Hello Honey:
I think a long time ago in the pre-existence, you made the decision to leave this earth before our son did. I don't know for certain if it was to be there to meet him, or if it was because you knew I would find comfort in knowing you and he are together.
Did you know honey that over the past month and a half, I have found such comfort in you. I know that I can't see you or hear you, but I know as certainly as I breathe that you are still such a part of me. Perhaps its because there is still a silver thread, a fine transluscent filament that is unseen by human eyes, that connects my heart with yours.
I can hear you whisper words of love at one moment and then hear you tell me to get up and get busy, that it will make me feel better the next.
Did you know honey? Could you have imagined that when you were here giving out usually unwelcomed bits of wisdom to us; me and your children, that when you would leave this rhelm, that wisdom would see us through some pretty difficult times.
"Awareness to life is the secret to life," you would tell us. I would smile knowing that if that were true, you should be able to know where you had laid your glasses or your Copenhagen. But with those words of yours ringing in my head, I find myself looking closer at this thing called life. I try to notice the geese on wing, or the color of the sky. I look closer at the faces I meet and the places I go all because of you.
At night when I miss you and Daren so much, I hear you tell me to get some sleep that things will look better in the morning. Last night as I turned off my light, I hope you heard me whisper "I'm so glad Danny loved me."
Every day, I pray to my God and I talk to you, confident that my prayers and talks are heard by you both. With this knowledge, I find the strength I need.
No one knows me like you do honey. No one except you truly knows my strengths, my weaknesses, my insecurities, and my flaws. And because you know me so well, you know that writing is my escape. So when life feels like its closing in on me, I write. So I write to you, because in my writing I can tell you how I feel and then I can let what I feel escape and fade into the universe.
So when I write how much I love and miss you and let it release into the air, capture my words and feelings. Place them in the pocket of your shirt and carry them with you.
I love you Danny and I will
Far Beyond the 12th of Never.
Susie
Tuesday, March 19, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 19, 2013
Hello Honey:
Bit by bit, little by little, the grief takes over. I wake up in the morning and work my way through the day. I put one foot in front of the other and listen as I hear myself speak. I feel my smiles spread and hear laughter that I claim as my own. I think of you hundreds of times a day and with each pain, I swallow it away; bury it down inside me. There are so many memories that create that pain. I know that one day those same memories will make me smile, but right now, your loss is still so new.
I was just getting able to breathe again after losing your dad. It had been a year, and I had walked through a lot of my memories of him. I had watched the changing of the seasons; winter to spring, spring to summer, summer to fall and fall back to winter once again. Each season brought with it a bundle; memories that floated to the surface like steam from a hot tub. I'd relive the events that had given birth to those memories and would feel the knife of grief twist a little in my heart. Just part of the grieving process I told myself. I knew it would never stop, for after all, I had loved him for fifty years and would probably only have another twenty to make my way through all my recollections of those times. But I could do it, if for no other reason than I had you and your siblings who I needed to live on for, to smile for, to laugh for.
And now my boy, you are gone. I had loved you for forty-five years, one month and 18 days. Forty-five years, one month and 18 days worth of memories. I have started the seasons once again. Winter to spring.
But my darling boy, I would do it all again. I would go through this period of pain to have had you in my life for that time, for I cannot fathom my life without you. To not have had my time with you, is something I cannot even imagine. There was such a tremendously amount of wonderful in my being your mom.
The hurt builds up inside me. Each time I can't hear you say "I love you, Mom", or hear your laugh, or have you tell me your dreams or schemes, causes the pressure of the volcano to build until a day like today comes and it erupts, leaving me shaking and torn.
So I sit down and write you a letter. It's my way. Remember the dreaded letters I use to write to you and your siblings. When I had become upset by something one of you did I would write you a letter and usually leave it on your pillow. I wasn't stupid honey. If I wrote you, you couldn't argue with me. So I write you now honey. I write you to tell you I love you, I miss you, I forgive you, and i'm so glad you are my son.
Take care of your dad for me until I'm with you again.
I love you honey.
Mom.
Bit by bit, little by little, the grief takes over. I wake up in the morning and work my way through the day. I put one foot in front of the other and listen as I hear myself speak. I feel my smiles spread and hear laughter that I claim as my own. I think of you hundreds of times a day and with each pain, I swallow it away; bury it down inside me. There are so many memories that create that pain. I know that one day those same memories will make me smile, but right now, your loss is still so new.
I was just getting able to breathe again after losing your dad. It had been a year, and I had walked through a lot of my memories of him. I had watched the changing of the seasons; winter to spring, spring to summer, summer to fall and fall back to winter once again. Each season brought with it a bundle; memories that floated to the surface like steam from a hot tub. I'd relive the events that had given birth to those memories and would feel the knife of grief twist a little in my heart. Just part of the grieving process I told myself. I knew it would never stop, for after all, I had loved him for fifty years and would probably only have another twenty to make my way through all my recollections of those times. But I could do it, if for no other reason than I had you and your siblings who I needed to live on for, to smile for, to laugh for.
And now my boy, you are gone. I had loved you for forty-five years, one month and 18 days. Forty-five years, one month and 18 days worth of memories. I have started the seasons once again. Winter to spring.
But my darling boy, I would do it all again. I would go through this period of pain to have had you in my life for that time, for I cannot fathom my life without you. To not have had my time with you, is something I cannot even imagine. There was such a tremendously amount of wonderful in my being your mom.
The hurt builds up inside me. Each time I can't hear you say "I love you, Mom", or hear your laugh, or have you tell me your dreams or schemes, causes the pressure of the volcano to build until a day like today comes and it erupts, leaving me shaking and torn.
So I sit down and write you a letter. It's my way. Remember the dreaded letters I use to write to you and your siblings. When I had become upset by something one of you did I would write you a letter and usually leave it on your pillow. I wasn't stupid honey. If I wrote you, you couldn't argue with me. So I write you now honey. I write you to tell you I love you, I miss you, I forgive you, and i'm so glad you are my son.
Take care of your dad for me until I'm with you again.
I love you honey.
Mom.
Thursday, March 14, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 14, 2013
Hello Honey:
I wonder what you are doing where you are at. Are you in a healing process where your spirit is recovering from all you went through when you werre here? Are you reviewing your life's journey and judging yourself from what you see? Do you feel pain when you witness the pain you caused? Does your spirit rejoice in all the joy you brought to this life with you? I wonder where you are.
I'm still your Mom, honey. I still think of you, worry about you and love you unconditionally. I hope you are happy. I hope you are peaceful.
Here, life goes on without you. It doesn't seem right that it does, but the days come and the days go and I breathe in and I breathe out. I feel the air enter my body and seem to feel some of it escape from the hole in my heart, in my spirit that was left when you passed.
I was with your boys yesterday. We went about the business of life without you. We went to the Permanent Fund Office and they applied for their Alaska dividends and for yours. There was a guy in there yelling at one of the clerks. He had a felony and was angry he wasn't getting his dividends. When we left the office, Christian commented on how stupid this guy was; stupid for getting a felony and stupid for trying to blame someone else for his bad behavior. I was proud of him for recognizing that.
Vince told Christian to call home and tell Hunter to make sure to get the dishes done, that they were going grocery shopping and wanted to be able to come home and put things away in a clean kitchen. I was proud of him for wanting this.
You did so much right in your life my dear son, inspite of the demons you battled dailey and that rightness is reflected in your boys. No sweetheart, they are not perfect. There will be times when they stumble, fall on their faces and need to rise once again, dust themselves off, and begin anew. But my dear one, you have taught them to get back up.
I can't promise you I will always be there for them, but I will promise you I will always try. I can promise you that I will love them unconditionally, as I have loved you. And I promise you when they need someone in their corner or at their backs, a Whiting will be there.
Life will never be the same again without you. It will never be quite as happy again. But we'll live on. That is what we must do and that is what you would want us to do. Perhaps life will seem more gray. It lacks the color you brought with your living.
I hope when you review your life, you will be reminded of a mother that loved you wholly. One that was given joy by your living. Given laughter by your antics. Given pride by your heart. Don't cry for me darling. I have enough tear for the both of us.
Send me your whispers on the breeze, your laughter in a song, your love with a kiss on my cheek. I will sit quiet and listen for you.
I love you honey.
Mom
I wonder what you are doing where you are at. Are you in a healing process where your spirit is recovering from all you went through when you werre here? Are you reviewing your life's journey and judging yourself from what you see? Do you feel pain when you witness the pain you caused? Does your spirit rejoice in all the joy you brought to this life with you? I wonder where you are.
I'm still your Mom, honey. I still think of you, worry about you and love you unconditionally. I hope you are happy. I hope you are peaceful.
Here, life goes on without you. It doesn't seem right that it does, but the days come and the days go and I breathe in and I breathe out. I feel the air enter my body and seem to feel some of it escape from the hole in my heart, in my spirit that was left when you passed.
I was with your boys yesterday. We went about the business of life without you. We went to the Permanent Fund Office and they applied for their Alaska dividends and for yours. There was a guy in there yelling at one of the clerks. He had a felony and was angry he wasn't getting his dividends. When we left the office, Christian commented on how stupid this guy was; stupid for getting a felony and stupid for trying to blame someone else for his bad behavior. I was proud of him for recognizing that.
Vince told Christian to call home and tell Hunter to make sure to get the dishes done, that they were going grocery shopping and wanted to be able to come home and put things away in a clean kitchen. I was proud of him for wanting this.
You did so much right in your life my dear son, inspite of the demons you battled dailey and that rightness is reflected in your boys. No sweetheart, they are not perfect. There will be times when they stumble, fall on their faces and need to rise once again, dust themselves off, and begin anew. But my dear one, you have taught them to get back up.
I can't promise you I will always be there for them, but I will promise you I will always try. I can promise you that I will love them unconditionally, as I have loved you. And I promise you when they need someone in their corner or at their backs, a Whiting will be there.
Life will never be the same again without you. It will never be quite as happy again. But we'll live on. That is what we must do and that is what you would want us to do. Perhaps life will seem more gray. It lacks the color you brought with your living.
I hope when you review your life, you will be reminded of a mother that loved you wholly. One that was given joy by your living. Given laughter by your antics. Given pride by your heart. Don't cry for me darling. I have enough tear for the both of us.
Send me your whispers on the breeze, your laughter in a song, your love with a kiss on my cheek. I will sit quiet and listen for you.
I love you honey.
Mom
Sunday, March 10, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 10, 2013
Hi Honey:
I wish I knew where you were and what you are doing. You know me, honey. If I know where my all my family is, then I can rest.
What is it you do there in that new dimension? Are you taking your contractor's classes like you wanted to take here on earth, but that your drugs kept interferring with? You had so many dreams while you were living, and each one of them were so worthy. You wanted to get your contractor's license here in Alaska and start a business with your boys. Remember honey, I was going to come up and see that all the legal steps were put in place so you and Vinnie could get it going this year. You had an in-family bookkeeper.
I was hopeful but yet, I was also realistic, honey. I could see you fulfilling your dreams had it been only you, but you had a silent partner in your life. One that would keep pulling the rug out from under you and cause your good intentions to come crashing down around you.
My son, could do anything. You were smart and handsome and charismatic. Your dreams were not unrealistic and I knew you had whatever it took to make them come true. But then my darling boy, there was your alter-ego. Daren on drugs. That was the one that made the rules by which you would live by. That was the evil step child that would smash your dreams apart, that would unravel all you tried to build. It was a selfish one. It didn't care if it robbed my son of his time with his boys. It didn't care if it ripped lives apart and broke hearts. Addiction doesn't care about anyone but itself.
In my mind, I see you as you are now; where you are now. I see you happy, healthy and released of your demons. I can see my son, the same one I glimpsed when you were able to be yourself while here beside me.
For this moment in time my darling boy, I will be happy for you. I will be happy you are there being all that you can be. I will be happy that you are happy, that you have peace, that you are there with your dad, that you have a perfect understanding of everything. But it will only be for this moment in time though, honey. For I know it is just a matter of minutes that I will be missing you so much. I will be missing taking you out a loaf of my hot home baked bread. I will be missing hearing your voice on the phone. I will be missing your antics and your laughter and your dreaming of what might have been. Yes, my darling boy, I will even be missing lecturing you on not letting your drugs take control. I will miss everything and everything that has to do with my boy, my son, because I love you so much. I do know one thing my love. I know that love doesn't die. It doesn't die with death. Death robbed me of you, but it did not rob me of my love for you. It will live forever.
So, to keep my sanity, I will picture you. I will picture that you are not dead, but just away for a while. I will picture you in this place...this wonderful place where you are living up to your potential. I will picture you playing in the dirt with a backhoe, trackhoe, or hand shovel. I will picture you with your safety vest on and your hard hat too. Your levis will be dusty and your work boots will be worn. I can see you and your dad standing there arguing. He is saying there is no way the boring tool will come out on the other side of the road where it is suppose to because you lined it up with the left-handed part of your brain and he can only see through his right-handed part. I can almost feel the ground shake underneath my own feet as the tool makes its way across the road and comes out exactly where it is suppose to come out at. I can picture you telling your dad "I told you so, Pops." Then, in my vision, I see your dad place his hand on your shoulder...just place his hand on your shoulder and you know in that instant how very much he loves you and how proud he is of you.
I will play this movie in my mind and for a moment, it will make me happy. I will think you and he are just away for a little while and soon you will be back home again. Home in time for dinner. Then, I will come back into the present and realize two chairs will be left empty around the dinner table.
Be happy honey. If there's a chance you can let me know you are okay and close by, let me know. Okay?
Tell your dad I miss him and love him and I look forward to the day when I will be with you both again.
I love you.
Mom
I wish I knew where you were and what you are doing. You know me, honey. If I know where my all my family is, then I can rest.
What is it you do there in that new dimension? Are you taking your contractor's classes like you wanted to take here on earth, but that your drugs kept interferring with? You had so many dreams while you were living, and each one of them were so worthy. You wanted to get your contractor's license here in Alaska and start a business with your boys. Remember honey, I was going to come up and see that all the legal steps were put in place so you and Vinnie could get it going this year. You had an in-family bookkeeper.
I was hopeful but yet, I was also realistic, honey. I could see you fulfilling your dreams had it been only you, but you had a silent partner in your life. One that would keep pulling the rug out from under you and cause your good intentions to come crashing down around you.
My son, could do anything. You were smart and handsome and charismatic. Your dreams were not unrealistic and I knew you had whatever it took to make them come true. But then my darling boy, there was your alter-ego. Daren on drugs. That was the one that made the rules by which you would live by. That was the evil step child that would smash your dreams apart, that would unravel all you tried to build. It was a selfish one. It didn't care if it robbed my son of his time with his boys. It didn't care if it ripped lives apart and broke hearts. Addiction doesn't care about anyone but itself.
In my mind, I see you as you are now; where you are now. I see you happy, healthy and released of your demons. I can see my son, the same one I glimpsed when you were able to be yourself while here beside me.
For this moment in time my darling boy, I will be happy for you. I will be happy you are there being all that you can be. I will be happy that you are happy, that you have peace, that you are there with your dad, that you have a perfect understanding of everything. But it will only be for this moment in time though, honey. For I know it is just a matter of minutes that I will be missing you so much. I will be missing taking you out a loaf of my hot home baked bread. I will be missing hearing your voice on the phone. I will be missing your antics and your laughter and your dreaming of what might have been. Yes, my darling boy, I will even be missing lecturing you on not letting your drugs take control. I will miss everything and everything that has to do with my boy, my son, because I love you so much. I do know one thing my love. I know that love doesn't die. It doesn't die with death. Death robbed me of you, but it did not rob me of my love for you. It will live forever.
So, to keep my sanity, I will picture you. I will picture that you are not dead, but just away for a while. I will picture you in this place...this wonderful place where you are living up to your potential. I will picture you playing in the dirt with a backhoe, trackhoe, or hand shovel. I will picture you with your safety vest on and your hard hat too. Your levis will be dusty and your work boots will be worn. I can see you and your dad standing there arguing. He is saying there is no way the boring tool will come out on the other side of the road where it is suppose to because you lined it up with the left-handed part of your brain and he can only see through his right-handed part. I can almost feel the ground shake underneath my own feet as the tool makes its way across the road and comes out exactly where it is suppose to come out at. I can picture you telling your dad "I told you so, Pops." Then, in my vision, I see your dad place his hand on your shoulder...just place his hand on your shoulder and you know in that instant how very much he loves you and how proud he is of you.
I will play this movie in my mind and for a moment, it will make me happy. I will think you and he are just away for a little while and soon you will be back home again. Home in time for dinner. Then, I will come back into the present and realize two chairs will be left empty around the dinner table.
Be happy honey. If there's a chance you can let me know you are okay and close by, let me know. Okay?
Tell your dad I miss him and love him and I look forward to the day when I will be with you both again.
I love you.
Mom
Thursday, March 7, 2013
A Letter to Danny - March 7, 2013
Hi Honey:
It's funny what spawns memories. Two years ago, would I have thought that picking up a package of frozen mixed vegetables would bring memories of you flooding in. Was it happenstance that led me to the frozen food aisle, to open the door and remove the package. Or was it you guiding me there so when looked down at the package in my hand, I would be reminded of how you liked those vegetables. I would be reminded of you and the thousands of meals I prepared for you and with everyone, I would receive your praise; each meal was the "best you ever had". It didn't matter if I fixed you prime rib with baked potatoes or tuna on toast. Of course, you had your favorites. Hamburger paddies with onions floating in a rich gravy to be poured over mashed potatoes, was one. Then of course there were tacos. "It doesn't take much food for you and me," you would say, but I would end up cooking for a family of nine anyway. Old habits die hard.
Those old habits, my love, include my walking through the mens clothing department in the stores and having my mind wonder if you need a new pair of Levis or if you would like that plaid shirt. Then my mind reminds me you don't need either and my heart feels the knife once again; grief reminding me you are gone. I don't need to buy you Bic razors or Old Spice aftershave. I don't need to worry if you have a jacket that will keep you warm enough or if I need to pick up your prescriptions. I don't need to worry, but oh God what I wouldn't give to be able to worry about you once again.
My grief bounces back between you and Daren. I guess because you both needed me so much, makes losing you both so hard. I'm glad you needed me honey. I'm glad he did. I just didn't know at the time how important your need was to me. Neither of you need me now. Instead, it is I that need you. I need you both to stay by me. I need you to help me.
You see my love, we still have 37 people on this earth that we love dearly: children, their spouses and twenty-five grandchildren. I need you to do what you can, where you and Daren are at, to help watch over them all. As much as this old mother hen would like to, I can't shelter them under my wings anymore. I can't be around them all to make certain they are safe and protected. I can only do so much to convince them to try and make right choices in their lives. I will continue to pray for them all and as my prayers reach toward heaven, listen. Knowing you and Daren can hear them will let me rest knowing you too are doing all you can to protect our family circle. With that knowledge, neither of you will seem so far away.
Danny, I love you. I am thankful we shared this life together. I'm thankful we took the good and the bad, rolled it and molded it into what would be our life. It's funny, but those bad times really don't seem important anymore. There were time when they took front stage in life but when all is said and done, they really weren't important in the play at all. They were just filler in our story. They took up space. The plot of our story from the prologue to the epilogue and all the chapters in between was love. Even when you and Daren closed the cover of your book of life, the love remained. For after all, it is all that mattered anyway.
Tell our son there beside you that I love him. Tell him I miss him and know yourself how very much I love and miss you.
As for me, the curtain has yet to be brought down. The character I am in this play of life still has more lines to read. I hope to play my part well. If you are able as you stand off-stage, whisper my lines to me should I forget. Guide me to where I should be should I lose my way. Knowing you both are there will comfort me.
I love you Honey.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never
Susie
It's funny what spawns memories. Two years ago, would I have thought that picking up a package of frozen mixed vegetables would bring memories of you flooding in. Was it happenstance that led me to the frozen food aisle, to open the door and remove the package. Or was it you guiding me there so when looked down at the package in my hand, I would be reminded of how you liked those vegetables. I would be reminded of you and the thousands of meals I prepared for you and with everyone, I would receive your praise; each meal was the "best you ever had". It didn't matter if I fixed you prime rib with baked potatoes or tuna on toast. Of course, you had your favorites. Hamburger paddies with onions floating in a rich gravy to be poured over mashed potatoes, was one. Then of course there were tacos. "It doesn't take much food for you and me," you would say, but I would end up cooking for a family of nine anyway. Old habits die hard.
Those old habits, my love, include my walking through the mens clothing department in the stores and having my mind wonder if you need a new pair of Levis or if you would like that plaid shirt. Then my mind reminds me you don't need either and my heart feels the knife once again; grief reminding me you are gone. I don't need to buy you Bic razors or Old Spice aftershave. I don't need to worry if you have a jacket that will keep you warm enough or if I need to pick up your prescriptions. I don't need to worry, but oh God what I wouldn't give to be able to worry about you once again.
My grief bounces back between you and Daren. I guess because you both needed me so much, makes losing you both so hard. I'm glad you needed me honey. I'm glad he did. I just didn't know at the time how important your need was to me. Neither of you need me now. Instead, it is I that need you. I need you both to stay by me. I need you to help me.
You see my love, we still have 37 people on this earth that we love dearly: children, their spouses and twenty-five grandchildren. I need you to do what you can, where you and Daren are at, to help watch over them all. As much as this old mother hen would like to, I can't shelter them under my wings anymore. I can't be around them all to make certain they are safe and protected. I can only do so much to convince them to try and make right choices in their lives. I will continue to pray for them all and as my prayers reach toward heaven, listen. Knowing you and Daren can hear them will let me rest knowing you too are doing all you can to protect our family circle. With that knowledge, neither of you will seem so far away.
Danny, I love you. I am thankful we shared this life together. I'm thankful we took the good and the bad, rolled it and molded it into what would be our life. It's funny, but those bad times really don't seem important anymore. There were time when they took front stage in life but when all is said and done, they really weren't important in the play at all. They were just filler in our story. They took up space. The plot of our story from the prologue to the epilogue and all the chapters in between was love. Even when you and Daren closed the cover of your book of life, the love remained. For after all, it is all that mattered anyway.
Tell our son there beside you that I love him. Tell him I miss him and know yourself how very much I love and miss you.
As for me, the curtain has yet to be brought down. The character I am in this play of life still has more lines to read. I hope to play my part well. If you are able as you stand off-stage, whisper my lines to me should I forget. Guide me to where I should be should I lose my way. Knowing you both are there will comfort me.
I love you Honey.
Far Beyond the 12th of Never
Susie
Monday, March 4, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 5, 2013
Hi Honey:
The song I wrote for you "Dance with the Devil" is finished. I can't begin to describe what a wonderful job Tyler York did on the compositon. I know somewhere, close enough that you can see me and yet far enough away that I can't see you, you are there. I know as Haley and I sat in the car and listened to the final, you watched us cry as you did when Rainee and Sheree and Shannon listened to it.
Can you understand how very much we all love you? How very much we all miss you. But then my darling boy, you were pretty darn lovable and so very missable.
Vince has stayed a while in Utah with Rainee. He has gone out on a couple of jobs with Mark and has struggled. Head down, ass up, you taught him when it came to construction work. The time he spent with you working construction has built up memories in him; memories that will sometimes be welcomed, but for right now are painful.
Haley and Jereme have been checking up on Christian. Jereme has made certain there was fuel enough in the tank to keep the heat on. They have asked if he's needed anything, but he tells them "no". He's always been independent, but he knows if he needs anything, there are people close by who love him and will help him.
I've made it back to Alaska. I will help Vince and Crush get all the legalities done that pertain to your passing: death certificates, social security death benefits, your retirement, your taxes. Things that a seventeen and nineteen year boy haven't learned about. They are men now, arent they honey. They grew up in an instant. One minute they had a dad and the next they didn't. Life can seem cruel at times.
We will be there for them honey. We will make certain they have what they need, including the knowledge that though you are not here, nothing will change as far as family goes. We will still have our Easter party and our trips to Valdez. We will have our Thanksgivings and Christmas Eves and keep as many traditions as possible. We will get angry and get over it. We will laugh and reminice about times when you and your dad were here with us. Family will go on, but for a while, there will be an emptiness. Two empty chairs reminding us although our family is still large, it is no longer complete.
So come around as often as you can Sweetheart. Place your arm around my shoulder even if I can't feel it. Whisper that you love us and hear us say how much we love you back. Laugh with us around the camp fire or around the dinner table. Pray with us and for us when we end our days.
You and your dad stay close, sweetheart. Be with us when you can, for it is only then we will feel whole.
I love you my boy.
Mom
The song I wrote for you "Dance with the Devil" is finished. I can't begin to describe what a wonderful job Tyler York did on the compositon. I know somewhere, close enough that you can see me and yet far enough away that I can't see you, you are there. I know as Haley and I sat in the car and listened to the final, you watched us cry as you did when Rainee and Sheree and Shannon listened to it.
Can you understand how very much we all love you? How very much we all miss you. But then my darling boy, you were pretty darn lovable and so very missable.
Vince has stayed a while in Utah with Rainee. He has gone out on a couple of jobs with Mark and has struggled. Head down, ass up, you taught him when it came to construction work. The time he spent with you working construction has built up memories in him; memories that will sometimes be welcomed, but for right now are painful.
Haley and Jereme have been checking up on Christian. Jereme has made certain there was fuel enough in the tank to keep the heat on. They have asked if he's needed anything, but he tells them "no". He's always been independent, but he knows if he needs anything, there are people close by who love him and will help him.
I've made it back to Alaska. I will help Vince and Crush get all the legalities done that pertain to your passing: death certificates, social security death benefits, your retirement, your taxes. Things that a seventeen and nineteen year boy haven't learned about. They are men now, arent they honey. They grew up in an instant. One minute they had a dad and the next they didn't. Life can seem cruel at times.
We will be there for them honey. We will make certain they have what they need, including the knowledge that though you are not here, nothing will change as far as family goes. We will still have our Easter party and our trips to Valdez. We will have our Thanksgivings and Christmas Eves and keep as many traditions as possible. We will get angry and get over it. We will laugh and reminice about times when you and your dad were here with us. Family will go on, but for a while, there will be an emptiness. Two empty chairs reminding us although our family is still large, it is no longer complete.
So come around as often as you can Sweetheart. Place your arm around my shoulder even if I can't feel it. Whisper that you love us and hear us say how much we love you back. Laugh with us around the camp fire or around the dinner table. Pray with us and for us when we end our days.
You and your dad stay close, sweetheart. Be with us when you can, for it is only then we will feel whole.
I love you my boy.
Mom
Sunday, March 3, 2013
Daren's Letter - March 3, 2013
Hi Honey:
It's strange how one day I can feel like I am going to make it, and the next feel like my heart is being ripped out of me.
I told myself yesterday "Nothing will ever be the same." I told myself the same thing when your Dad died, and now I say it about you. "Nothing will ever be the same." No matter how hard I try, or what I do, or how much I pray, "Nothing will ever be the same."
I can't call you and hear you say "Hi Mom. What's up." I can't hear you say "Love you Mom." I can't listen as you tell me about your plans or your dreams. What am I to do, Honey?
Why did you take it away from me? Why did you choose to take those last pills. Why were they more important than your boys or me. What did they give you that I was unable to?
Did you ever realize that one day they would win and I would lose. They would leave me sitting here in Alaska wishing so badly I could drive out to your house and see you again. Do you know I have your phone number on speed dial. I call it and listen to your voice mail message answer "Hey, this is Daren Whiting. Can't get to the phone. Leave me a message and I'll bet back with you. Thanks" The message I leave at hearing your voice is to kiss the screen of my phone and whisper "I love you honey."
My hands are tied. How I hate addiction. How I hate drugs that robbed me of my son. Do you know what it's like honey, to have an enemy that you hate so much and not be able to fight it. To look around me and watch that enemy win and win and win. To see other mothers lose and cry because they can't fight it either so they watch it rob them of their children too.
What do I do Honey? How do I accept this is something I just have to accept when it is something that is so wrong and unfair. Good guys are suppose to win. You were suppose to win. But you lost. I lost. Your sons lost. The good guys didn't win. The drugs did.
I hate the system. I hate that money is spent on incarcerating the addict instead of helping them recover. I hate it that I have no answers.
So I will sit here and cry. Cry for all that could have been but that will never be. I'll cry for me and your sons and for you, because I know you my boy. I know what kind of heart you had. I know how much you were capable of and now will never be.
Today I am angry. Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. Today I am lonely. The only way anyting could possibly be right from your death would be if I could help just one person not die too. But I don't know how honey. I don't know how to make a difference.
I know you are near me, but it's not the same. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I love you my darling boy.
Mom.
It's strange how one day I can feel like I am going to make it, and the next feel like my heart is being ripped out of me.
I told myself yesterday "Nothing will ever be the same." I told myself the same thing when your Dad died, and now I say it about you. "Nothing will ever be the same." No matter how hard I try, or what I do, or how much I pray, "Nothing will ever be the same."
I can't call you and hear you say "Hi Mom. What's up." I can't hear you say "Love you Mom." I can't listen as you tell me about your plans or your dreams. What am I to do, Honey?
Why did you take it away from me? Why did you choose to take those last pills. Why were they more important than your boys or me. What did they give you that I was unable to?
Did you ever realize that one day they would win and I would lose. They would leave me sitting here in Alaska wishing so badly I could drive out to your house and see you again. Do you know I have your phone number on speed dial. I call it and listen to your voice mail message answer "Hey, this is Daren Whiting. Can't get to the phone. Leave me a message and I'll bet back with you. Thanks" The message I leave at hearing your voice is to kiss the screen of my phone and whisper "I love you honey."
My hands are tied. How I hate addiction. How I hate drugs that robbed me of my son. Do you know what it's like honey, to have an enemy that you hate so much and not be able to fight it. To look around me and watch that enemy win and win and win. To see other mothers lose and cry because they can't fight it either so they watch it rob them of their children too.
What do I do Honey? How do I accept this is something I just have to accept when it is something that is so wrong and unfair. Good guys are suppose to win. You were suppose to win. But you lost. I lost. Your sons lost. The good guys didn't win. The drugs did.
I hate the system. I hate that money is spent on incarcerating the addict instead of helping them recover. I hate it that I have no answers.
So I will sit here and cry. Cry for all that could have been but that will never be. I'll cry for me and your sons and for you, because I know you my boy. I know what kind of heart you had. I know how much you were capable of and now will never be.
Today I am angry. Today I am sad. Today I am frustrated. Today I am lonely. The only way anyting could possibly be right from your death would be if I could help just one person not die too. But I don't know how honey. I don't know how to make a difference.
I know you are near me, but it's not the same. Nothing will ever be the same again.
I love you my darling boy.
Mom.
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