It's one of those days. I got up and got busy believing it would make me feel better, but guess what honey. Some days that just doesn't work. So I rely on what I've always relied on...my writing and you.
I went to your nephew's wedding reception on Saturday. I signed the card Danny and Susie Whiting. It will always be Danny and Susie Whiting, Honey. You are still linked to me with a fine silver filament. When I close my eyes, I can almost see it linking your soul with mine.
It's springtime here. The blossoms are out and green is taking over. Rainee and I drove to Heber last week. We went to the cemetery and I showed her where we will be laid to rest. Unfortunately, my darling, you will not find rest until I am laid with you. We are having our headstone set and Daren's also. He will be next to us. I knew in my heart Honey that is how it would be. There would be you and our son and myself. Although your urn sits on my dresser next to my bed, and although Daren's is in Alaska with his boys, we will go ahead and have the headstones set so our children will have a place to go when they want a place to place flowers or send off balloons or simply sit on the grass and talk to you and Daren. Then when the day comes that I'm allowed to come to you, our children will bury us together.
I remember as a child, I was afraid of death. The thought of the world coming to an end, was a constant threat to my mind. With age, Honey and with love that is not the case anymore. Now, it seems as though this place called life is so long; so long until I'm with you again.
I had a talk with Mark the other day. I told him, "Honey, I think when your dad passed away, you and I were thinking with our emotions instead of with our minds. At the time your dad left, what would you have thought had I came to you and said 'What do you think of my living with you for the next fourteen years? For it might be I live that long.' At the time, I don't think you and I were thinking of what we were setting you and your family up for. Honey, my living with you and your family is not set in stone. I can make other arrangements."
And our son told me I thought too much. He told me it wouldn't have mattered had I told him that or not that I would still be welcomed in his home. How blessed I am to have such a son here with me.
Then my darling I remember my last conversation with you. I told you when I got back to Alaska from Utah, I would find us our own place to live. I worried we were taking too much of an advantage with Daren. You told me on our last talk, "Don't worry. A lot of things can happen between now and then." Did you somehow know you wouldn't be there when I returned home. Did you somehow know that in a short year later, Daren would not be there either?
Perhaps Mark is right. Perhaps I do think too much. I've always liked having things in order and perhaps what I've learned is that "my order" might not be God's.
So for now my love, I am going to take things a day at a time. I don't know what will come to be tomorrow or next month or next year. I really have no control after all. The river of life continues to flow. Sometimes I float in a gentle current, softly and smoothly and then, I hit the white caps and all I can do is hold on tight, pray and try to keep my faith. I am thankful I have had you and our children to keep me in the raft.
I miss you Honey. If you were here today, we would get in the car, stop and get a Pepsi and go for a drive up the canyon. We wouldn't go fast. We would pull to the side of the road and let those in a hurry pass us by and then continue as I would hear you say, "They are in such a hurry, they don't see anything." And it would be true, for it would be you that spotted the deer, or elk or woodchucks. You would see a dried tree stump and picture what you would be able to chainsaw carve out of it. We would find a place to pull over and roll down the windows and smell the pine or sage. Now that you are gone Honey, I try to make a point to look at life the way you did. I try not to hurry so quickly I miss what is going on around me.
Friday, Mark said he wished he had you and Daren to talk to. He wanted to talk to you and Dare about the work he had lined up. I recognize how hard it is on him not to have you and Daren around. When push came to shove, he always knew he had his dad and brother at his back.
Thank you Honey for listening to me. You've done a lot of that in our lifetimes haven't you? I miss you honey and I love you with all my heart.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.