It's one of those "if only" days. Our last conversation just keeps rolling around in my head. You sounded so sad. I should have stayed on the phone with you longer. I should have helped talk you through what you were feeling. That's what I usually did. But not that day. Not January 19, 2013. I heard the pain in your voice. I told you to just come home. You were suppose to be here in a week. "Come home and go on your cruise with Rainee. Your family is looking so forward to seeing you.' But then I had to include "Just come down and stay with your family. Don't go around your friends that you've done drugs with." I meant good honey. I just wanted you to come down and be my son and their brother. I just wanted you to enjoy being with us and not need your drugs. Oh God honey how I wish I would have stayed on the phone longer with you. How I wish we would have talked and talked and talked until we ran out of words. How I wish I would have said all the right things to you. But I didn't babe. I chalked it up to the times before when you would start to come off your last dose of pills and then feel depressed because you had taken them. It was more than that this time though wasn't it honey.
I know you didn't intentionally overdose. I know it was an accident. How do I know this? Because you never would have wanted to leave your sons. You loved them too much to do something so intentional that their pain might never go away. Your autopsy report states it was accidental. I know that. I think perhaps you didn't take anymore pills than you had taken before, but I think this time your body was just too weak to accept them. Your body was just too tired, too worn.
But maybe if I had talked to you more that night, you might not have taken that last dose that night. I know my darling boy. I know that it was inevitable that the day would come when you would take them and when your body would just say it was enough, too much. But just one more day. If I just had one more day with you. How we take for granted a single day in our lives. How we let one day go without appreciating all that is wrapped up in it. Yes my boy, maybe the day was inevitable that you would take those pills but maybe it might not have been that day. Maybe I would be sitting here this day and know you were in Alaska with your orange vest, your hard hat, and your work boots on. One day. How much is one day worth? More than words can say. For I would gladly sacrifice one of my own to have you hear with me right now.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I need to stop this though. I need to wipe the tears off my face, blow my nose and pull myself together. Sitting here and wanting something I will never have again is useless.
I don't know how things work there where you are at. But I don't want you to feel bad for me. I don't want anything I feel to interrupt whatever it is you should be doing or feeling where you are at.
Just know that I love you with all my heart. Someday I will feel your arms hug me the way you use to do. I'll smell the scent of your cologne. And whose to say? I might even smell your cigarettes...Marlboro reds in a hard box.
Go have a cup of coffee with that dad of yours. Tell him I've written you and tell him I said to tell him I love him and miss him.
"I'll love you forever. I'll love you for always. Forever and ever my baby you'll be."