Merry Christmas Sweetheart:
You were with us this year, even if we couldn't see you or hold you. You were with us on December 3rd, when I took my mountain man Christmas ornaments to your boys and a tree to hang them on. They were your favorite ornaments, so I gave them to Vince and Crush to keep. You were with us when we ate the meatloaf and mashed potatoes and settled down on the couch to watch television until the wee hours of the morning. You were with us on Christmas Eve when your crazy family gathered together and ate too much, laughed enough, and remembered having you with us last year. Last year you gave Crush a flannel jacket, so I bought him another this year and signed your name to it.
You were with Vince and Rainee and her family on their Caribbean cruise. The night before they left, Rainee dreamed of you. In her dream you told her you and your dad were with them. You told her to watch for the signs, so she did. When they went to board the ship, right in front of them sat a large storage container. In the upper left hand corner it read "CAT", the same emblem your dad always had on the caps he wore. As they walked through the buffet line, it was announced "Someone just requested we play some Lynnrd Skynyrd. One of your favorite songs was "Simple Man" by Lynnrd Skynyrd. Then as Rainee looked up, the gentleman in line in front of her was wearing a tee shirt with the words "Born Free" across it. Kid Rock's "Born Free" is your song. I listened to it every time I went for my walks in Utah.
So my darling boy, knowing you were with us...beside us made getting through this holiday season easier. I know you are just a breath away although I can't see you, or hear you or touch you. I know you are with your boys and with your siblings and with your mom.
I posted on Mark's Facebook that I recalled the time I found you and Mark curled up sleeping behind the Christmas Tree. You were bound and determined to catch Santa. And the times you would send Haley out to see if Santa had came yet. You knew the rule was "No one up until the street lights went out," so you would send her out to get in trouble. I am so thankful for my memories, honey.
Honey, it was my first Christmas without you...one of the many firsts I'm about to experience without you, so to know you are beside us...with us made it bearable this year. I love you so much and I miss you more than words can say, but you are here aren't you. I can almost hear your laughter.
Sweet peace my darling boy. Someday I will be with you and your dad again.
I love you forever, love you for always, forever and ever my baby you'll be.
Mom
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Monday, November 18, 2013
Daren's Letter - November 18, 2013
Hello My Boy:
Sitting here in Alaska in the early morning, listening to the quiet and thinking of you. I don't worry about you and hell honey. I don't worry about it at all because I know God knows what kind of man laid behind the actions of addiction...a mighty fine one. Remember when I wrote this poem for you? I wrote it after one of our conversations; one of the times you called me your angel.
Sitting here in Alaska in the early morning, listening to the quiet and thinking of you. I don't worry about you and hell honey. I don't worry about it at all because I know God knows what kind of man laid behind the actions of addiction...a mighty fine one. Remember when I wrote this poem for you? I wrote it after one of our conversations; one of the times you called me your angel.
I was standing there at the judgment seat
watching as my life rolled past my view.
It was too late to change my ways
there was nothing left for me to do.
The path to the left led straight to Hell
and I knew my time had come.
I'd danced the dance, now came the time
to pay for what I'd done.
Then I heard a voice behind me;
one I knew so well.
It said "Let me take his place Lord.
Let me do his time in Hell."
"Let me do his time in hell Lord
He's my baby still you see.
How am I to know his failures
are not the cause of me.
are not the cause of me.
"He was perfect when you gave him.
Please wash him clean again.
Put his sins upon my shoulders.
'Cause I'd walk through hell for him.
"Please let me bear his burden.
Let me pay his toll.
Put his sins upon my shoulders
and let heaven keep his soul."
When I turned I saw her by my side
right where she'd always been.
Trying to teach me to do the right
but beside me when I caved in.
Her love was unconditional
although I did my part,
to throw her love back in her face
and trample on her heart.
I watched her tears begin to fall;
tears that I knew so well.
As she begged God to allow her
To do my time in hell.
I awoke to find the morning sun
I felt tears upon my face
and knew I had another day
to try to earn my Lord's good grace..
The first thing I did was called my mom
and heard the voice I knew so well.
I said "You needn't worry Mom,
Neither of us will go to hell.
The thing I didn't realize back then Honey was that you were already doing your time in hell; your hell on earth. I only hope my darling boy, that I helped make your time there a little easier.
I love you so much Daren. Your leaving has left me empty. Please Honey, let your presence be felt among those that you love, your family, friends, whoever. Let them feel you when they pick up that joint, when they pour out the pills, when they fill up their glass, if they pick up a syringe or cut a line. Whisper in their ears that its not worth it. Ask whoever is there with you to help them so they won't do their time in hell on earth.
I love you honey. Sweet peace my darling boy. Tell your dad I love him too. I miss both of you more than I can say.
Mom.
=
Pre Chorus:
I watched as her tears begin to fall,
I watched as her tears begin to fall,
Outcro
I woke to the light of morning sun.
I felt the tears upon my face.
And knew I had another day
And knew I had another day
to gain my Lord’s own grace.
The first thing I did was called my Mom,
and heard the voice I knew so well.
I said “Don’t you worry Mama,
I said “Don’t you worry Mama,
neither of us will do my time in Hell.”
Repeat
Chorus:
Wednesday, November 13, 2013
A Letter to Danny- November 13, 2013
Hello Honey:
Guess what? I'm back in Alaska. I flew in yesterday and as I walked out of the terminal headed towards baggage claim, I lost my breath. The last time I made that walk, I was coming to pick up the pieces of my heart when Daren died. The time before that, when I made that walk I was coming because you had left me.
Two years ago today, I woke up thinking it would be a normal day. I was at Mark's house getting things done so I could come home to you the next day. I didn't know that would be the day when my world would tumble down around me.
We were watching Harry Potter; Mark, Dawna, the kids, and I, when the phone rang. It was Haley telling me you had died. I remember crumbling to the floor. Then, I called the hospital and asked for the emergency room. I was crying as I told them to put the phone up to your ear. I needed to tell you that I loved you. I heard them talking to you on the other end of the phone, telling you it was me on the phone. I told you I loved you. The nurse came back on the phone and told me she was sorry.
Two years ago. It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems like forever. Time is so strange. I remember you telling our kids that a year seems like such a long time when you look forward, but is just a twinkling of an eye when you look back on it.
The old saying "Time heals all wounds," isn't really true. Two years haven't healed me. I'm just learning to deal with you not being with me. You learn to deal...you don't heal.
I won't be sending up balloons today Honey. I will do that on your birthday. I will spend the day remembering you, our life together.
You are with me all the time Honey. When I wake, when I drive, when I write, when I clean, and right before I fall to sleep you are there; in my mind and in my heart. You're with me when I look at the autumn leaves, when it rains, when the wind blows and today in Alaska when there is an ice storm. The last ice storm I was a part of, I was with you; living in our little cedar house in Salcha, Alaska. Schools and business had been shut down because of it, so you and I settled and kept warm and enjoyed just being together.
I think if scientists could look into my heart, into my skin and into my soul, they would find part of your DNA there because you are such a part of me.
I love you Honey. Always have and always will.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Guess what? I'm back in Alaska. I flew in yesterday and as I walked out of the terminal headed towards baggage claim, I lost my breath. The last time I made that walk, I was coming to pick up the pieces of my heart when Daren died. The time before that, when I made that walk I was coming because you had left me.
Two years ago today, I woke up thinking it would be a normal day. I was at Mark's house getting things done so I could come home to you the next day. I didn't know that would be the day when my world would tumble down around me.
We were watching Harry Potter; Mark, Dawna, the kids, and I, when the phone rang. It was Haley telling me you had died. I remember crumbling to the floor. Then, I called the hospital and asked for the emergency room. I was crying as I told them to put the phone up to your ear. I needed to tell you that I loved you. I heard them talking to you on the other end of the phone, telling you it was me on the phone. I told you I loved you. The nurse came back on the phone and told me she was sorry.
Two years ago. It seems like yesterday, and yet it seems like forever. Time is so strange. I remember you telling our kids that a year seems like such a long time when you look forward, but is just a twinkling of an eye when you look back on it.
The old saying "Time heals all wounds," isn't really true. Two years haven't healed me. I'm just learning to deal with you not being with me. You learn to deal...you don't heal.
I won't be sending up balloons today Honey. I will do that on your birthday. I will spend the day remembering you, our life together.
You are with me all the time Honey. When I wake, when I drive, when I write, when I clean, and right before I fall to sleep you are there; in my mind and in my heart. You're with me when I look at the autumn leaves, when it rains, when the wind blows and today in Alaska when there is an ice storm. The last ice storm I was a part of, I was with you; living in our little cedar house in Salcha, Alaska. Schools and business had been shut down because of it, so you and I settled and kept warm and enjoyed just being together.
I think if scientists could look into my heart, into my skin and into my soul, they would find part of your DNA there because you are such a part of me.
I love you Honey. Always have and always will.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Monday, October 28, 2013
Daren's Letter - October 28, 2013
Hello Babe:
It's October here and with it came memories flooding in; memories of you my boy. Twenty-eight days have slipped by and now it October is leaving.
You had planned on being here this year. You were going to go hunting elk up Dry Fork Canyon. How I loved the times your dad and I shared with you up there. How I have loved the times I shared with you everywhere.
Did you hear the song Mariah sang for you. I shared it on Facebook. You were so loved by so many honey.
It's been over nine months and the emptiness is still inside me. It's like a void is there that can't be filled up. Like the best is in the past and I can't reach back and grab it and pull it up to now.
Memories is a two sided sword. In one way, when I drift back into them, the pain is so sharp, so real that I want to block them out. Then in another, I'm mad at my brain that I'm not able to recall every single word, every action, every thought that had to do with you, so I could play it in my mind like a movie on a screen. So I could have you with me again.
Yesterday, I pulled out my old camcorder and watched you and Mark on the trip you took to Canada and Arkansas hunting geese. I watched and listened as you talked and laughed and acted up like you always seem to do when you get together. Over and over and over again, you expressed how thrilled you were being there spending that time with your brother out in the country you both love so much. But even being there doing what you loved so dearly, a time came when the demons ripped away at you. They wouldn't let you be. You left dinner and Mark found you passed out. He took you back to your room and got you settled into bed.
What do I do honey? What do I do to help you help others now? I wrote your story and sent it up to Sheree's so Lindsay and Mariah could use it in their drug awareness program. I can only do so much here honey. I'm going to need your help. I will keep trying to get your story out, and then you need to whisper into someone's ear that is in need of help; tell him/her to listen and to not be sucked into addiction as you were. I will do my part honey, but I do need your help.
When I think of heaven, I think of the very best that was here on earth, multiplied over and over again. So, when it comes to you and your dad, I imagine you both are together on the very best elk hunt you could have ever imagined. You have set up a wonderful camp with a tent that doesn't leak. You have a campfire burning with a pot of coffee sitting over the coals. You are probably with your Grandpa Don Whiting. He always loved you so much. You were his first Whiting grandson to carry on the Whiting name. I can picture the three of you sitting there, enjoying the sounds of the night, the warmth of the fire, and the stars in the heavens. Your Grandpa and Dad are telling you stories of their time on earth, of the people they loved, and the lessons they learned. Of course, they will both tell you that you had a pretty great mom, and you will smile and tell them that I was your angel. That's what you always said. Now my darling son. You are my angel.
I love you honey. Words can never express how much, or how much I miss you. I absolutely hate not having any control.
I'm going back to Alaska on the 12th of November. I will be there to not celebrate your dad's death on the 13th. I talked to Vince and he told me he was glad I was coming up. I could fix Thanksgiving for everyone. He told me I could give him an early Christmas present. He wants me to copy my recipes into a recipe book for him. Remember honey. You wanted me to leave you my can that had all my recipe cards in it. I told him he could go over to Shannon's and get the can, but he said he wanted me to rewrite them all. A bossy boy you raised there. So grandma will do it for him.
Well my boy, I feel better now I have written you. The pain has become bearable again. Give your dad a hug for me. Tell him I love him with all my heart and miss him like crazy. Give your grandpa a hug for me too. He was a special person in my life. Have you seen Grandma Sophia yet? Did you apologize for the times when you and Mark were young and you would have Rainee go out of your room to tell Grandma Sophia you didn't like her. Luckily, she didn't kill the messenger.
Have you seen Aunt Mary and Uncle Ray? Have they been coming home to find a sink full of trout the way they did when they were here? You kept them in fresh fish.
I know your Aunt Emy and Aunt Fran and Uncle Chris were happy to see you again. They all thought you were pretty special. You were.
Honey, have you talked to my dad? You probably know the answers to all the mysteries we had surrounding him. Has he told you what his experiences were like here on earth. Did he tell you he knew Baby Face Nelson and Al Capone? Did he explain to you why he burned down those churches in Harco, Illinois and what the eight years in prison were like because he did. You already know the answers to all the questions I've had for so many years. Tell Daddy I remember the correct way to rake leaves just like he taught me. Tell him I love him.
Well my darling boy, take care of everyone that I love there where you are, and I will take care of all you love here where I am.
Until I get to feel your arms around me and hear you say "I love you, Mom" again, you will stay in my heart, my mind and my memories.
I love you honey.
Mom.
It's October here and with it came memories flooding in; memories of you my boy. Twenty-eight days have slipped by and now it October is leaving.
You had planned on being here this year. You were going to go hunting elk up Dry Fork Canyon. How I loved the times your dad and I shared with you up there. How I have loved the times I shared with you everywhere.
Did you hear the song Mariah sang for you. I shared it on Facebook. You were so loved by so many honey.
It's been over nine months and the emptiness is still inside me. It's like a void is there that can't be filled up. Like the best is in the past and I can't reach back and grab it and pull it up to now.
Memories is a two sided sword. In one way, when I drift back into them, the pain is so sharp, so real that I want to block them out. Then in another, I'm mad at my brain that I'm not able to recall every single word, every action, every thought that had to do with you, so I could play it in my mind like a movie on a screen. So I could have you with me again.
Yesterday, I pulled out my old camcorder and watched you and Mark on the trip you took to Canada and Arkansas hunting geese. I watched and listened as you talked and laughed and acted up like you always seem to do when you get together. Over and over and over again, you expressed how thrilled you were being there spending that time with your brother out in the country you both love so much. But even being there doing what you loved so dearly, a time came when the demons ripped away at you. They wouldn't let you be. You left dinner and Mark found you passed out. He took you back to your room and got you settled into bed.
What do I do honey? What do I do to help you help others now? I wrote your story and sent it up to Sheree's so Lindsay and Mariah could use it in their drug awareness program. I can only do so much here honey. I'm going to need your help. I will keep trying to get your story out, and then you need to whisper into someone's ear that is in need of help; tell him/her to listen and to not be sucked into addiction as you were. I will do my part honey, but I do need your help.
When I think of heaven, I think of the very best that was here on earth, multiplied over and over again. So, when it comes to you and your dad, I imagine you both are together on the very best elk hunt you could have ever imagined. You have set up a wonderful camp with a tent that doesn't leak. You have a campfire burning with a pot of coffee sitting over the coals. You are probably with your Grandpa Don Whiting. He always loved you so much. You were his first Whiting grandson to carry on the Whiting name. I can picture the three of you sitting there, enjoying the sounds of the night, the warmth of the fire, and the stars in the heavens. Your Grandpa and Dad are telling you stories of their time on earth, of the people they loved, and the lessons they learned. Of course, they will both tell you that you had a pretty great mom, and you will smile and tell them that I was your angel. That's what you always said. Now my darling son. You are my angel.
I love you honey. Words can never express how much, or how much I miss you. I absolutely hate not having any control.
I'm going back to Alaska on the 12th of November. I will be there to not celebrate your dad's death on the 13th. I talked to Vince and he told me he was glad I was coming up. I could fix Thanksgiving for everyone. He told me I could give him an early Christmas present. He wants me to copy my recipes into a recipe book for him. Remember honey. You wanted me to leave you my can that had all my recipe cards in it. I told him he could go over to Shannon's and get the can, but he said he wanted me to rewrite them all. A bossy boy you raised there. So grandma will do it for him.
Well my boy, I feel better now I have written you. The pain has become bearable again. Give your dad a hug for me. Tell him I love him with all my heart and miss him like crazy. Give your grandpa a hug for me too. He was a special person in my life. Have you seen Grandma Sophia yet? Did you apologize for the times when you and Mark were young and you would have Rainee go out of your room to tell Grandma Sophia you didn't like her. Luckily, she didn't kill the messenger.
Have you seen Aunt Mary and Uncle Ray? Have they been coming home to find a sink full of trout the way they did when they were here? You kept them in fresh fish.
I know your Aunt Emy and Aunt Fran and Uncle Chris were happy to see you again. They all thought you were pretty special. You were.
Honey, have you talked to my dad? You probably know the answers to all the mysteries we had surrounding him. Has he told you what his experiences were like here on earth. Did he tell you he knew Baby Face Nelson and Al Capone? Did he explain to you why he burned down those churches in Harco, Illinois and what the eight years in prison were like because he did. You already know the answers to all the questions I've had for so many years. Tell Daddy I remember the correct way to rake leaves just like he taught me. Tell him I love him.
Well my darling boy, take care of everyone that I love there where you are, and I will take care of all you love here where I am.
Until I get to feel your arms around me and hear you say "I love you, Mom" again, you will stay in my heart, my mind and my memories.
I love you honey.
Mom.
Wednesday, September 18, 2013
A Letter to Danny - September 18, 2013
Hi Honey:
It has happened. Just like overnight it came; that soft golden hue that only comes with autumn. How you loved this time of year. You use to say that everything was better: your food tasted better, your home felt better, your clothes felt better once the dog days of summer gave way to the golden hue of autumn.
The leaves are starting to change. I noticed the red upon the mountains a few days ago and soon quaken asps will shed their leaves of green for those of yellow. They were your favorite trees. You would always say you could find a deer or elk hiding in their cover. How you loved your hunts. Hunting was your passion. I remember telling my friend that if they took out licenses to hunt piss ants you would be the first in line.
I remember the second year we were married and you were getting ready to go hunting with some of the guys that worked for you. You asked me if I would see if I could find a coat for you; an orange one. The weather was so cold that year. We had a lot of snow as I set out in search of one that would keep my man warm. Now, I laugh at what I brought home to you. It was a very warm, very orange, very ugly, one-piece, orange cover-all. It would have kept my man warm, but it would also had made him look like a giant orange marshmallow. My heart was in the right place, just my hunting dress style was a bit off. Needless to say, I had to return it. Thank you for not making me feel then as silly as what I feel now.
Being raised with just my mom, hunting was something we didn't do. Until I married you, I had the Bambi Syndrome; thinking hunting as mean and cruel. But when I married you, you showed me a man that loved to hunt, that respected the animals that he brought down, that was thankful for the meat that was put on our table. I think in some past life, you were an American Indian; that was the type of love and respect you showed for the earth and the animals on it. I learned to like to cook what you brought home...except for that goose.
It was a beautiful bird as I prepared it with sage dressing. It was only after I put it in the oven and the aroma drifted through the house that I started to vomit, and vomit, and vomit. Of course, it wasn't really the bird itself that caused my distress. It was the fact that I was pregnant with our second baby and morning sickness hit me with a vengeance. I think the scent of roasting goose got into every fiber of our house. I could smell it in our couch cushions, in the drapes, everywhere. Of course, when a woman is pregnant, their sense of smell is so horrifically strong anyway. After the goose was cooked (that's funny) you didn't even like the taste of it. We had invited your dad over for dinner though and for a night of playing poker, and he loved it. We sent it home with him and I never roasted another one. There are two things, that after 47 years I still shudder about eating. One is goose and the other is Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
Remember our hunting trip out on the southwest desert the first year we were married. We were hunting antelope and you fixed dinner over an open fire; dinner that consisted of a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. I was pregnant with our first baby at that time and with one bite, I became so sick. When I think of it, I can still smell the smoked taste of that stew and feel my stomach start to rumble.
I miss those days honey. I miss the days after when I wouldn't go with you hunting, but would stay at home with our babies while you went. I enjoyed getting you ready to go. I would plan your meals and purchase the food, and stock the trailer and watch you don your orange and take off. While you were gone, I don't think I cooked a meal. The kids and I would hit all the fast food joints in town until the night you came back home again.
You were my life honey; you and our kids, and you still are. Love doesn't die, does it. It stays settled right in your heart. As I sit here on my bed in the middle of the night, the love I had for you for all those years is still nestled inside me. I'm learning to deal with my grief from losing you. It doesn't go away, I just learn to deal with it. It's boils and steams inside me until the pressure reaches the point that the tears come and I open my computer and write to you. Then it is held at bay for a while longer.
I miss you honey and I will love you,
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
It has happened. Just like overnight it came; that soft golden hue that only comes with autumn. How you loved this time of year. You use to say that everything was better: your food tasted better, your home felt better, your clothes felt better once the dog days of summer gave way to the golden hue of autumn.
The leaves are starting to change. I noticed the red upon the mountains a few days ago and soon quaken asps will shed their leaves of green for those of yellow. They were your favorite trees. You would always say you could find a deer or elk hiding in their cover. How you loved your hunts. Hunting was your passion. I remember telling my friend that if they took out licenses to hunt piss ants you would be the first in line.
I remember the second year we were married and you were getting ready to go hunting with some of the guys that worked for you. You asked me if I would see if I could find a coat for you; an orange one. The weather was so cold that year. We had a lot of snow as I set out in search of one that would keep my man warm. Now, I laugh at what I brought home to you. It was a very warm, very orange, very ugly, one-piece, orange cover-all. It would have kept my man warm, but it would also had made him look like a giant orange marshmallow. My heart was in the right place, just my hunting dress style was a bit off. Needless to say, I had to return it. Thank you for not making me feel then as silly as what I feel now.
Being raised with just my mom, hunting was something we didn't do. Until I married you, I had the Bambi Syndrome; thinking hunting as mean and cruel. But when I married you, you showed me a man that loved to hunt, that respected the animals that he brought down, that was thankful for the meat that was put on our table. I think in some past life, you were an American Indian; that was the type of love and respect you showed for the earth and the animals on it. I learned to like to cook what you brought home...except for that goose.
It was a beautiful bird as I prepared it with sage dressing. It was only after I put it in the oven and the aroma drifted through the house that I started to vomit, and vomit, and vomit. Of course, it wasn't really the bird itself that caused my distress. It was the fact that I was pregnant with our second baby and morning sickness hit me with a vengeance. I think the scent of roasting goose got into every fiber of our house. I could smell it in our couch cushions, in the drapes, everywhere. Of course, when a woman is pregnant, their sense of smell is so horrifically strong anyway. After the goose was cooked (that's funny) you didn't even like the taste of it. We had invited your dad over for dinner though and for a night of playing poker, and he loved it. We sent it home with him and I never roasted another one. There are two things, that after 47 years I still shudder about eating. One is goose and the other is Dinty Moore Beef Stew.
Remember our hunting trip out on the southwest desert the first year we were married. We were hunting antelope and you fixed dinner over an open fire; dinner that consisted of a can of Dinty Moore Beef Stew. I was pregnant with our first baby at that time and with one bite, I became so sick. When I think of it, I can still smell the smoked taste of that stew and feel my stomach start to rumble.
I miss those days honey. I miss the days after when I wouldn't go with you hunting, but would stay at home with our babies while you went. I enjoyed getting you ready to go. I would plan your meals and purchase the food, and stock the trailer and watch you don your orange and take off. While you were gone, I don't think I cooked a meal. The kids and I would hit all the fast food joints in town until the night you came back home again.
You were my life honey; you and our kids, and you still are. Love doesn't die, does it. It stays settled right in your heart. As I sit here on my bed in the middle of the night, the love I had for you for all those years is still nestled inside me. I'm learning to deal with my grief from losing you. It doesn't go away, I just learn to deal with it. It's boils and steams inside me until the pressure reaches the point that the tears come and I open my computer and write to you. Then it is held at bay for a while longer.
I miss you honey and I will love you,
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Wednesday, August 28, 2013
Daren's Letter - August 28, 2013
Hi Honey:
I just went for my walk. Were you with me as I listened to "Born Free" and "Dance with the Devil?" Did you see me kiss my fingers and press them against the air in front of me as I said "I love you babe."
I walked down by Bailey's Bend and the memories came flooding back. I remember pulling up there with your dad in the dump truck, and seeing you and Mark working there. I always fixed extra sandwiches when I made your dad's lunch, because I knew you would be so happy to get one of them. You would usually raid a Pepsi out of our cooler too.
You knew about the times I was disappointed when I knew you had been on drugs, but I don't think you really understood how tremendously happy you made me when I would know that you weren't. God how I love you honey. Oh how I miss you.
I was remembering tonight how the day after your dad died and I flew back to Alaska, how you were there at the airport waiting for me. You encircled me in your arms and just stood there holding me. Thank you honey for all your hugs. Thank you for loving me as your mom. Thank you for liking my sandwiches and my Spanish rice. It's so funny honey that now, at this time in my life, I am so happy I got to do those simple silly things. I had hard boiled some eggs one day and showed up on the job with them peeled and in a ziplock baggie with salt and pepper on them. You would have thought I'd fixed you pheasant under glass. You appreciated those eggs so much.
Remember how you teased me when I was backing out the snowy driveway at our Salcha house and then it was you that backed out and got stuck. You were so mad. I was laughing to myself.
In my mind right now, you are wearing worn levis, dusty work boots, and your orange tee shirt with the Mark Whiting Construction insignia on it. In my mind, you are still so handsome and so silly. A lot of times, Mark will be kidding around, and when I look at him, I see the same silly expressions you used to get.
Vinnie called the other day to get my checking account number so he could deposit money for his insurance. He called me later to tell me it was there and that he had deposited a little extra so I could buy something for myself. "Vinnie," I said. "You don't need to do that."
"Grandma," he replied. "Would you stop telling me what to do. Go buy yourself some diapers."
"You know, you sounded just like your dad," I said.
So I bought me a jacket that I had been needing and texted him to tell him what his money had gone for and to thank him again. He responded by texting "No problem, Granny. :) My dad kinda pounded it into my head to make sure you come first. So I try."
Honey, I don't expect anything from your boys...just their love. But thank you for caring about me that much.
I'll try to help them as much as I can without infringing on their "space". I love them both so much.
I had to write to you tonight honey. The pressure cooker I've told you about was building up steam, and writing you is the way I release the pain.
Wherever you are my beautiful son, know that someone here, sitting on her bed, loves you so very much and forever and ever my baby you'll be.
Love you Honey.
Mom
I just went for my walk. Were you with me as I listened to "Born Free" and "Dance with the Devil?" Did you see me kiss my fingers and press them against the air in front of me as I said "I love you babe."
I walked down by Bailey's Bend and the memories came flooding back. I remember pulling up there with your dad in the dump truck, and seeing you and Mark working there. I always fixed extra sandwiches when I made your dad's lunch, because I knew you would be so happy to get one of them. You would usually raid a Pepsi out of our cooler too.
You knew about the times I was disappointed when I knew you had been on drugs, but I don't think you really understood how tremendously happy you made me when I would know that you weren't. God how I love you honey. Oh how I miss you.
I was remembering tonight how the day after your dad died and I flew back to Alaska, how you were there at the airport waiting for me. You encircled me in your arms and just stood there holding me. Thank you honey for all your hugs. Thank you for loving me as your mom. Thank you for liking my sandwiches and my Spanish rice. It's so funny honey that now, at this time in my life, I am so happy I got to do those simple silly things. I had hard boiled some eggs one day and showed up on the job with them peeled and in a ziplock baggie with salt and pepper on them. You would have thought I'd fixed you pheasant under glass. You appreciated those eggs so much.
Remember how you teased me when I was backing out the snowy driveway at our Salcha house and then it was you that backed out and got stuck. You were so mad. I was laughing to myself.
In my mind right now, you are wearing worn levis, dusty work boots, and your orange tee shirt with the Mark Whiting Construction insignia on it. In my mind, you are still so handsome and so silly. A lot of times, Mark will be kidding around, and when I look at him, I see the same silly expressions you used to get.
Vinnie called the other day to get my checking account number so he could deposit money for his insurance. He called me later to tell me it was there and that he had deposited a little extra so I could buy something for myself. "Vinnie," I said. "You don't need to do that."
"Grandma," he replied. "Would you stop telling me what to do. Go buy yourself some diapers."
"You know, you sounded just like your dad," I said.
So I bought me a jacket that I had been needing and texted him to tell him what his money had gone for and to thank him again. He responded by texting "No problem, Granny. :) My dad kinda pounded it into my head to make sure you come first. So I try."
Honey, I don't expect anything from your boys...just their love. But thank you for caring about me that much.
I'll try to help them as much as I can without infringing on their "space". I love them both so much.
I had to write to you tonight honey. The pressure cooker I've told you about was building up steam, and writing you is the way I release the pain.
Wherever you are my beautiful son, know that someone here, sitting on her bed, loves you so very much and forever and ever my baby you'll be.
Love you Honey.
Mom
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
The Wonderful, Scary Camping Trip
Once upon a time there were 12 little boys. These little boys were very lucky indeed because they were all cousins. There were the four year olds, Jessie and Austin; the three year olds, Cody, Beau, Vince, Trenton and Slaytor, the two year old Tucker, the one year olds Christian, Jackson, and McKade and then a none year old Tanner.
One day as they were playing at Grandpa and Grandma Whiting's house they had a wonderful idea. They were going to have a camp-out!!!
"I know," said Trenton. Let's have it at my house. We have a big back yard and my daddy and mama won't care.
"Yeah!" said Slaytor. "That will be fun!"
"Cody and Beau and I all have our very own sleeping bags," said Jessie, "and I can bring the new blanket off my mom's bed if someone else needs some covers."
"I can borrow my dad's sleeping bag," said Austin. "It has blood on it from a bear my dad shot."
"Cool," said Slaytor with his eyes opened wide, "Where did he shoot it?"
"In his head," answered Austin proudly.
"I have my very own sleeping bag," Vince said. "Grandpa and Grandma gave it to me for my birthday. It has a Harvey David motorcycle on it,"
"Cool," Slaytor said excitedly. "What's a Harvey David Motorcycle?"
"I don't know," Vince answered. "He's somebody that my mom and dad likes."
The rest of the little boys just stood and listened. They didn't talk very much.
The next Saturday afternoon, Trenton was playing in his back yard with his little brother Jackson when everyone started coming.
Jessie and Cody and Beau arrived with three sleeping bags and the brand new quilt from their mom's bed. Jessie was wearing a large silver pan on his head. Cody and Beau carried large sticks.
Right behind them was Slaytor. He had his Ninja turtle sleeping bag under one arm and under the other he had a little cushion to his mom's new couch. In his teeth he carried a plastic bucket.
Following Slaytor was Vince and Christian. Vince had his Harvey David Motorcycle sleeping bag and a Barney sleeping bag for Christian. Christian was holding a little flashlight and a handful of string.
Austin and Tucker came next. Austin carried a very large sleeping bag that had the stains from the bear smack dab on it. Tucker carried his jacket and a candle and a smile from ear to ear.
McKade was the next to come. He was carrying his trusty bottle and a blanket, and one shoe that had fallen off.
"Hi Guys!" Trenton yelled as he ran to meet them. "You really did come."
"Trenton?" his mother called from the doorway. "What is going on?"
"We're having a camp-out at our house," Trenton called back excitedly.
"Did daddy say it was okay?" his mother questioned.
"Nope. Daddy doesn't know yet," Trenton replied. "Isn't he going to be excited?"
"Oh, I'm sure he will," his mother answered.
The boys busied themselves making their incredible camping spot. They decided that the very best place to sleep was underneath the trampoline. Trenton pulled off the blankets from his bed and with the brand new quilt Jessie had brought they laid them over the trampoline until they touched the ground all the way around. They didn't have anything to hold the blankets on top of the trampoline, so they all took off their shoes and laid them on the blankets to hold them in place.
It was getting dark, so they all climbed inside their huge tent and laid their sleeping bags and blankets out. It was getting darker and darker. Pretty soon it was so dark that they couldn't see each other.
"It's awfully dark in here," Vince said.
"Yeah," answered Austin. "I've got a good idea. Tucker has a candle."
"That's not a good idea," said Jessie. "We aren't allowed to use matches so we can't burn it."
"Oh yeah," replied Austin.
"Christian has a flashlight," Vince said excitedly.
"Good. Where is it?" asked Jessie.
"I don't know," Vince said. "I can't see."
"Let's all feel around," said Slaytor. "I bet we can find it if we just feel around for it."
All the little boys got down on their hands and knees and started feeling around for the flashlight.
"Ouch!" Slaytor screamed. "Somebody just stepped on my fingers."
There was a loud "thud" as Cody and Beau bashed into each other's heads.
"Cody! Watch out where I'm going!" yelled Beau.
"You need to watch out where I'm going," yelled back Cody.
"You guys," Jessie piped in. "How can you watch where you're going when you can't see? Just look for the flashlight."
"I found it!" yelled Trenton. Just then McKade began to cry.
"No you didn't," Austin said. "That's McKade's bottle. Give it back to him so he won't cry."
"Sorry 'Kade," Trenton said as he handed the bottle back to McKade who happily put it in his mouth and stopped crying.
"Here it is," Vince said as he turned on the little flashlight that made just the tiniest little glow.
"That doesn't make a very big light. Does it?" Slaytor said looking a little bewildered.
"Everybody just get in your bed," Jessie said, now being in authority.
All the boys snuggled down in their beds as Vince turned out the little flashlight.
"Did you hear that?" whispered Trenton.
"What?" whispered Vince.
"Sh-h-h," Jessie said.
"I think it's a bear," Austin replied.
They could hear something moving around in the dark night.
"Let's go kill it," Slaytor said standing up and picking up one of the twin's sticks. "Come on Jessie. We'll follow you. You go first."
"Why do I have to go first?" answered Jessie.
"Cause you're the oldest," Vince said.
"Oh. All right then." Jessie picked up his silver pan and placed it on his head and then picked up the other stick of the twin's. "Let's go kill it."
"Here," said Vince handing them the string that Christian had brought. "If you can't kill it, we can tie it up."
"Here," said Trenton, picking up the pillow that Slaytor had brought. "If he opens his mouth to eat us, we can shove this pillow in it."
"Good idea," Vince said. "You're smart."
"Thanks," smiled Trenton. Then we can fill Slaytor's bucket with water and drown him."
"They pushed back one of the blankets and sneaked out into the dark night each one holding on tight to the other.
"Ruff, ruff, ruff," Came a sound as a creature brushed up against their legs. "Ruff, ruff, ruff."
"Run," screamed Jessie.
"Run!" yelled Slaytor.
"Run!" cried Austin.
"Run fast!" Yelled Trenton.
And run they did. They ran so fast. Trenton threw open the sliding glass doors that led into his front room. In ran Jessie. In ran Slaytor. In ran Austin. In ran Trenton.
Early the next morning, Trenton's mama walked into the front room to find the four boys laying on the couch, laying on the floor and laying in the reclining chair.
"What are you guys doing in here?" she asked. "I thought you were sleeping out in your incredible camp."
"We had to come in," Trenton replied sleepily.
"Yeah," Slaytor said with a big yawn. We had to come in."
"Yep," Austin said stretching out his arms. "We had to come in."
"Why did you have to come in?" Trenton's mother asked puzzled.
"Cause the little boys were all scared," Jessie said as he turned over and faced the couch and fell back to sleep.
Trenton's mother walked out to the wonderful, scary camp and peeked inside. There lay Cody and Beau, Jackson, McKade, Tucker and Christian' all sound asleep. Trenton's dog Drake was sleeping nearby.
It had been a wonderful scary camping trip.
One day as they were playing at Grandpa and Grandma Whiting's house they had a wonderful idea. They were going to have a camp-out!!!
"I know," said Trenton. Let's have it at my house. We have a big back yard and my daddy and mama won't care.
"Yeah!" said Slaytor. "That will be fun!"
"Cody and Beau and I all have our very own sleeping bags," said Jessie, "and I can bring the new blanket off my mom's bed if someone else needs some covers."
"I can borrow my dad's sleeping bag," said Austin. "It has blood on it from a bear my dad shot."
"Cool," said Slaytor with his eyes opened wide, "Where did he shoot it?"
"In his head," answered Austin proudly.
"I have my very own sleeping bag," Vince said. "Grandpa and Grandma gave it to me for my birthday. It has a Harvey David motorcycle on it,"
"Cool," Slaytor said excitedly. "What's a Harvey David Motorcycle?"
"I don't know," Vince answered. "He's somebody that my mom and dad likes."
The rest of the little boys just stood and listened. They didn't talk very much.
The next Saturday afternoon, Trenton was playing in his back yard with his little brother Jackson when everyone started coming.
Jessie and Cody and Beau arrived with three sleeping bags and the brand new quilt from their mom's bed. Jessie was wearing a large silver pan on his head. Cody and Beau carried large sticks.
Right behind them was Slaytor. He had his Ninja turtle sleeping bag under one arm and under the other he had a little cushion to his mom's new couch. In his teeth he carried a plastic bucket.
Following Slaytor was Vince and Christian. Vince had his Harvey David Motorcycle sleeping bag and a Barney sleeping bag for Christian. Christian was holding a little flashlight and a handful of string.
Austin and Tucker came next. Austin carried a very large sleeping bag that had the stains from the bear smack dab on it. Tucker carried his jacket and a candle and a smile from ear to ear.
McKade was the next to come. He was carrying his trusty bottle and a blanket, and one shoe that had fallen off.
"Hi Guys!" Trenton yelled as he ran to meet them. "You really did come."
"Trenton?" his mother called from the doorway. "What is going on?"
"We're having a camp-out at our house," Trenton called back excitedly.
"Did daddy say it was okay?" his mother questioned.
"Nope. Daddy doesn't know yet," Trenton replied. "Isn't he going to be excited?"
"Oh, I'm sure he will," his mother answered.
The boys busied themselves making their incredible camping spot. They decided that the very best place to sleep was underneath the trampoline. Trenton pulled off the blankets from his bed and with the brand new quilt Jessie had brought they laid them over the trampoline until they touched the ground all the way around. They didn't have anything to hold the blankets on top of the trampoline, so they all took off their shoes and laid them on the blankets to hold them in place.
It was getting dark, so they all climbed inside their huge tent and laid their sleeping bags and blankets out. It was getting darker and darker. Pretty soon it was so dark that they couldn't see each other.
"It's awfully dark in here," Vince said.
"Yeah," answered Austin. "I've got a good idea. Tucker has a candle."
"That's not a good idea," said Jessie. "We aren't allowed to use matches so we can't burn it."
"Oh yeah," replied Austin.
"Christian has a flashlight," Vince said excitedly.
"Good. Where is it?" asked Jessie.
"I don't know," Vince said. "I can't see."
"Let's all feel around," said Slaytor. "I bet we can find it if we just feel around for it."
All the little boys got down on their hands and knees and started feeling around for the flashlight.
"Ouch!" Slaytor screamed. "Somebody just stepped on my fingers."
There was a loud "thud" as Cody and Beau bashed into each other's heads.
"Cody! Watch out where I'm going!" yelled Beau.
"You need to watch out where I'm going," yelled back Cody.
"You guys," Jessie piped in. "How can you watch where you're going when you can't see? Just look for the flashlight."
"I found it!" yelled Trenton. Just then McKade began to cry.
"No you didn't," Austin said. "That's McKade's bottle. Give it back to him so he won't cry."
"Sorry 'Kade," Trenton said as he handed the bottle back to McKade who happily put it in his mouth and stopped crying.
"Here it is," Vince said as he turned on the little flashlight that made just the tiniest little glow.
"That doesn't make a very big light. Does it?" Slaytor said looking a little bewildered.
"Everybody just get in your bed," Jessie said, now being in authority.
All the boys snuggled down in their beds as Vince turned out the little flashlight.
"Did you hear that?" whispered Trenton.
"What?" whispered Vince.
"Sh-h-h," Jessie said.
"I think it's a bear," Austin replied.
They could hear something moving around in the dark night.
"Let's go kill it," Slaytor said standing up and picking up one of the twin's sticks. "Come on Jessie. We'll follow you. You go first."
"Why do I have to go first?" answered Jessie.
"Cause you're the oldest," Vince said.
"Oh. All right then." Jessie picked up his silver pan and placed it on his head and then picked up the other stick of the twin's. "Let's go kill it."
"Here," said Vince handing them the string that Christian had brought. "If you can't kill it, we can tie it up."
"Here," said Trenton, picking up the pillow that Slaytor had brought. "If he opens his mouth to eat us, we can shove this pillow in it."
"Good idea," Vince said. "You're smart."
"Thanks," smiled Trenton. Then we can fill Slaytor's bucket with water and drown him."
"They pushed back one of the blankets and sneaked out into the dark night each one holding on tight to the other.
"Ruff, ruff, ruff," Came a sound as a creature brushed up against their legs. "Ruff, ruff, ruff."
"Run," screamed Jessie.
"Run!" yelled Slaytor.
"Run!" cried Austin.
"Run fast!" Yelled Trenton.
And run they did. They ran so fast. Trenton threw open the sliding glass doors that led into his front room. In ran Jessie. In ran Slaytor. In ran Austin. In ran Trenton.
Early the next morning, Trenton's mama walked into the front room to find the four boys laying on the couch, laying on the floor and laying in the reclining chair.
"What are you guys doing in here?" she asked. "I thought you were sleeping out in your incredible camp."
"We had to come in," Trenton replied sleepily.
"Yeah," Slaytor said with a big yawn. We had to come in."
"Yep," Austin said stretching out his arms. "We had to come in."
"Why did you have to come in?" Trenton's mother asked puzzled.
"Cause the little boys were all scared," Jessie said as he turned over and faced the couch and fell back to sleep.
Trenton's mother walked out to the wonderful, scary camp and peeked inside. There lay Cody and Beau, Jackson, McKade, Tucker and Christian' all sound asleep. Trenton's dog Drake was sleeping nearby.
It had been a wonderful scary camping trip.
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