You know every time you read one of my letters, it's because I'm having a rough day and need to talk to you. I talked to your picture sitting on my dresser and told you that I love you but it wasn't enough. So here I am writing you.
Remember when you and your siblings were young, I would write you my letters that you and your brother and sisters would later name "dreaded letters." Dreaded because that would be my way of telling you I didn't approve of something you were doing. I figured if I wrote you a letter, I wouldn't have to listen to excuses or rebuttals. It worked then, but right now, this very minute, what I wouldn't give to hear one of your excuses or one of your rebuttals. Oh God honey how I'm missing you. This is my first 4th of July without you, and my first of not spending it with Vince and Christian.
I called them, just to hear their voices. They said they were planning on having a bar-b-gue there at the house, by themselves. They were alone and it broke my heart because I know they were thinking of you too. Their first without you.
Remember our 4th of Julys when you were young? We would always have a bar-b-que and then watch the fireworks. I remember you and Mark climbing up on top of the house to get a better view. We would set our own off in the street in front of our house and our little dog Poopsie loved them. You guys would light them and as they were twirling around on the street, she would grab them in her mouth and take off with them. By end of the night, she had seared whiskers, but she had fun searing them. Then, it seemed like those times would last forever, but they didn't. Did they Sweetheart?
Oh so fast, you all grew into adults with families of your own. At our Payson house, we would still have our bar-b-ques and the head count went from nine to thirty-nine. God how I loved every minute of those times. I wish I had bottled them and sit them on a shelf so today as I sit here on my bed writing this letter to you, I could open the bottle and enjoy them once again. "If wishes were fishes we'd all have a fry," your Grandma Sophia used to say. Or as your dad your dad would say "Wish in one hand and pee in the other and see which one fills up fastest." He had such a way with words. Tell him I am missing him today.
Two of my three men have slipped out of my life now. Mark is left holding me together. I don't think it has dawned on him that he is now the Patriarch of the family. I'll have to remind him of that one day when I feel like being mean to him. He misses you and your dad so much. You guys shared a lot of things together; more than most dad and brothers do. Not only were you family, but you were colleagues. It wasn't easy working together. Was it honey. I know back in the days, Mark wouldn't have thought the day would come when he would be missing having his dad and brother around to talk work-talk. But he does. I know because he tells me so quite often. If we all knew then what we know now.
Well my darling son, now that I've written you this letter, I feel better. I know it may sound stupid to some that when I write these letters, I feel they go out into the universe and that you can grab them and read them. How I wish you could write a letter there and send it out into the universe so I could grasp it and read it. I wouldn't even care if it were a "dreaded letter" of yours telling me what I was doing wrong and that you were disappointed in me. I would just like to pick it up, and know that you touched the paper and pen that wrote it.
I love you honey. I know that if I didn't believe there would be a time and place that I will be with you and your dad again, I would go crazy. It would be so unbearable to me. So I will hold that thought close to my heart and believe that one day, I will feel your arms around me in one of your bear hugs and say "Hi Mom." Until that day, please keep trying to place a message in my mind. Please keep trying to break down the wall that I have built that keeps me from feeling your presence.
"I'll love you for always. I'll love you forever. Forever and ever my baby you'll be."
Happy 4th of July Honey.