie said, now being in authority.
All the boys snuggled down in their beds as Vince turned out the little flashlight.
"Did you hear that?" whispered Trenton.
"What?" whispered Vince.
"Sh-h-h," Jessie said.
"I think it's a bear," Austin replied.
They could hear something moving around in the dark night.
"Let's go kill it," Slaytor said standing up and picking up one of the twin's sticks. "Come on Jessie. We'll follow you. You go first."
"Why do I have to go first?" answered Jessie.
"Cause you're the oldest," Vince said.
"Oh. All right then." Jessie picked up his silver pan and placed it on his head and then picked up the other stick of the twin's. "Let's go kill it."
"Here," said Vince handing them the string that Christian had brought. "If you can't kill it, we can tie it up."
"Here," said Trenton, picking up the pillow that Slaytor had brought. "If he opens his mouth to eat us, we can shove this pillow in it."
"Good idea," Vince said. "You're smart."
"Thanks," smiled Trenton. Then we can fill Slaytor's bucket with water and drown him."
"They pushed back one of the blankets and sneaked out into the dark night each one holding on tight to the other.
"Ruff, ruff, ruff," Came a sound as a creature brushed up against their legs. "Ruff, ruff, ruff."
"Run," screamed Jessie.
"Run!" yelled Slaytor.
"Run!" cried Austin.
"Run fast!" Yelled Trenton.
And run they did. They ran so fast. Trenton threw open the sliding glass doors that led into his front room. In ran Jessie. In ran Slaytor. In ran Austin. In ran Trenton.
Early the next morning, Trenton's mama walked into the front room to find the four boys laying on the couch, laying on the floor and laying in the reclining chair.
"What are you guys doing in here?" she asked. "I thought you were sleeping out in your incredible camp."
"We had to come in," Trenton replied sleepily.
"Yeah," Slaytor said with a big yawn. We had to come in."
"Yep," Austin said stretching out his arms. "We had to come in."
"Why did you have to come in?" Trenton's mother asked puzzled.
"Cause the little boys were all scared," Jessie said as he turned over and faced the couch and fell back to sleep.
Trenton's mother walked out to the wonderful, scary camp and peeked inside. There lay Cody and Beau, Jackson, McKade, Tucker and Christian' all sound asleep. Trenton's dog Drake was sleeping nearby.
It had been a wonderful scary camping trip.
One day as they were playing at Grandpa and Grandma Whiting's house they had a wonderful idea. They were going to have a camp-out!!!
"I know," said Trenton. Let's have it at my house. We have a big back yard and my daddy and mama won't care.
"Yeah!" said Slaytor. "That will be fun!"
"Cody and Beau and I all have our very own sleeping bags," said Jessie, "and I can bring the new blanket off my mom's bed if someone else needs some covers."
"I can borrow my dad's sleeping bag," said Austin. "It has blood on it from a bear my dad shot."
"Cool," said Slaytor with his eyes opened wide, "Where did he shoot it?"
"In his head," answered Austin proudly.
"I have my very own sleeping bag," Vince said. "Grandpa and Grandma gave it to me for my birthday. It has a Harvey David motorcycle on it,"
"Cool," Slaytor said excitedly. "What's a Harvey David Motorcycle?"
"I don't know," Vince answered. "He's somebody that my mom and dad likes."
The rest of the little boys just stood and listened. They didn't talk very much.
The next Saturday afternoon, Trenton was playing in his back yard with his little brother Jackson when everyone started coming.
Jessie and Cody and Beau arrived with three sleeping bags and the brand new quilt from their mom's bed. Jessie was wearing a large silver pan on his head. Cody and Beau carried large sticks.
Right behind them was Slaytor. He had his Ninja turtle sleeping bag under one arm and under the other he had a little cushion to his mom's new couch. In his teeth he carried a plastic bucket.
Following Slaytor was Vince and Christian. Vince had his Harvey David Motorcycle sleeping bag and a Barney sleeping bag for Christian. Christian was holding a little flashlight and a handful of string.
Austin and Tucker came next. Austin carried a very large sleeping bag that had the stains from the bear smack dab on it. Tucker carried his jacket and a candle and a smile from ear to ear.
McKade was the next to come. He was carrying his trusty bottle and a blanket, and one shoe that had fallen off.
"Hi Guys!" Trenton yelled as he ran to meet them. "You really did come."
"Trenton?" his mother called from the doorway. "What is going on?"
"We're having a camp-out at our house," Trenton called back excitedly.
"Did daddy say it was okay?" his mother questioned.
"Nope. Daddy doesn't know yet," Trenton replied. "Isn't he going to be excited?"
"Oh, I'm sure he will," his mother answered.
The boys busied themselves making their incredible camping spot. They decided that the very best place to sleep was underneath the trampoline. Trenton pulled off the blankets from his bed and with the brand new quilt Jessie had brought they laid them over the trampoline until they touched the ground all the way around. They didn't have anything to hold the blankets on top of the trampoline, so they all took off their shoes and laid them on the blankets to hold them in place.
It was getting dark, so they all climbed inside their huge tent and laid their sleeping bags and blankets out. It was getting darker and darker. Pretty soon it was so dark that they couldn't see each other.
"It's awfully dark in here," Vince said.
"Yeah," answered Austin. "I've got a good idea. Tucker has a candle."
"That's not a good idea," said Jessie. "We aren't allowed to use matches so we can't burn it."
"Oh yeah," replied Austin.
"Christian has a flashlight," Vince said excitedly.
"Good. Where is it?" asked Jessie.
"I don't know," Vince said. "I can't see."
"Let's all feel around," said Slaytor. "I bet we can find it if we just feel around for it."
All the little boys got down on their hands and knees and started feeling around for the flashlight.
"Ouch!" Slaytor screamed. "Somebody just stepped on my fingers."
There was a loud "thud" as Cody and Beau bashed into each other's heads.
"Cody! Watch out where I'm going!" yelled Beau.
"You need to watch out where I'm going," yelled back Cody.
"You guys," Jessie piped in. "How can you watch where you're going when you can't see? Just look for the flashlight."
"I found it!" yelled Trenton. Just then McKade began to cry.
"No you didn't," Austin said. "That's McKade's bottle. Give it back to him so he won't cry."
"Sorry 'Kade," Trenton said as he handed the bottle back to McKade who happily put it in his mouth and stopped crying.
"Here it is," Vince said as he turned on the little flashlight that made just the tiniest little glow.
"That doesn't make a very big light. Does it?" Slaytor said looking a little bewildered.
"Everybody just get in your bed," Jessie said, now being in authority.
All the boys snuggled down in their beds as Vince turned out the little flashlight.
"Did you hear that?" whispered Trenton.
"What?" whispered Vince.
"Sh-h-h," Jessie said.
"I think it's a bear," Austin replied.
They could hear something moving around in the dark night.
"Let's go kill it," Slaytor said standing up and picking up one of the twin's sticks. "Come on Jessie. We'll follow you. You go first."
"Why do I have to go first?" answered Jessie.
"Cause you're the oldest," Vince said.
"Oh. All right then." Jessie picked up his silver pan and placed it on his head and then picked up the other stick of the twin's. "Let's go kill it."
"Here," said Vince handing them the string that Christian had brought. "If you can't kill it, we can tie it up."
"Here," said Trenton, picking up the pillow that Slaytor had brought. "If he opens his mouth to eat us, we can shove this pillow in it."
"Good idea," Vince said. "You're smart."
"Thanks," smiled Trenton. Then we can fill Slaytor's bucket with water and drown him."
"They pushed back one of the blankets and sneaked out into the dark night each one holding on tight to the other.
"Ruff, ruff, ruff," Came a sound as a creature brushed up against their legs. "Ruff, ruff, ruff."
"Run," screamed Jessie.
"Run!" yelled Slaytor.
"Run!" cried Austin.
"Run fast!" Yelled Trenton.
And run they did. They ran so fast. Trenton threw open the sliding glass doors that led into his front room. In ran Jessie. In ran Slaytor. In ran Austin. In ran Trenton.
Early the next morning, Trenton's mama walked into the front room to find the four boys laying on the couch, laying on the floor and laying in the reclining chair.
"What are you guys doing in here?" she asked. "I thought you were sleeping out in your incredible camp."
"We had to come in," Trenton replied sleepily.
"Yeah," Slaytor said with a big yawn. We had to come in."
"Yep," Austin said stretching out his arms. "We had to come in."
"Why did you have to come in?" Trenton's mother asked puzzled.
"Cause the little boys were all scared," Jessie said as he turned over and faced the couch and fell back to sleep.
Trenton's mother walked out to the wonderful, scary camp and peeked inside. There lay Cody and Beau, Jackson, McKade, Tucker and Christian' all sound asleep. Trenton's dog Drake was sleeping nearby.
It had been a wonderful scary camping trip.
Thursday, July 25, 2013
Daren's Letter- July 25, 2013
Hi Honey:
It's one of those "if only" days. Our last conversation just keeps rolling around in my head. You sounded so sad. I should have stayed on the phone with you longer. I should have helped talk you through what you were feeling. That's what I usually did. But not that day. Not January 19, 2013. I heard the pain in your voice. I told you to just come home. You were suppose to be here in a week. "Come home and go on your cruise with Rainee. Your family is looking so forward to seeing you.' But then I had to include "Just come down and stay with your family. Don't go around your friends that you've done drugs with." I meant good honey. I just wanted you to come down and be my son and their brother. I just wanted you to enjoy being with us and not need your drugs. Oh God honey how I wish I would have stayed on the phone longer with you. How I wish we would have talked and talked and talked until we ran out of words. How I wish I would have said all the right things to you. But I didn't babe. I chalked it up to the times before when you would start to come off your last dose of pills and then feel depressed because you had taken them. It was more than that this time though wasn't it honey.
I know you didn't intentionally overdose. I know it was an accident. How do I know this? Because you never would have wanted to leave your sons. You loved them too much to do something so intentional that their pain might never go away. Your autopsy report states it was accidental. I know that. I think perhaps you didn't take anymore pills than you had taken before, but I think this time your body was just too weak to accept them. Your body was just too tired, too worn.
But maybe if I had talked to you more that night, you might not have taken that last dose that night. I know my darling boy. I know that it was inevitable that the day would come when you would take them and when your body would just say it was enough, too much. But just one more day. If I just had one more day with you. How we take for granted a single day in our lives. How we let one day go without appreciating all that is wrapped up in it. Yes my boy, maybe the day was inevitable that you would take those pills but maybe it might not have been that day. Maybe I would be sitting here this day and know you were in Alaska with your orange vest, your hard hat, and your work boots on. One day. How much is one day worth? More than words can say. For I would gladly sacrifice one of my own to have you hear with me right now.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I need to stop this though. I need to wipe the tears off my face, blow my nose and pull myself together. Sitting here and wanting something I will never have again is useless.
I don't know how things work there where you are at. But I don't want you to feel bad for me. I don't want anything I feel to interrupt whatever it is you should be doing or feeling where you are at.
Just know that I love you with all my heart. Someday I will feel your arms hug me the way you use to do. I'll smell the scent of your cologne. And whose to say? I might even smell your cigarettes...Marlboro reds in a hard box.
Go have a cup of coffee with that dad of yours. Tell him I've written you and tell him I said to tell him I love him and miss him.
"I'll love you forever. I'll love you for always. Forever and ever my baby you'll be."
Mom.
It's one of those "if only" days. Our last conversation just keeps rolling around in my head. You sounded so sad. I should have stayed on the phone with you longer. I should have helped talk you through what you were feeling. That's what I usually did. But not that day. Not January 19, 2013. I heard the pain in your voice. I told you to just come home. You were suppose to be here in a week. "Come home and go on your cruise with Rainee. Your family is looking so forward to seeing you.' But then I had to include "Just come down and stay with your family. Don't go around your friends that you've done drugs with." I meant good honey. I just wanted you to come down and be my son and their brother. I just wanted you to enjoy being with us and not need your drugs. Oh God honey how I wish I would have stayed on the phone longer with you. How I wish we would have talked and talked and talked until we ran out of words. How I wish I would have said all the right things to you. But I didn't babe. I chalked it up to the times before when you would start to come off your last dose of pills and then feel depressed because you had taken them. It was more than that this time though wasn't it honey.
I know you didn't intentionally overdose. I know it was an accident. How do I know this? Because you never would have wanted to leave your sons. You loved them too much to do something so intentional that their pain might never go away. Your autopsy report states it was accidental. I know that. I think perhaps you didn't take anymore pills than you had taken before, but I think this time your body was just too weak to accept them. Your body was just too tired, too worn.
But maybe if I had talked to you more that night, you might not have taken that last dose that night. I know my darling boy. I know that it was inevitable that the day would come when you would take them and when your body would just say it was enough, too much. But just one more day. If I just had one more day with you. How we take for granted a single day in our lives. How we let one day go without appreciating all that is wrapped up in it. Yes my boy, maybe the day was inevitable that you would take those pills but maybe it might not have been that day. Maybe I would be sitting here this day and know you were in Alaska with your orange vest, your hard hat, and your work boots on. One day. How much is one day worth? More than words can say. For I would gladly sacrifice one of my own to have you hear with me right now.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I need to stop this though. I need to wipe the tears off my face, blow my nose and pull myself together. Sitting here and wanting something I will never have again is useless.
I don't know how things work there where you are at. But I don't want you to feel bad for me. I don't want anything I feel to interrupt whatever it is you should be doing or feeling where you are at.
Just know that I love you with all my heart. Someday I will feel your arms hug me the way you use to do. I'll smell the scent of your cologne. And whose to say? I might even smell your cigarettes...Marlboro reds in a hard box.
Go have a cup of coffee with that dad of yours. Tell him I've written you and tell him I said to tell him I love him and miss him.
"I'll love you forever. I'll love you for always. Forever and ever my baby you'll be."
Mom.
Thursday, July 4, 2013
Daren's Letter - July 4, 2013
Hi Honey:
You know every time you read one of my letters, it's because I'm having a rough day and need to talk to you. I talked to your picture sitting on my dresser and told you that I love you but it wasn't enough. So here I am writing you.
Remember when you and your siblings were young, I would write you my letters that you and your brother and sisters would later name "dreaded letters." Dreaded because that would be my way of telling you I didn't approve of something you were doing. I figured if I wrote you a letter, I wouldn't have to listen to excuses or rebuttals. It worked then, but right now, this very minute, what I wouldn't give to hear one of your excuses or one of your rebuttals. Oh God honey how I'm missing you. This is my first 4th of July without you, and my first of not spending it with Vince and Christian.
I called them, just to hear their voices. They said they were planning on having a bar-b-gue there at the house, by themselves. They were alone and it broke my heart because I know they were thinking of you too. Their first without you.
Remember our 4th of Julys when you were young? We would always have a bar-b-que and then watch the fireworks. I remember you and Mark climbing up on top of the house to get a better view. We would set our own off in the street in front of our house and our little dog Poopsie loved them. You guys would light them and as they were twirling around on the street, she would grab them in her mouth and take off with them. By end of the night, she had seared whiskers, but she had fun searing them. Then, it seemed like those times would last forever, but they didn't. Did they Sweetheart?
Oh so fast, you all grew into adults with families of your own. At our Payson house, we would still have our bar-b-ques and the head count went from nine to thirty-nine. God how I loved every minute of those times. I wish I had bottled them and sit them on a shelf so today as I sit here on my bed writing this letter to you, I could open the bottle and enjoy them once again. "If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry," your Grandma Sophia used to say. Or as your dad your dad would say "Wish in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up fastest." He had such a way with words. Tell him I am missing him today.
Two of my three men have slipped out of my life now. Mark is left holding me together. I don't think it has dawned on him that he is now the Patriarch of the family. I'll have to remind him of that one day when I feel like being mean to him. He misses you and your dad so much. You guys shared a lot of things together; more than most dad and brothers do. Not only were you family, but you were colleagues. It wasn't easy working together. Was it honey. I know back in the days, Mark wouldn't have thought the day would come when he would be missing having his dad and brother around to talk work-talk. But he does. I know because he tells me so quite often. If we all knew then what we know now.
Well my darling son, now that I've written you this letter, I feel better. I know it may sound stupid to some that when I write these letters, I feel they go out into the universe and that you can grab them and read them. How I wish you could write a letter there and send it out into the universe so I could grasp it and read it. I wouldn't even care if it were a "dreaded letter" of yours telling me what I was doing wrong and that you were disappointed in me. I would just like to pick it up, and know that you touched the paper and pen that wrote it.
I love you honey. I know that if I didn't believe there would be a time and place that I will be with you and your dad again, I would go crazy. It would be so unbearable to me. So I will hold that thought close to my heart and believe that one day, I will feel your arms around me in one of your bear hugs and say "Hi Mom." Until that day, please keep trying to place a message in my mind. Please keep trying to break down the wall that I have built that keeps me from feeling your presence.
"I'll love you for always. I'll love you forever. Forever and ever my baby you'll be."
Happy 4th of July Honey.
Mom.
You know every time you read one of my letters, it's because I'm having a rough day and need to talk to you. I talked to your picture sitting on my dresser and told you that I love you but it wasn't enough. So here I am writing you.
Remember when you and your siblings were young, I would write you my letters that you and your brother and sisters would later name "dreaded letters." Dreaded because that would be my way of telling you I didn't approve of something you were doing. I figured if I wrote you a letter, I wouldn't have to listen to excuses or rebuttals. It worked then, but right now, this very minute, what I wouldn't give to hear one of your excuses or one of your rebuttals. Oh God honey how I'm missing you. This is my first 4th of July without you, and my first of not spending it with Vince and Christian.
I called them, just to hear their voices. They said they were planning on having a bar-b-gue there at the house, by themselves. They were alone and it broke my heart because I know they were thinking of you too. Their first without you.
Remember our 4th of Julys when you were young? We would always have a bar-b-que and then watch the fireworks. I remember you and Mark climbing up on top of the house to get a better view. We would set our own off in the street in front of our house and our little dog Poopsie loved them. You guys would light them and as they were twirling around on the street, she would grab them in her mouth and take off with them. By end of the night, she had seared whiskers, but she had fun searing them. Then, it seemed like those times would last forever, but they didn't. Did they Sweetheart?
Oh so fast, you all grew into adults with families of your own. At our Payson house, we would still have our bar-b-ques and the head count went from nine to thirty-nine. God how I loved every minute of those times. I wish I had bottled them and sit them on a shelf so today as I sit here on my bed writing this letter to you, I could open the bottle and enjoy them once again. "If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry," your Grandma Sophia used to say. Or as your dad your dad would say "Wish in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up fastest." He had such a way with words. Tell him I am missing him today.
Two of my three men have slipped out of my life now. Mark is left holding me together. I don't think it has dawned on him that he is now the Patriarch of the family. I'll have to remind him of that one day when I feel like being mean to him. He misses you and your dad so much. You guys shared a lot of things together; more than most dad and brothers do. Not only were you family, but you were colleagues. It wasn't easy working together. Was it honey. I know back in the days, Mark wouldn't have thought the day would come when he would be missing having his dad and brother around to talk work-talk. But he does. I know because he tells me so quite often. If we all knew then what we know now.
Well my darling son, now that I've written you this letter, I feel better. I know it may sound stupid to some that when I write these letters, I feel they go out into the universe and that you can grab them and read them. How I wish you could write a letter there and send it out into the universe so I could grasp it and read it. I wouldn't even care if it were a "dreaded letter" of yours telling me what I was doing wrong and that you were disappointed in me. I would just like to pick it up, and know that you touched the paper and pen that wrote it.
I love you honey. I know that if I didn't believe there would be a time and place that I will be with you and your dad again, I would go crazy. It would be so unbearable to me. So I will hold that thought close to my heart and believe that one day, I will feel your arms around me in one of your bear hugs and say "Hi Mom." Until that day, please keep trying to place a message in my mind. Please keep trying to break down the wall that I have built that keeps me from feeling your presence.
"I'll love you for always. I'll love you forever. Forever and ever my baby you'll be."
Happy 4th of July Honey.
Mom.
Sunday, June 23, 2013
A Letter to Danny - June 23, 2013
Hi Honey:
It has crept upon me again. Just when I think I have myself under control, the pain hits and the only thing that makes it feel better is to write to you.
Night before last, just as I was between the non sleep and sleep stage, I heard your voice. You said one word "Susie". I opened my eyes quickly and said "I hear you honey." That was all there was.
For so many years honey, we were so blessed with not having accidents or illness fall upon our family. Of course, we struggled with Daren's addiction and with the emotional illness that affects our family, but still, I knew my prayers each day were answered that God keep you and our children safe from illness, harm or accident. But then I got the telephone call telling me I had lost you, and then fourteen months later got another telling me I had lost Daren. It's as though the magic bubble that had surrounded us had shattered and the pain I had prayed so hard to evade, had found its way in. And now Honey, as I've been forced to face the reality, I'm afraid. I don't know if I can handle another telephone call and yet, I'm afraid someday I will.
I tell myself don't think about that Susie. Don't ask for problems. So I keep a book with me wherever I'm at and when the fear comes, I pick up a book and read to keep my mind off it. Do you know how many books I have read since I lost you? A whole bunch.
I will continue my prayers for God to watch out over you, our children and our grandchildren. That we all will be safe from harm or accident or illness and that we will all strive to do those things that would be pleasing to God. Now though Honey, I will also pray that God will bless me that I will have peace that everything will be as its should be and that I will know that. I know I have my band of angels around me Honey, but if you can, would you send yours to me also. I can't wake up and be afraid each day.
I miss you so much and I miss our boy so much too. Tell him to listen to me. Will you? I want him to hear me tell him I love him. I want him to see that as I drive along listening to Kid Rock sing "Born Free" I send him a kiss to let him know that I understand and that I love him beyond words.
Would you tell my mom hello for me? Would you tell her to send me some of her strength? It's funny Honey, but when I think of her, I still feel like her little girl. Here I am a sixty seven year old woman, but when I think of my mom, I'm just her baby again.
Well my love, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read until I fall asleep. When you get a minute, come sit on my bed by me and if by chance you see a time when my brain is quiet for a minute, talk to me again.
Good Night Honey. Tell Daren his mom misses him so much.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
It has crept upon me again. Just when I think I have myself under control, the pain hits and the only thing that makes it feel better is to write to you.
Night before last, just as I was between the non sleep and sleep stage, I heard your voice. You said one word "Susie". I opened my eyes quickly and said "I hear you honey." That was all there was.
For so many years honey, we were so blessed with not having accidents or illness fall upon our family. Of course, we struggled with Daren's addiction and with the emotional illness that affects our family, but still, I knew my prayers each day were answered that God keep you and our children safe from illness, harm or accident. But then I got the telephone call telling me I had lost you, and then fourteen months later got another telling me I had lost Daren. It's as though the magic bubble that had surrounded us had shattered and the pain I had prayed so hard to evade, had found its way in. And now Honey, as I've been forced to face the reality, I'm afraid. I don't know if I can handle another telephone call and yet, I'm afraid someday I will.
I tell myself don't think about that Susie. Don't ask for problems. So I keep a book with me wherever I'm at and when the fear comes, I pick up a book and read to keep my mind off it. Do you know how many books I have read since I lost you? A whole bunch.
I will continue my prayers for God to watch out over you, our children and our grandchildren. That we all will be safe from harm or accident or illness and that we will all strive to do those things that would be pleasing to God. Now though Honey, I will also pray that God will bless me that I will have peace that everything will be as its should be and that I will know that. I know I have my band of angels around me Honey, but if you can, would you send yours to me also. I can't wake up and be afraid each day.
I miss you so much and I miss our boy so much too. Tell him to listen to me. Will you? I want him to hear me tell him I love him. I want him to see that as I drive along listening to Kid Rock sing "Born Free" I send him a kiss to let him know that I understand and that I love him beyond words.
Would you tell my mom hello for me? Would you tell her to send me some of her strength? It's funny Honey, but when I think of her, I still feel like her little girl. Here I am a sixty seven year old woman, but when I think of my mom, I'm just her baby again.
Well my love, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read until I fall asleep. When you get a minute, come sit on my bed by me and if by chance you see a time when my brain is quiet for a minute, talk to me again.
Good Night Honey. Tell Daren his mom misses him so much.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Daren's Letter - June 9, 2013
And so my son, some days are better than others. Some are worse. I don't know why that is. I've tried to sort it out in my mind and have yet to reach a conclusion. When the pain comes; when I feel as though the knife has reached my heart and turned, I wonder why. What was I thinking. What was I smelling. What was I hearing that changed how I felt so quickly.
Yesterday I was busy. "Get up and get busy," your dad would say. "It will make you feel better." And I had been busy for the better part of the day, but then it crept in; the pain of missing you. So I downloaded songs by Kid Rock and Lynard Skynyrd, burned them onto a CD, called Frodo to come with me and you and I went for a ride. Did you notice the kiss I sent into the air when I played Kid Rock singing "Born Free." Did you attempt to wipe the tears I couldn't hold back?
I talked to you. I told you how much I love you. I told you that this thing called life is full of lessons, some of which we all will pass and some we will fail and need to take the class over again. Did you hear me tell you that you passed so many of your classes.
Did you hear me say "I hope so," when I played Lynard Skynyrd's "Simple Man." I had heard you said that song reminded you of me. It tells of a mother that tries to teach her son what is really important in this life. You learned much from someone honey. You learned to be kind, compassionate, giving and loving. I hope I played a part in those parts that made you, you.
I tried to call Vince and Christian. I just needed to hear their voices. But they weren't by their phones. I left them messages. I told them how much I loved them, that I missed them, and I was proud of them.
I don't understand this thing called grief. I keep telling myself over and over that I am not the first nor will I be the last to lose someone I love so dearly. And I know that Honey, but it doesn't matter. After I've lectured myself and scolded myself using the part of my brain that is logical, the part of my heart that hurts says "But that knowledge doesn't make it any better."
So I sit on my bed and write this letter to you because when I do, I feel my words are going out into the universe and into your ears, into your heart. When I write, I think you receive my letters. It is no longer just words or thoughts whispered into the air. It is words and thoughts written down, tangible, real. As real as my love for you.
So honey, I have my CD in my car. It's labeled Susie's Songs, but it's not really mine. They are your songs. Songs that meant something to you. Songs that you related to. And because they are a part of you, they will be a part of me.
I love you honey. I do find comfort in knowing you are at peace now. I know you no longer feel the pain your earthbound body was forced to endure. If I close my eyes and listen close, I can almost hear your laughter echoing heaven. I'll keep trying to hear it honey, because if I hear you laugh, then I will find some sense of joy in all that I do not understand.
Good night honey.
Sweet Peace my Boy.
Mom
Yesterday I was busy. "Get up and get busy," your dad would say. "It will make you feel better." And I had been busy for the better part of the day, but then it crept in; the pain of missing you. So I downloaded songs by Kid Rock and Lynard Skynyrd, burned them onto a CD, called Frodo to come with me and you and I went for a ride. Did you notice the kiss I sent into the air when I played Kid Rock singing "Born Free." Did you attempt to wipe the tears I couldn't hold back?
I talked to you. I told you how much I love you. I told you that this thing called life is full of lessons, some of which we all will pass and some we will fail and need to take the class over again. Did you hear me tell you that you passed so many of your classes.
Did you hear me say "I hope so," when I played Lynard Skynyrd's "Simple Man." I had heard you said that song reminded you of me. It tells of a mother that tries to teach her son what is really important in this life. You learned much from someone honey. You learned to be kind, compassionate, giving and loving. I hope I played a part in those parts that made you, you.
I tried to call Vince and Christian. I just needed to hear their voices. But they weren't by their phones. I left them messages. I told them how much I loved them, that I missed them, and I was proud of them.
I don't understand this thing called grief. I keep telling myself over and over that I am not the first nor will I be the last to lose someone I love so dearly. And I know that Honey, but it doesn't matter. After I've lectured myself and scolded myself using the part of my brain that is logical, the part of my heart that hurts says "But that knowledge doesn't make it any better."
So I sit on my bed and write this letter to you because when I do, I feel my words are going out into the universe and into your ears, into your heart. When I write, I think you receive my letters. It is no longer just words or thoughts whispered into the air. It is words and thoughts written down, tangible, real. As real as my love for you.
So honey, I have my CD in my car. It's labeled Susie's Songs, but it's not really mine. They are your songs. Songs that meant something to you. Songs that you related to. And because they are a part of you, they will be a part of me.
I love you honey. I do find comfort in knowing you are at peace now. I know you no longer feel the pain your earthbound body was forced to endure. If I close my eyes and listen close, I can almost hear your laughter echoing heaven. I'll keep trying to hear it honey, because if I hear you laugh, then I will find some sense of joy in all that I do not understand.
Good night honey.
Sweet Peace my Boy.
Mom
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