And so my son, some days are better than others. Some are worse. I don't know why that is. I've tried to sort it out in my mind and have yet to reach a conclusion. When the pain comes; when I feel as though the knife has reached my heart and turned, I wonder why. What was I thinking. What was I smelling. What was I hearing that changed how I felt so quickly.
Yesterday I was busy. "Get up and get busy," your dad would say. "It will make you feel better." And I had been busy for the better part of the day, but then it crept in; the pain of missing you. So I downloaded songs by Kid Rock and Lynard Skynyrd, burned them onto a CD, called Frodo to come with me and you and I went for a ride. Did you notice the kiss I sent into the air when I played Kid Rock singing "Born Free." Did you attempt to wipe the tears I couldn't hold back?
I talked to you. I told you how much I love you. I told you that this thing called life is full of lessons, some of which we all will pass and some we will fail and need to take the class over again. Did you hear me tell you that you passed so many of your classes.
Did you hear me say "I hope so," when I played Lynard Skynyrd's "Simple Man." I had heard you said that song reminded you of me. It tells of a mother that tries to teach her son what is really important in this life. You learned much from someone honey. You learned to be kind, compassionate, giving and loving. I hope I played a part in those parts that made you, you.
I tried to call Vince and Christian. I just needed to hear their voices. But they weren't by their phones. I left them messages. I told them how much I loved them, that I missed them, and I was proud of them.
I don't understand this thing called grief. I keep telling myself over and over that I am not the first nor will I be the last to lose someone I love so dearly. And I know that Honey, but it doesn't matter. After I've lectured myself and scolded myself using the part of my brain that is logical, the part of my heart that hurts says "But that knowledge doesn't make it any better."
So I sit on my bed and write this letter to you because when I do, I feel my words are going out into the universe and into your ears, into your heart. When I write, I think you receive my letters. It is no longer just words or thoughts whispered into the air. It is words and thoughts written down, tangible, real. As real as my love for you.
So honey, I have my CD in my car. It's labeled Susie's Songs, but it's not really mine. They are your songs. Songs that meant something to you. Songs that you related to. And because they are a part of you, they will be a part of me.
I love you honey. I do find comfort in knowing you are at peace now. I know you no longer feel the pain your earthbound body was forced to endure. If I close my eyes and listen close, I can almost hear your laughter echoing heaven. I'll keep trying to hear it honey, because if I hear you laugh, then I will find some sense of joy in all that I do not understand.
Good night honey.
Sweet Peace my Boy.
Mom
Sunday, June 9, 2013
Saturday, May 25, 2013
Daren's Letter - May 25, 2013
So my darling, out of my need to know, I went to the medium. When she asked what I would like to happen, I told her, I would like to talk to you. She could have told me any number of things and I would not have known the difference but she was kind enough to tell me "Your son's energy level is very low. I'm having a hard time getting through to him. He's telling you "I'm so sorry, Mom."
Honey, I know that part of this thing we call life and death, comes a part where we need to account for our actions in this life. All of do. All of us will. But oh Daren, I don't want you to be sorry for me. I don't want you to feel guilt because of me. You see my darling, handsome son, I know you. I know you would never have done anything to intentionally hurt me. Any pain I was caused, was caused by your addiction and not by your soul, not by my son. You made me happy. You made me laugh. You made me feel secure. You made me feel loved. You don't need to feel guilt towards me honey. But if in the scope of things I need to tell you I forgive you, then my boy, I forgive you.
"He's mentioning a white rabbit," the medium said. "Do you know the significance of a white rabbit?"
Out of all of our 46 years together on this earth, you mentioned the white rabbit. Why? What is important about a white rabbit with a broken leg that you found tangled in a hedge and brought home to me. You were on your way to elementary school, when you found it. You brought it home and we took it to the vet and had its leg set. I have pondered the last ten days as to why this was so important to you; or is it because it is important to me?
During my life, I hope that I have done good deeds. I hope I have done many, but I'm not certain if any were done without some form of bitterness or complaint or "why me" attitude. The only one I can think of now that you mention it, was the white rabbit. It wasn't an inconvenience to take that white rabbit to the vet. It wasn't an inconvenience to pay $75.00 to get its leg set. It wasn't about me in anyway. It was about the white rabbit.
Were you trying to let me know that somewhere in my life, I did an unselfish deed, or were you trying to let me know how important it is to do unselfish acts. Our white rabbit will no longer just be a memory to me, Sweetheart. It will be a learning aid that I will try and use throughout the rest of my walk in this life. From this day forward, the memory of the white rabbit will become the parable of the white rabbit.
The medium didn't charge me for her intervention. "You wanted to talk to your son, and I couldn't make that happen," she said.
You weren't able to use your energy to speak with me, but you pulled as much energy as you could muster together to remind me of the white rabbit. It must be so very important.
The medium said you were surrounded by spirits that were protecting you. I don't understand what it is all about. I won't pretend to. I will take solace in knowing that wherever you are, there are those who love you enough to surround you with their love; to protect you as I would if I could be with you.
I love you Dare. I miss you more than words can say. Thank you for bringing home the white rabbit; for enabling me to do something Christ-like. "For if you have done it unto the least of these, you have done it unto me."
Sweet Peace My Darling Son.
Mom
Honey, I know that part of this thing we call life and death, comes a part where we need to account for our actions in this life. All of do. All of us will. But oh Daren, I don't want you to be sorry for me. I don't want you to feel guilt because of me. You see my darling, handsome son, I know you. I know you would never have done anything to intentionally hurt me. Any pain I was caused, was caused by your addiction and not by your soul, not by my son. You made me happy. You made me laugh. You made me feel secure. You made me feel loved. You don't need to feel guilt towards me honey. But if in the scope of things I need to tell you I forgive you, then my boy, I forgive you.
"He's mentioning a white rabbit," the medium said. "Do you know the significance of a white rabbit?"
Out of all of our 46 years together on this earth, you mentioned the white rabbit. Why? What is important about a white rabbit with a broken leg that you found tangled in a hedge and brought home to me. You were on your way to elementary school, when you found it. You brought it home and we took it to the vet and had its leg set. I have pondered the last ten days as to why this was so important to you; or is it because it is important to me?
During my life, I hope that I have done good deeds. I hope I have done many, but I'm not certain if any were done without some form of bitterness or complaint or "why me" attitude. The only one I can think of now that you mention it, was the white rabbit. It wasn't an inconvenience to take that white rabbit to the vet. It wasn't an inconvenience to pay $75.00 to get its leg set. It wasn't about me in anyway. It was about the white rabbit.
Were you trying to let me know that somewhere in my life, I did an unselfish deed, or were you trying to let me know how important it is to do unselfish acts. Our white rabbit will no longer just be a memory to me, Sweetheart. It will be a learning aid that I will try and use throughout the rest of my walk in this life. From this day forward, the memory of the white rabbit will become the parable of the white rabbit.
The medium didn't charge me for her intervention. "You wanted to talk to your son, and I couldn't make that happen," she said.
You weren't able to use your energy to speak with me, but you pulled as much energy as you could muster together to remind me of the white rabbit. It must be so very important.
The medium said you were surrounded by spirits that were protecting you. I don't understand what it is all about. I won't pretend to. I will take solace in knowing that wherever you are, there are those who love you enough to surround you with their love; to protect you as I would if I could be with you.
I love you Dare. I miss you more than words can say. Thank you for bringing home the white rabbit; for enabling me to do something Christ-like. "For if you have done it unto the least of these, you have done it unto me."
Sweet Peace My Darling Son.
Mom
Monday, May 13, 2013
Daren's Letter - May 13, 2013
Hi Sweetheart:
You've been heavy on my mind the last few days. Mother's Day was a little empty without getting your call. I miss you honey. I'm so glad I was chosen to be the one you would call Mom.
My gosh Honey we walked a bumpy road. Didn't we. Looking back and with 20/20 hindsight, had God given me the chance to bow out of the problems that your addiction presented me, I would do it all again because of the man you were beneath the addiction.
There are times my darling that I feel guilty. I know. If you were here, you would tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about. Your siblings will do the same. But all the "what ifs" seem to creep into my mind. What if...
When you moved to Alaska, I was so happy to see the pictures Haley and Jereme posted on Facebook. Pictures that showed you and your boys with your fish you'd caught. You put on weight and would joke that you were becoming a real "Whiting" because you had. And the rest of us would joke that it was time you realized what carrying extra weight was all about and be able to empathize with the rest of us. But you looked so wonderful in the pictures. Gone was the gaunt, even though your being gaunt still left you so handsome. But when you got to Alaska, you looked so healthy and happy and well. And that presents one of my "what ifs".
It was after we moved there with you, you searched out your drugs again. What if your Dad and I had not come to Alaska, had not moved in with you. Did our presence unearth feelings that you had started to bury. Was it a memory that we carried with us that would haunt you again. I know my darling boy. You are telling me "Stop it Mom." But the truth is, your emotional foundation had been weak. It had been for many years. I guess you now know the complete truth. Had we not moved to Alaska and moved in with you, would you have continued growing and holding your addiction at bay.
I can't change anything now honey. I can't change your dad dying. I can't change it was you who found him and tried to resuscitate him. I can't change a darn thing. Oh God Honey. Had it be in my power to do so, I would. I would change so much. "If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry, your grandma Sophia would say. But I can't change a thing, so I just sit here with my regrets and wonder what if.
And so to preserve my own sanity, I will sit aside my "what ifs." I will replace them with my memories. I will remember my young tow-head little boy, my handsome grown son. I will remember how much you loved me and how much I love you. I will remember how you loved my Spanish rice, lemon jello, apple cake, potatoes and onions and everything else I cooked. I will remember you telling me that you wanted me to bequeath to you my recipe box and you didn't want me to rewrite my apple cake recipe even though it was so worn it was hard to read in places. I will remember your telephone calls asking my advice on anything from doing your laundry to a girl you were dating. I remember you loved the smell of Gain laundry soap. I will remember your words of wisdom you handed down to your sons. "Wrap your hammer before you slam her." That one is a classic along with your teaching Vinnie the secret to a good worker is "head down, ass up" because that is how a real hole was dug.
I'll recall your taking me out to dinner at the Italian Restaurant on College Road and how you ate my pasta and I ate your beets.
I'll remember how long it took you to shower. (That you passed on to your sons.) And how good you always smelled.
I'll remember your quick wit. And I will remember how much you loved your family. I will remember your blue Chevy truck and hunting elk up Dry Fork Canyon.
I will be happy that everyone of our telephone calls were ended with you saying "I love you, Mom." and my saying "I love you."
I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always. Forever and ever my baby you'll be.
I'm glad you have peace now my darling boy.
Mom.
You've been heavy on my mind the last few days. Mother's Day was a little empty without getting your call. I miss you honey. I'm so glad I was chosen to be the one you would call Mom.
My gosh Honey we walked a bumpy road. Didn't we. Looking back and with 20/20 hindsight, had God given me the chance to bow out of the problems that your addiction presented me, I would do it all again because of the man you were beneath the addiction.
There are times my darling that I feel guilty. I know. If you were here, you would tell me I have nothing to feel guilty about. Your siblings will do the same. But all the "what ifs" seem to creep into my mind. What if...
When you moved to Alaska, I was so happy to see the pictures Haley and Jereme posted on Facebook. Pictures that showed you and your boys with your fish you'd caught. You put on weight and would joke that you were becoming a real "Whiting" because you had. And the rest of us would joke that it was time you realized what carrying extra weight was all about and be able to empathize with the rest of us. But you looked so wonderful in the pictures. Gone was the gaunt, even though your being gaunt still left you so handsome. But when you got to Alaska, you looked so healthy and happy and well. And that presents one of my "what ifs".
It was after we moved there with you, you searched out your drugs again. What if your Dad and I had not come to Alaska, had not moved in with you. Did our presence unearth feelings that you had started to bury. Was it a memory that we carried with us that would haunt you again. I know my darling boy. You are telling me "Stop it Mom." But the truth is, your emotional foundation had been weak. It had been for many years. I guess you now know the complete truth. Had we not moved to Alaska and moved in with you, would you have continued growing and holding your addiction at bay.
I can't change anything now honey. I can't change your dad dying. I can't change it was you who found him and tried to resuscitate him. I can't change a darn thing. Oh God Honey. Had it be in my power to do so, I would. I would change so much. "If wishes were fishes, we'd all have a fry, your grandma Sophia would say. But I can't change a thing, so I just sit here with my regrets and wonder what if.
And so to preserve my own sanity, I will sit aside my "what ifs." I will replace them with my memories. I will remember my young tow-head little boy, my handsome grown son. I will remember how much you loved me and how much I love you. I will remember how you loved my Spanish rice, lemon jello, apple cake, potatoes and onions and everything else I cooked. I will remember you telling me that you wanted me to bequeath to you my recipe box and you didn't want me to rewrite my apple cake recipe even though it was so worn it was hard to read in places. I will remember your telephone calls asking my advice on anything from doing your laundry to a girl you were dating. I remember you loved the smell of Gain laundry soap. I will remember your words of wisdom you handed down to your sons. "Wrap your hammer before you slam her." That one is a classic along with your teaching Vinnie the secret to a good worker is "head down, ass up" because that is how a real hole was dug.
I'll recall your taking me out to dinner at the Italian Restaurant on College Road and how you ate my pasta and I ate your beets.
I'll remember how long it took you to shower. (That you passed on to your sons.) And how good you always smelled.
I'll remember your quick wit. And I will remember how much you loved your family. I will remember your blue Chevy truck and hunting elk up Dry Fork Canyon.
I will be happy that everyone of our telephone calls were ended with you saying "I love you, Mom." and my saying "I love you."
I'll love you forever, I'll love you for always. Forever and ever my baby you'll be.
I'm glad you have peace now my darling boy.
Mom.
Monday, May 6, 2013
A Letter to Danny - May 6, 2013
Hi Honey:
It's one of those days. I got up and got busy believing it would make me feel better, but guess what honey. Some days that just doesn't work. So I rely on what I've always relied on...my writing and you.
I went to your nephew's wedding reception on Saturday. I signed the card Danny and Susie Whiting. It will always be Danny and Susie Whiting, Honey. You are still linked to me with a fine silver filament. When I close my eyes, I can almost see it linking your soul with mine.
It's springtime here. The blossoms are out and green is taking over. Rainee and I drove to Heber last week. We went to the cemetery and I showed her where we will be laid to rest. Unfortunately, my darling, you will not find rest until I am laid with you. We are having our headstone set and Daren's also. He will be next to us. I knew in my heart Honey that is how it would be. There would be you and our son and myself. Although your urn sits on my dresser next to my bed, and although Daren's is in Alaska with his boys, we will go ahead and have the headstones set so our children will have a place to go when they want a place to place flowers or send off balloons or simply sit on the grass and talk to you and Daren. Then when the day comes that I'm allowed to come to you, our children will bury us together.
I remember as a child, I was afraid of death. The thought of the world coming to an end, was a constant threat to my mind. With age, Honey and with love that is not the case anymore. Now, it seems as though this place called life is so long; so long until I'm with you again.
I had a talk with Mark the other day. I told him, "Honey, I think when your dad passed away, you and I were thinking with our emotions instead of with our minds. At the time your dad left, what would you have thought had I came to you and said 'What do you think of my living with you for the next fourteen years? For it might be I live that long.' At the time, I don't think you and I were thinking of what we were setting you and your family up for. Honey, my living with you and your family is not set in stone. I can make other arrangements."
And our son told me I thought too much. He told me it wouldn't have mattered had I told him that or not that I would still be welcomed in his home. How blessed I am to have such a son here with me.
Then my darling I remember my last conversation with you. I told you when I got back to Alaska from Utah, I would find us our own place to live. I worried we were taking too much of an advantage with Daren. You told me on our last talk, "Don't worry. A lot of things can happen between now and then." Did you somehow know you wouldn't be there when I returned home. Did you somehow know that in a short year later, Daren would not be there either?
Perhaps Mark is right. Perhaps I do think too much. I've always liked having things in order and perhaps what I've learned is that "my order" might not be God's.
So for now my love, I am going to take things a day at a time. I don't know what will come to be tomorrow or next month or next year. I really have no control after all. The river of life continues to flow. Sometimes I float in a gentle current, softly and smoothly and then, I hit the white caps and all I can do is hold on tight, pray and try to keep my faith. I am thankful I have had you and our children to keep me in the raft.
I miss you Honey. If you were here today, we would get in the car, stop and get a Pepsi and go for a drive up the canyon. We wouldn't go fast. We would pull to the side of the road and let those in a hurry pass us by and then continue as I would hear you say, "They are in such a hurry, they don't see anything." And it would be true, for it would be you that spotted the deer, or elk or woodchucks. You would see a dried tree stump and picture what you would be able to chainsaw carve out of it. We would find a place to pull over and roll down the windows and smell the pine or sage. Now that you are gone Honey, I try to make a point to look at life the way you did. I try not to hurry so quickly I miss what is going on around me.
Friday, Mark said he wished he had you and Daren to talk to. He wanted to talk to you and Dare about the work he had lined up. I recognize how hard it is on him not to have you and Daren around. When push came to shove, he always knew he had his dad and brother at his back.
Thank you Honey for listening to me. You've done a lot of that in our lifetimes haven't you? I miss you honey and I love you with all my heart.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
It's one of those days. I got up and got busy believing it would make me feel better, but guess what honey. Some days that just doesn't work. So I rely on what I've always relied on...my writing and you.
I went to your nephew's wedding reception on Saturday. I signed the card Danny and Susie Whiting. It will always be Danny and Susie Whiting, Honey. You are still linked to me with a fine silver filament. When I close my eyes, I can almost see it linking your soul with mine.
It's springtime here. The blossoms are out and green is taking over. Rainee and I drove to Heber last week. We went to the cemetery and I showed her where we will be laid to rest. Unfortunately, my darling, you will not find rest until I am laid with you. We are having our headstone set and Daren's also. He will be next to us. I knew in my heart Honey that is how it would be. There would be you and our son and myself. Although your urn sits on my dresser next to my bed, and although Daren's is in Alaska with his boys, we will go ahead and have the headstones set so our children will have a place to go when they want a place to place flowers or send off balloons or simply sit on the grass and talk to you and Daren. Then when the day comes that I'm allowed to come to you, our children will bury us together.
I remember as a child, I was afraid of death. The thought of the world coming to an end, was a constant threat to my mind. With age, Honey and with love that is not the case anymore. Now, it seems as though this place called life is so long; so long until I'm with you again.
I had a talk with Mark the other day. I told him, "Honey, I think when your dad passed away, you and I were thinking with our emotions instead of with our minds. At the time your dad left, what would you have thought had I came to you and said 'What do you think of my living with you for the next fourteen years? For it might be I live that long.' At the time, I don't think you and I were thinking of what we were setting you and your family up for. Honey, my living with you and your family is not set in stone. I can make other arrangements."
And our son told me I thought too much. He told me it wouldn't have mattered had I told him that or not that I would still be welcomed in his home. How blessed I am to have such a son here with me.
Then my darling I remember my last conversation with you. I told you when I got back to Alaska from Utah, I would find us our own place to live. I worried we were taking too much of an advantage with Daren. You told me on our last talk, "Don't worry. A lot of things can happen between now and then." Did you somehow know you wouldn't be there when I returned home. Did you somehow know that in a short year later, Daren would not be there either?
Perhaps Mark is right. Perhaps I do think too much. I've always liked having things in order and perhaps what I've learned is that "my order" might not be God's.
So for now my love, I am going to take things a day at a time. I don't know what will come to be tomorrow or next month or next year. I really have no control after all. The river of life continues to flow. Sometimes I float in a gentle current, softly and smoothly and then, I hit the white caps and all I can do is hold on tight, pray and try to keep my faith. I am thankful I have had you and our children to keep me in the raft.
I miss you Honey. If you were here today, we would get in the car, stop and get a Pepsi and go for a drive up the canyon. We wouldn't go fast. We would pull to the side of the road and let those in a hurry pass us by and then continue as I would hear you say, "They are in such a hurry, they don't see anything." And it would be true, for it would be you that spotted the deer, or elk or woodchucks. You would see a dried tree stump and picture what you would be able to chainsaw carve out of it. We would find a place to pull over and roll down the windows and smell the pine or sage. Now that you are gone Honey, I try to make a point to look at life the way you did. I try not to hurry so quickly I miss what is going on around me.
Friday, Mark said he wished he had you and Daren to talk to. He wanted to talk to you and Dare about the work he had lined up. I recognize how hard it is on him not to have you and Daren around. When push came to shove, he always knew he had his dad and brother at his back.
Thank you Honey for listening to me. You've done a lot of that in our lifetimes haven't you? I miss you honey and I love you with all my heart.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
A Letter to Danny - April 16, 2013
Hi Honey:
Everyone has gone to bed as I sit here thinking about you. I haven't felt well the last few days, and not feeling well reminds me of you. It's funny all the things that make me think of you.
When you were with me and I didn't feel well you would say "Can I get you anything?" and I would say "No. I'm fine."
Then you would say "Why is it you can always get things for me when I don't feel good, but I can never get anything for you?" I tried to explain honey, that as a girl growing up, my mom had to work during the days. In my teenage years, it was just she and I at home, so if I wasn't feeling good, I had to get for myself because there was no one else there. Now as I sit here, I realize that perhaps I made you feel I didn't need you and Honey that is so far from the truth.
Knowing that you slept beside me brought me comfort. Knowing you were there if I really needed you, brought me peace.
Some might find it hard to believe that the sound of your snoring was such a good sound to me. For so many years when we were younger, you struggled sleeping at night. So when we got older and I would hear you snoring, it was like music to me. I knew you were resting and so I could too.
Tonight, my love, how I wish you were here with me. If you would ask me if I needed anything, I would find a list. But since you can't be with me, I will write this letter to you. Because when I write to you, I am with you again. Talking to you as if you sat beside me. Cry knowing that you would wipe my tears.
When I lost you Honey, I knew you were gone. But with Daren, I can't wrap my mind around his leaving.
With you, it seems I cried for weeks, missing you so bad. With Daren, it's like so often I refuse to believe he's not here so I don't cry, until the tears build up to over-flowing. Honey, is it because a child is not suppose to go before his mom?
The only comfort I have Honey, is knowing he is there with you and you are there with him. But then my love, you have always been there for him.
So as I sit here tonight with my medicine beside me, should I by chance here you whisper "Can I do something for you?" I would say "Yes, Honey. Keep taking care of our boy for me. Keep knowing how very much I love you and tell him that his mom loves him so much. Find time to stay beside me and if by chance you can, let me know you are here. When I fall to sleep tonight, let me hear you snore in my dreams."
I love you Honey with all my heart and I will
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
WWAPSWAKGBTOWOT (Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. God bless the one who opens this.)
Everyone has gone to bed as I sit here thinking about you. I haven't felt well the last few days, and not feeling well reminds me of you. It's funny all the things that make me think of you.
When you were with me and I didn't feel well you would say "Can I get you anything?" and I would say "No. I'm fine."
Then you would say "Why is it you can always get things for me when I don't feel good, but I can never get anything for you?" I tried to explain honey, that as a girl growing up, my mom had to work during the days. In my teenage years, it was just she and I at home, so if I wasn't feeling good, I had to get for myself because there was no one else there. Now as I sit here, I realize that perhaps I made you feel I didn't need you and Honey that is so far from the truth.
Knowing that you slept beside me brought me comfort. Knowing you were there if I really needed you, brought me peace.
Some might find it hard to believe that the sound of your snoring was such a good sound to me. For so many years when we were younger, you struggled sleeping at night. So when we got older and I would hear you snoring, it was like music to me. I knew you were resting and so I could too.
Tonight, my love, how I wish you were here with me. If you would ask me if I needed anything, I would find a list. But since you can't be with me, I will write this letter to you. Because when I write to you, I am with you again. Talking to you as if you sat beside me. Cry knowing that you would wipe my tears.
When I lost you Honey, I knew you were gone. But with Daren, I can't wrap my mind around his leaving.
With you, it seems I cried for weeks, missing you so bad. With Daren, it's like so often I refuse to believe he's not here so I don't cry, until the tears build up to over-flowing. Honey, is it because a child is not suppose to go before his mom?
The only comfort I have Honey, is knowing he is there with you and you are there with him. But then my love, you have always been there for him.
So as I sit here tonight with my medicine beside me, should I by chance here you whisper "Can I do something for you?" I would say "Yes, Honey. Keep taking care of our boy for me. Keep knowing how very much I love you and tell him that his mom loves him so much. Find time to stay beside me and if by chance you can, let me know you are here. When I fall to sleep tonight, let me hear you snore in my dreams."
I love you Honey with all my heart and I will
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
WWAPSWAKGBTOWOT (Written with a pen. Sealed with a kiss. God bless the one who opens this.)
Monday, April 8, 2013
Daren's Letter - April 8, 2013
Hi Honey:
I sat in the dark last night, with my computer on my lap, looking at your picture. It was your eyes that kept me drawn in. I felt perhaps if I looked in them long enough and hard enough, I would see you smile at me, that perhaps you wouldn't be gone.
I do that sometimes honey. I guess its self preservation, or something. I think in my mind "He's not really dead. He's just at home." And then the reality shines through and I know you're not home; not in Alaska anyway. With that realization comes the pain and when it strikes, I pick up my Kindle and I start to read. A few nights ago, I read an entire book throughout the night to ward off the hurt. So I read, and while I read my mind doesn't let me remember you and your dad are gone. Then, it all builds up, like a pressure cooker that has reached the point where if steam isn't released, it will blow apart. The tears start, and my heart breaks.
"Get hold of yourself," I tell myself. "Do you think you're the only one who's lost ones they love? It happens everyday. It has happened since the beginning of time and it will happen until time as we know it ends. You shouldn't be causing your children to worry about you. That's not right for you to do."
"I know," I tell myself. "That's why I wait until it's dark; when they are all asleep."
"You really think they don't know? You think they don't see the difference? You're an adult, Susie. You need to pull yourself together. You know what Danny would say 'Get up and get busy. It will make you feel better'. Do what you need to do for yourself to pull yourself together."
So I listen to myself be chastised by myself then reach over and pick up my Kindle.
I know I'll make it through this. I will for your sons and for your siblings. I don't know how long it's going to take. I need to stop being wrapped up in me, for I know if someone is wrapped up in themselves, they make a very small package.
So I sit down at my computer and I write. I write letters to you or to your dad, for right now, I can't seem to write anything else, and for me, writing is my coping mechanism.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I miss your dad so much. Life seems so long today.
Mom
I sat in the dark last night, with my computer on my lap, looking at your picture. It was your eyes that kept me drawn in. I felt perhaps if I looked in them long enough and hard enough, I would see you smile at me, that perhaps you wouldn't be gone.
I do that sometimes honey. I guess its self preservation, or something. I think in my mind "He's not really dead. He's just at home." And then the reality shines through and I know you're not home; not in Alaska anyway. With that realization comes the pain and when it strikes, I pick up my Kindle and I start to read. A few nights ago, I read an entire book throughout the night to ward off the hurt. So I read, and while I read my mind doesn't let me remember you and your dad are gone. Then, it all builds up, like a pressure cooker that has reached the point where if steam isn't released, it will blow apart. The tears start, and my heart breaks.
"Get hold of yourself," I tell myself. "Do you think you're the only one who's lost ones they love? It happens everyday. It has happened since the beginning of time and it will happen until time as we know it ends. You shouldn't be causing your children to worry about you. That's not right for you to do."
"I know," I tell myself. "That's why I wait until it's dark; when they are all asleep."
"You really think they don't know? You think they don't see the difference? You're an adult, Susie. You need to pull yourself together. You know what Danny would say 'Get up and get busy. It will make you feel better'. Do what you need to do for yourself to pull yourself together."
So I listen to myself be chastised by myself then reach over and pick up my Kindle.
I know I'll make it through this. I will for your sons and for your siblings. I don't know how long it's going to take. I need to stop being wrapped up in me, for I know if someone is wrapped up in themselves, they make a very small package.
So I sit down at my computer and I write. I write letters to you or to your dad, for right now, I can't seem to write anything else, and for me, writing is my coping mechanism.
I love you honey. I miss you so much. I miss your dad so much. Life seems so long today.
Mom
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
A Letter to Danny - April 2, 2013
Hi Honey:
I was just sitting here thinking. You know me, I do a lot of thinking. My thoughts took me into the past, as it's where the most important part of my life lies now. I thought about boyfriends I had when I was young. I had a few. There was Alan Staker, David Broadbent, Jimmy Hout, Larry Hansen, Mickey Merchant and a few others. They were the stepping stones, leading me to you. For you see Honey, I had a few boyfriends, but I only had one love. My one love of my life was you. Boyfriends and "The love of your life" are as different as night and day. The love of your life is the one you cannot fathom being without, the one who not only holds your heart, but also a part of your soul.
Times have changed since you and I were young. Now, in this day, living together is the norm. Marriage has been put on the back burner. It's not for me to judge it this is right or wrong, but if I could tell our children or grandchildren anything I have learned in this life, it would be this.
"If you make the decision to live with someone, be as committed to that person as if you had a marriage certificate tucked away in a cedar smelling chest. If you are choosing to live with someone, make certain that person is the kind of person you would want to share your entire life with. Please don't use "living together" as a means to having a back door, an escape route when things get tough or when angers flare, or when problems of life arise that needs to be worked out. Make certain the person you are choosing to live with is the type of person you would want to be the parent to your children, grandparent to your grandchildren. For you see. Falling in love is a temporary insanity. It is after that temporary insanity wears off, that true love sets in. True love is the kind of love that will see you both through whatever life throws at you. True love means you will stand by this person and he/she will stand by you for better or worse, through sickness or through health, rather you are rich or poor. That you will stick by that person when age creeps around the corner, robbing him/her of youth, beauty, grace. That when the skin has wrinkled and gravity takes control, and perhaps when the mind is lost to the past, when health requires a wheel chair or feeding tubes, you will look at that person and still see the love of your life. If the person you are with is not the one that you would commit yourself wholly too, then perhaps it is not wise to live together. Perhaps it would be the wiser to wait for the one you would be willing to marry rather you married them or not."
As for me my darling, I would rather have had one true love, one love of my life, that to have a hundred substitutes. And that I had in you.
You know how many times I think of you throughout the day. You can hear me say "I love you, Danny" as I'm doing the dishes, or folding clothes, or driving in the car. Sometimes without even thinking, those words escape my mouth. I know then that you are so imbedded in my being, so deeply a part of me, that telling you I love you is as much a part of me as breathing.
I love you Honey, and will
Far beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
I was just sitting here thinking. You know me, I do a lot of thinking. My thoughts took me into the past, as it's where the most important part of my life lies now. I thought about boyfriends I had when I was young. I had a few. There was Alan Staker, David Broadbent, Jimmy Hout, Larry Hansen, Mickey Merchant and a few others. They were the stepping stones, leading me to you. For you see Honey, I had a few boyfriends, but I only had one love. My one love of my life was you. Boyfriends and "The love of your life" are as different as night and day. The love of your life is the one you cannot fathom being without, the one who not only holds your heart, but also a part of your soul.
Times have changed since you and I were young. Now, in this day, living together is the norm. Marriage has been put on the back burner. It's not for me to judge it this is right or wrong, but if I could tell our children or grandchildren anything I have learned in this life, it would be this.
"If you make the decision to live with someone, be as committed to that person as if you had a marriage certificate tucked away in a cedar smelling chest. If you are choosing to live with someone, make certain that person is the kind of person you would want to share your entire life with. Please don't use "living together" as a means to having a back door, an escape route when things get tough or when angers flare, or when problems of life arise that needs to be worked out. Make certain the person you are choosing to live with is the type of person you would want to be the parent to your children, grandparent to your grandchildren. For you see. Falling in love is a temporary insanity. It is after that temporary insanity wears off, that true love sets in. True love is the kind of love that will see you both through whatever life throws at you. True love means you will stand by this person and he/she will stand by you for better or worse, through sickness or through health, rather you are rich or poor. That you will stick by that person when age creeps around the corner, robbing him/her of youth, beauty, grace. That when the skin has wrinkled and gravity takes control, and perhaps when the mind is lost to the past, when health requires a wheel chair or feeding tubes, you will look at that person and still see the love of your life. If the person you are with is not the one that you would commit yourself wholly too, then perhaps it is not wise to live together. Perhaps it would be the wiser to wait for the one you would be willing to marry rather you married them or not."
As for me my darling, I would rather have had one true love, one love of my life, that to have a hundred substitutes. And that I had in you.
You know how many times I think of you throughout the day. You can hear me say "I love you, Danny" as I'm doing the dishes, or folding clothes, or driving in the car. Sometimes without even thinking, those words escape my mouth. I know then that you are so imbedded in my being, so deeply a part of me, that telling you I love you is as much a part of me as breathing.
I love you Honey, and will
Far beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
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