Hello My Darling Son:
It's Memorial Day and I don't have a grave to decorate for you and your dad. But it's okay because I know that you would not be there anyway. I know you are not in the ground, or in the urn with your ashes. You are everywhere that you always wanted to be. I picture you on a Harley along Highway 101 taking in the view of the ocean along California. I see you walking through the vineyards or lounging in the sun on a Caribbean beach. How you loved the sun. I can see you in your cut off Levis hand fishing the Provo River. The sun shines off your hair as your back becomes more bronze. I can hear your laughter in the breeze and hear your prayers amid the mountain pines. I picture you free my dear son. So free and happy.
Rainee and I took flowers to the Provo River today. I kissed each one and threw it out into the current, knowing that from where you are at, you will see them floating in that old river that you and your dad loved so much.
There are times honey that I think I am forgetting the sound of your voice and it scares me That should be ringing in my ears every second of every day; or so I think. I close my eyes and I listen to my mind. I picture myself calling you on your phone and hearing you pick up. You say "Hello" in the way only you would say it and then you would say "What's up, Mom?" And we would talk. An hour could go by and we would still have things to say to each other.
I know that if you were here today, you would be a nervous wreck worrying about me and my cancer. You would be telling me to get mad at the doctors and make them listen to me. You would be so angry thinking that I wasn't being taken care of. You always worried about me. Even when there wasn't really anything to worry about. And I find comfort in knowing that you and your dad are not worrying about me right now Not because you don't love me the same, or care about me. It's because where you are at, you already know the outcome of everything. You have a unique view of the road I am on, and you know that wherever that road leads me, it will be the one I should be on and the destination will be where I am destined to end up at. And I know my darling son, you and your dad are with me I know you stand watch over me as I sleep, and watch me as I walk my days. What a comfort that is to me,
I miss you honey. I miss you so much, but I wouldn't want you to be back here fighting the demons you fought for so many years. I would rather you be on your beaches, or your Harley, or in your mountains. I would rather know that wherever you are, the sound of your laughter echos and that you are truly free.
Just so you know, there are so many times when I am missing you that Mark will say or do something that is exactly like you. He was working in his yard yesterday and had been all day. Suddenly, like a little boy throwing a temper tantrum he yelled "I'm done. I'm not doing this anymore." and he threw his weed bucket across the lawn. I burst out laughing because not only was it so much Mark, it was so much you too. It makes me happy you both share that same silly gene that has brought me to laughter so many times.
Well my darling boy, will you do something for me? If you get a chance, at night when I'm sleeping will you whisper in my ear. I need to hear your voice.
I love you darling.
Forever and ever my baby you'll be,