Monday, February 10, 2014

A Letter to Danny - February 10, 2014

Good Morning Honey:

I've been thinking about you all through the night as I sit here with Jeri and watch her try to leave this life.

"Dying ain't that easy." I once heard my mom say, but I didn't understand how true her words were until watching Jeri.  It's not easy discarding this old coat of a body is it honey.  Jeri has been working hard at it since last Thursday.  She's not in pain and she's not stressed.  She's just working bit by bit and piece by piece trying to get to the place you are at now.

Watching her has made me realize something Honey.  I have struggled with the fact that I was not with you when you died.  I struggle knowing I was not with Daren when he died.  As I sat with Jeri during the night I felt such a myriad of feelings.  I felt guilty because I wanted her to complete her task of dying.  Then I felt guilty because I wanted her to not die.  I felt afraid as I watched her go through some of the processes I didn't understand.  For two nights I sat and held her hand, and then I was told that sometimes when you are around the dying person, they feel your presence.  They hear your words, feel your touch, feel your need, and in doing so, they try to hold on to this life, not for themselves, but for you. Then I felt guilty that perhaps I had been making her passing more difficult for her. 

As I turned out the light and sat down in the recliner I've been using for a bed, pulled my quilt up, I realized something.  I could not have handled being with you and Daren and watching you pass away.  I know I would have been holding on to both of you so tightly, and I know because you both have loved me so much, despite what would have been right for you, you both would have fought to stay with me.  And that fight would not have been what would have been best for you. 

Perhaps, had I been with you and Daren, you might have stayed with me, but at what cost to you and him.  I don't know the "might haves, or what ifs"  I only know that whoever was responsible for me not being with you when you died, (if it were you and Daren, or God) I know it was the right decision.  I know in my heart my love, that had I been with you, and had you felt me holding your hand, kissing your cheek, and my tears upon your face, you would have made the decision to stay with me.  And had you made that decision, you would not have the peace you have now.  You would not have the health you have now.  You would not have the joy you have now.  All is as it should have been Honey.

So I will set aside my guilt for not being with you and Daren.  Knowing that I know you both would have made an ultimate sacrifice for me had I been there and asked, makes me feel blessed to have been loved so much.

I love you Honey,

Far Beyond the 12th of Never


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