I can't believe it's 2015. When you died, I thought life would end or at least stand still. I couldn't possibly see how it could go on without you in it. But guess what honey? It does and it has dragged me along with it.
You know sweetheart, your addiction was such a demon in both of our lives. I know how much you struggled and you knew how much I did. Unfortunately, it was stronger than the both of us put together. That is what addiction is. It is a strong, unrelenting force that doesn't care about the addict or about those who love him. Yes, my darling boy. You were an addict but...I wonder.
You have six siblings and between you all, there are twenty-four children. Those thirty people watched what you went through. They were there on the sidelines watching, wondering, hurting, being frustrated. They saw you fight and they saw you lose. But as I laid in my bed thinking about you again last night, I realized something once again. You were a teacher. There on that stage of addiction, you were teaching those other thirty people about it. You were teaching them that it could deprive you of all you hold dearest; your family, your true friends, your dreams, your hopes, your future and eventually, your life. They stood there watching and your lessons seeped into them. And because you taught; because they learned, they will not go down that road. You were their teacher, and you were their savior. Thank you darling.
I don't know about this life. That is the truth. Everyone has their beliefs, but no one really knows what this life is about. As I ponder, I can't help but feel that whatever road we are on in this life, is one we chose to travel on before we came. I think that road has exits, but I think even when those exits are taken, somehow, someway we manage to get back on the road we were meant to be on, to learn those lessons we were meant to learn. And with that belief, I think of you. Was the road you traveled the one you chose in the pre-existence to travel on? Was it not happenstance? Was that hard and rocky and muddy road you walked one you chose to walk so you could be a teacher? Are the homeless, the broken, the drunken, the lost actually teachers also. Should we all take a step back and look not with our eyes, but with our souls and see what the lesson is we should be learning from them. For there surely is one. Is that why we should not be judgmental, because if we are, it makes us unable to see what lies beneath those teachers. It makes us unable to learn.
Your addiction was not the total of the man you were my darling boy. You were amazing. You were kind, caring, helpful, giving, loving and one of the funniest people I have ever known. Your sense of humor made many of my days much brighter. No my son. Your addiciton was the part of you that would help guide your own sons and the children of your siblings away from that that tortured you.
As I sit here, not quite two years since you left me, I am overwhelmed with love and gratitude. I thank my God that you were mine. I thank my God that I got the whole package that was my son.
I love you Sweetheart and miss you every day.