It has crept upon me again. Just when I think I have myself under control, the pain hits and the only thing that makes it feel better is to write to you.
Night before last, just as I was between the non sleep and sleep stage, I heard your voice. You said one word "Susie". I opened my eyes quickly and said "I hear you honey." That was all there was.
For so many years honey, we were so blessed with not having accidents or illness fall upon our family. Of course, we struggled with Daren's addiction and with the emotional illness that affects our family, but still, I knew my prayers each day were answered that God keep you and our children safe from illness, harm or accident. But then I got the telephone call telling me I had lost you, and then fourteen months later got another telling me I had lost Daren. It's as though the magic bubble that had surrounded us had shattered and the pain I had prayed so hard to evade, had found its way in. And now Honey, as I've been forced to face the reality, I'm afraid. I don't know if I can handle another telephone call and yet, I'm afraid someday I will.
I tell myself don't think about that Susie. Don't ask for problems. So I keep a book with me wherever I'm at and when the fear comes, I pick up a book and read to keep my mind off it. Do you know how many books I have read since I lost you? A whole bunch.
I will continue my prayers for God to watch out over you, our children and our grandchildren. That we all will be safe from harm or accident or illness and that we will all strive to do those things that would be pleasing to God. Now though Honey, I will also pray that God will bless me that I will have peace that everything will be as its should be and that I will know that. I know I have my band of angels around me Honey, but if you can, would you send yours to me also. I can't wake up and be afraid each day.
I miss you so much and I miss our boy so much too. Tell him to listen to me. Will you? I want him to hear me tell him I love him. I want him to see that as I drive along listening to Kid Rock sing "Born Free" I send him a kiss to let him know that I understand and that I love him beyond words.
Would you tell my mom hello for me? Would you tell her to send me some of her strength? It's funny Honey, but when I think of her, I still feel like her little girl. Here I am a sixty seven year old woman, but when I think of my mom, I'm just her baby again.
Well my love, I'm going to turn on my Kindle and read until I fall asleep. When you get a minute, come sit on my bed by me and if by chance you see a time when my brain is quiet for a minute, talk to me again.
Good Night Honey. Tell Daren his mom misses him so much.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.